Need Advice....
So my dad died when I was young and I was raised in a single parent home. I've never witnessed the dynamics between a married couple and I have never had to deal with the idea of seperation.
Now Joey is the youngest of three and he is 26. The other day he and his dad were out golfing, and his dad casually tossed out that Joeys mum, Jane, was talking about moving out.
So tonight, while shopping, Joey took much the same approach and casually tossed out that his mom is considering leaving his dad. End of facts. That was it, then quickly onto what sort of shampoo we should buy.
Me being me I backtracked. Waitwaitwait....his parents may be splitting? They have been married for 40ish years. They have raised three kids together, they are raising two of their grandkids. Joey has always had the whole family package. And now he just casually mentions it may be over??
His mom has been really happy the last few times I've talked to her. Don't know if it's because she has finally decided to leave, or if it's because she and Dave decided to work on things, seriously.
But my question is, how do I talk about this with Joey? I know he needs to want to talk about it, so I shouldn't push him...but what do you say? I could offer 1000 condolensces if he was to loose a parent (knock on wood) but I'm lost about how to deal with his parents seperating.
It may seem like a silly thing to worry about. But I've dealt with death, addiction, homelessness, abuse. But divorce scares the shit out of me! It's one of the reasons that I have yet to agree on a wedding date with Joey.
Now Joey is the youngest of three and he is 26. The other day he and his dad were out golfing, and his dad casually tossed out that Joeys mum, Jane, was talking about moving out.
So tonight, while shopping, Joey took much the same approach and casually tossed out that his mom is considering leaving his dad. End of facts. That was it, then quickly onto what sort of shampoo we should buy.
Me being me I backtracked. Waitwaitwait....his parents may be splitting? They have been married for 40ish years. They have raised three kids together, they are raising two of their grandkids. Joey has always had the whole family package. And now he just casually mentions it may be over??
His mom has been really happy the last few times I've talked to her. Don't know if it's because she has finally decided to leave, or if it's because she and Dave decided to work on things, seriously.
But my question is, how do I talk about this with Joey? I know he needs to want to talk about it, so I shouldn't push him...but what do you say? I could offer 1000 condolensces if he was to loose a parent (knock on wood) but I'm lost about how to deal with his parents seperating.
It may seem like a silly thing to worry about. But I've dealt with death, addiction, homelessness, abuse. But divorce scares the shit out of me! It's one of the reasons that I have yet to agree on a wedding date with Joey.
Replies
That really is a tough one. As you said, you\'ve dealt with all kinds of really, really tough stuff... things that people would typically consider \"major\" issues. I have as well. So you\'d think that something like divorce, which is so common, wouldn\'t be such a big deal... but it really is. This hit home because my parents have been having a lot of problems over the last year or so (this might get long, but I AM getting to a point that will hopefully be helpful in your situation). No one will tell me what originally happened, but I think a lot of it has to do with my mom thinking that my dad is interested in other women (from my perspective, my dad worships the ground my mom walks on, even if he can be an ass sometimes- he IS male) and she just turned 50 so she may be feeling extra-insecure. And it has to do with his general attitude as well, which I can understand. So I knew they were having problems because I\'d get calls from my dad asking for advice or asking me to go see my mom (i don\'t really live close by) because they\'d had a fight and she wouldn\'t leave the house or talk to anyone... and I knew they\'d started counseling together. But then one day my mom just casually, in the middle of another conversation, says to me that she thinks she\'s going to move out for a while. I was totally floored. I may be 27 years old and have been away from home since I was 18, have my own relationship and life... but the idea of my parents divorcing was so devastating to me that I just cried for like a day and then could barely get out of bed for like a week and wouldn\'t talk to anyone.
