Need a distraction...
I'm thinking a lot about some of the things that have happened to me in the past.. Some old feelings are coming back.. The amount of people who have been abusive and.. Inappropriate.. Towards me.. It's really taken it's toll.. I can't help but feel like I am pretty worthless.. For soo many people to think I'm nothing more than a girl to screw or put their hands on me.. It sucks... And it's made it soo hard to get close to anybody.. Because I just wait for everyone to do that stuff... I guess I just automatically expect people to leave because I can't get myself to have sex with anyone.. And I just wait for someone else to put their hands on me. Or to treat me badly.. It's always in the back of my head.. How long til I see that side of them that they've kept hidden..?
I've gotten so used to being hurt in one way or another that I just expect it.. It's become my normal.. And I know I shouldn't consider that normal.. I know it's not a good thing.. But.. I can't help but feel like that's all I'm worth.. Like that is all I'll ever really get.. Because it feels like thosekind of people are the only people who ever want me... I mean.. There are a couple guys.. But.. I don't know what to think.. They aren't necessarily BAD guys but... I don't know.. I'd have to explain why I'm not sure about them and it'd be pretty long..
Other things on my mind is I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right.. I try to do something, then I didn't do it to everyones standard and "It just has to be redone" and everyone gets mad... I DON'T do it and I'm a lazy piece of shit. I try to joke and everyone gets mad because I'm a bitch. I don't joke around with someone and I'm bitchy..? I don't eat, I'm terrible and need to eat. I eat and I'm a fatass who never stops eating..? Literally nothing I do is good enough... There is always something wrong..
I just want to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING right.. I want to feel like I'm not this terrible person that people act like I am.. But it does really feel like I'm nothing but a time and space.. Like me being alive is a bad thing..
But.. I'll be okay... I'll get through it.. Just gotta keep my chin up.. Nothing lasts forever.. Just need something to keep myself busy. Gotta find something to focus on for now. Could also use some sleep. But I got 2 hrs of sleep and haven't been able to sleep since..
I've gotten so used to being hurt in one way or another that I just expect it.. It's become my normal.. And I know I shouldn't consider that normal.. I know it's not a good thing.. But.. I can't help but feel like that's all I'm worth.. Like that is all I'll ever really get.. Because it feels like thosekind of people are the only people who ever want me... I mean.. There are a couple guys.. But.. I don't know what to think.. They aren't necessarily BAD guys but... I don't know.. I'd have to explain why I'm not sure about them and it'd be pretty long..
Other things on my mind is I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right.. I try to do something, then I didn't do it to everyones standard and "It just has to be redone" and everyone gets mad... I DON'T do it and I'm a lazy piece of shit. I try to joke and everyone gets mad because I'm a bitch. I don't joke around with someone and I'm bitchy..? I don't eat, I'm terrible and need to eat. I eat and I'm a fatass who never stops eating..? Literally nothing I do is good enough... There is always something wrong..
I just want to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING right.. I want to feel like I'm not this terrible person that people act like I am.. But it does really feel like I'm nothing but a time and space.. Like me being alive is a bad thing..
But.. I'll be okay... I'll get through it.. Just gotta keep my chin up.. Nothing lasts forever.. Just need something to keep myself busy. Gotta find something to focus on for now. Could also use some sleep. But I got 2 hrs of sleep and haven't been able to sleep since..
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