Need Some SERIOUS Advice
I have a 14 year old neice. She turns 15 in August. She asked to talk to me tonight and I said sure, and she came over and handed me two pregnancy tests. Both read positive. She went to the doc, did his pee test, positive. Now all she has left is the blood work.
Back track. She has been with the same boy for about eight months. He is 2 years older. He told her, and she believed, that sex without protection is okay as long as you pull out before the deed is done. I promptly informed her tonight that that's a lie. Who knows, maybe he honestly believed that too....but they both were naive and now have made a little being.
He told her that if she doesn't get an abortion he would be disgusted with her. And that having a child will ruin thier lives. That his parents will kick him out and that there is no way she will finish school, ever get a good job, ever go anywhere in life. She is 14, so she cannot have an abortion without parental consent....and she won't get that. But she told me she doesn't really want an abortion she doesn't think. She and I talked for a awhile about abortion, adoption, keeping it.
It's been almost exactly a month since her last period, but it was lighter so she doesn't really know how far along she is. Definitley still in the abortion range though.
My mom, her grandma (who raises her) told her abortion was evil. Her own mother told her she would disown her. My sister, her other aunt, said it was terrible and she would be a horrible person. I told her that I'm against abortion, but it's not my body, so it's not my decision.
She's yo-yoing all over the place. She think she should get rid of it because it will ruin her life, so she has been told repeatedly since she told him. But she wonders about adoption but thinks carrying, birthing, then handing over her baby will be too hard. Then she wants to keep it (and I seriously think this option is winning out right now) but she is worried that her boyfriend will leave her.I just tell her that it's her decision. He can help her decided but he can't make it for her. That if she chooses abortion then everyone will get over it one day. But that it's really final and she may have regrets. That if she chooses adoption, there is open adoption. And seeing someone so happy to hold that little baby may be a good feeling. And I tell her if she keeps it she has a whole big family to support her, and if her boyfriend leaves....well...what does that say about him? If you can do the deed you ought to be able to make sure the consequences are within your realm of handle-able.
She's not the most mature person in the world, but she is more mature then alot of kids her age. I told her that she can still finish school, and that she can still get a good job. And that yes, baby's are expensive, but there are programs to help her.
I'm going to call our local health clinic tomorrow, and see if I can find a planned parenthoood centre or something similar in our community. And then we are going to hop on a bus and go there tomorrow.
What would you guys tell her? What would you do if you were her? What can I do that I'm not doing to help her?
She is 14.....and there isn't any going back to before she got pregnant. So now she has to deal with it. And she isn't even out of the red zone for miscarriages yet. But she's so torn up and it's hard to watch.
I keep telling her to take deep breathes. Nothing has to be decided today, or tomorrow, or the day after. She has some time to think and plan.
Back track. She has been with the same boy for about eight months. He is 2 years older. He told her, and she believed, that sex without protection is okay as long as you pull out before the deed is done. I promptly informed her tonight that that's a lie. Who knows, maybe he honestly believed that too....but they both were naive and now have made a little being.
He told her that if she doesn't get an abortion he would be disgusted with her. And that having a child will ruin thier lives. That his parents will kick him out and that there is no way she will finish school, ever get a good job, ever go anywhere in life. She is 14, so she cannot have an abortion without parental consent....and she won't get that. But she told me she doesn't really want an abortion she doesn't think. She and I talked for a awhile about abortion, adoption, keeping it.
It's been almost exactly a month since her last period, but it was lighter so she doesn't really know how far along she is. Definitley still in the abortion range though.
My mom, her grandma (who raises her) told her abortion was evil. Her own mother told her she would disown her. My sister, her other aunt, said it was terrible and she would be a horrible person. I told her that I'm against abortion, but it's not my body, so it's not my decision.