John was trying to be supportive, but he really just didn\'t get it. His parents divorced when he was little and barely spoke to each other afterwards ever again. It was an ugly divorce and custody fight... but he was just used to having a split up, nutty family where no one was particularly close. He has a younger brother and a much younger sister, and he barely even knows them. He grew up with his brother, but they lost touch right after college. He calls his parents on holidays, maybe, and hasn\'t actually seen them in years. I\'ve met each of his parents exactly one time- in a ten year period that we\'ve been together. I, on the other hand, have always had two parents who lived together. I grew up with a stay-at-home mom (until I was in middle school) and my whole family eating at the dinner table together every night. We took family vacations and just did everything together. I have one younger brother, and we are very close. I didn\'t gorw up in some picture-perfect suburban dream, but I know I was lucky. My family had a lot of problems- my dad was an alcoholic/addict, my mom had a severe panic disorder and couldn\'t leave the house for a while, my parents had a lot of serious financial issues for a long time, they dealt with my addiction, etc. But through all of it, the stuck together and came out on the other side. I have always felt that the greatest gift my parents gave me was modeling a strong marriage for me, showing what two people who love each other look like together, how they relate to each other, etc. It let me see very clearly what I wanted for myself. My parents are approaching their 29th anniversary in October. So it was just baffling to me that after so many years and so many ups and downs, they would suddenly think divorce is an option.
It was just devastating. And as I said, John tried to be supportive, but he couldn\'t really relate to my feelings. So maybe if I tell you how I felt about things and what I wanted John to understand, maybe you can get an idea of what Joey might be feeling and how to approach it. I know it\'s harder because he\'s a guy and they often want to hide their emotions and not talk about them. But you can try. As I said, I know to many people divorce is just a normal part of life... and you\'d think it shouldn\'t really be a big deal to me at this point in my life. However, that it SO not true. I felt like my whole world was being turned upside down. I felt like everything was falling apart. I felt like my safety and security was being yanked out from under me. No matter what I\'ve been through, I\'ve always know that my family was a constant- they were always there... I could always go back to the security of my family unit anytime I needed to. And I always knew that no matter what happened in the future, I always had them there. Well, divorce would have shattered that safe family unit to pieces. They\'d probably have to sell the house I grew up in, which is also part of the feeling of having a safe haven to return to. No matter where I live, that always will feel like home... even though I have my own home as well. They\'d live in different places, my brother would have to move out and go somewhere else... my family would be scattered. There\'d be no more family dinners... who would I spend holidays with? Birthdays? And WHERE would we spend these occasions? Would my parents even emotionally survive a divorce? Would my dad relapse after 21 years of sobriety? If he did, would he survive it? If my parents did make it to the other side of divorce, would they date? Remarry? The idea of strangers being brought into MY family made me want to throw up.
So I guess what I really needed to hear from John was just that he understood how upset I was and that he was there for me if I needed to talk. I needed him to just give me more affection than usual, make me feel loved and safe. I felt like I was losing my security, so I needed him to remind me that OUR little family unit is safe and secure and not going anywhere. I needed him to acknowledge my fears. That was really all he could do. Just be there. That\'s probably the best thing you can do for Joey. Maybe instead of asking him how he\'s feeling about it- which is very open-ended- you could ask him if he\'s feeling sad or scared of like he\'s losing a sense of security that he\'s always had. Even if he doesn\'t want to talk, that might let him know that you understand. And just remind him that you and Marlow are his family and that you\'re little unit is safe and intact and not going anywhere. Divorce is a loss... you understand loss- say the same thing you\'d say to someone experiencing any other type of loss. And just let him know that, whatever happens, you\'ll be by his side to help him cope with things... that you\'ll get through it together.
I hope that helps some. I\'m sorry that you guys have to deal with this, and I really hope Joey\'s parents give it a chance and try to work things out... get some counseling maybe. It\'s so sad to think of a marriage falling apart after so many years together. WIth any luck, this won\'t come to anything. THANK GOD, it hasn\'t for my parents. It was right after Christmas when my mom said she might move out, and that hasn\'t happened. In fact, my parents have been working on things and actually seem to be happier lately. I still get really nervous anytime I know they\'ve had a fight... but I\'m hopeful. They\'re going on vacation together- just the two of them- next week... and DRIVING all the way there and back. So they must feel good about spending that much time stuck in a car together. I think it will be really good for them. I hope so.
Sorry so long... I hope maybe I offered some insight somewhere in my ramblings. In conclusion- you\'re smart and compassionate- whatever you say to Joey, I have faith that it will be the right thing. :)