She's yo-yoing all over the place. She think she should get rid of it because it will ruin her life, so she has been told repeatedly since she told him. But she wonders about adoption but thinks carrying, birthing, then handing over her baby will be too hard. Then she wants to keep it (and I seriously think this option is winning out right now) but she is worried that her boyfriend will leave her.I just tell her that it's her decision. He can help her decided but he can't make it for her. That if she chooses abortion then everyone will get over it one day. But that it's really final and she may have regrets. That if she chooses adoption, there is open adoption. And seeing someone so happy to hold that little baby may be a good feeling. And I tell her if she keeps it she has a whole big family to support her, and if her boyfriend leaves....well...what does that say about him? If you can do the deed you ought to be able to make sure the consequences are within your realm of handle-able.
She's not the most mature person in the world, but she is more mature then alot of kids her age. I told her that she can still finish school, and that she can still get a good job. And that yes, baby's are expensive, but there are programs to help her.
I'm going to call our local health clinic tomorrow, and see if I can find a planned parenthoood centre or something similar in our community. And then we are going to hop on a bus and go there tomorrow.
What would you guys tell her? What would you do if you were her? What can I do that I'm not doing to help her?
She is 14.....and there isn't any going back to before she got pregnant. So now she has to deal with it. And she isn't even out of the red zone for miscarriages yet. But she's so torn up and it's hard to watch.
I keep telling her to take deep breathes. Nothing has to be decided today, or tomorrow, or the day after. She has some time to think and plan.
Replies
Honestly I am against abortion so I would be talking about keeping or adoption. I know a girl who had a baby at 13. She was of average maturity and did the best she could with her parents hel. The father was not in the picture. She completed HS at an alternative school. Her son is 16 now. A friend just shared that at age 14 she was pregnant and her parents made her give up the child. She had an open adoption for the 1st three years. Went on to marry and have more children and a successful life. Her son just turned 18 so she contacted him, the will be reuniting soon. I know people who have had abotions because they did not think they could handle the child, they carry a lot of pain and regret over their choice. I would definitely impress on her that a guy who will leave is gonna leave at some point anyway. She needs a guy who has the balls to stay when the going gets tough. BTW I was 23 when I got pregnant using the pullout method......it is easy to believe that it will work. I will be praying for your neice.
I called our local pregnancy centre and found out some stuff for her. They have really really crappy hours, but they always have a counseller on site that can help her talk out her options. I also used to work with a girl who had a son at 15, and she graduated, has a decent job, her own home and car, and is engaged. I\'ve been considering getting in touch with her to see if she would talk to KC. KC thinks that if she has a kid, and her boyfriend leaves her, she won\'t ever meet another guy...because who want\'s a girl with a kid. I told her there are tons of guys out there man enough to see past the child to the girl raising him/her and able to love both of them.
I have met so many women on DS who are still struggling to get pregnant, adoption really is a loving choice. She is already pregnant, so no matter what choice she makes her life will be forever changed. Having a baby or adopting out a baby does not have to be a negative thing. She is very lucky to have you.
I only hopped on here for a moment, but when I saw my friend had replied to your post, I read it too & just had to add a little note. Wow, she really is lucky to have you! You seem to have been straight-forward enough, yet gentle & caring too. I love what you told her about abortion. If given the choice I would be anti-abortion too, but reality is a very different thing! I was pregnant at 14 (due to rape), so have faced that dilema... Sadly I ended up having a miscarriage (still a possibility for her) , & it haunted me for the next 15 or so years as I had to go through that completely alone, no medical help or counselling, & without anyone just to understand. I am so pleased that she has you.
You are right about her boyfriend, if he won\'t face up to what he\'s done then she really is better off without him. That can be a hard lesson, but again, she has you.
Keep up the great work you are doing with her - it truly makes a difference. From one who knows just how much... oxoxo
I made an appointment and I am taking her to the Pregnancy Support Center in the morning. They will be able to tell her about her options better then I can. Then, if I have time before work, we will go to the blood clinic and have her tests done there. After that, I figure give her about three days to stew on it, then see if she is closer to making a decision. I\'ll keep you guys posted about how tomorrow goes....and thanks for your replies, I\'m having a hard time digesting this!