Nearly two days...

Dear Kitty,                 (Wednesday the 30th today)                The Internet is still down, so I’m still writing this on Word.                It’s been about forty five hours now, and I’m feeling a little bit better. (Oh God, Cathy’s just started playing Michael Jackson at me - on full volume)                Still, a whole forty five hours. And I can’t stand it. It’s a vicious circle, this; I get low, I SH, I feel worse, I get lower, I do it again, I feel worse, I get even lower... It’s ridiculous. I know that the obvious solution is not to do it in the first place, but sometimes I just can’t help it; I really have to do it. And I know that I shouldn’t, but it’s so damn difficult not to. I described it to Isla as being in a hole, once; you do it, so you’re in the hole, then you cheer up a bit and start to get out of the hole and walk away, only to fall back in again later. I wish someone would fill the hole in (metaphorically, not to actually go and dig a hole and then fill it in again because that would just be silly).                It’s so stupid; I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror, “Right, here’s another bloody awful day ahead, but you have to keep going for your friends,” and I ‘put my happy face on’, as someone once described it to me. And then, sometimes, I don’t have to put it on; something like a memory of the day before (like Isla slapping Kris, which always makes me laugh) will just make me smile, or I’ll see one of my friends first thing, and they will just say something so stupid that it makes me laugh. That’s one of the best things that can happen in my day. But then, sometimes, I can’t be bothered and I can’t smile (like yesterday) and someone will make me laugh, and it’ll cheer me up until I remember why I was already depressed.                And then, I finally realised today that I am living in a dream world. I walk around and make up stories to myself; I don’t see things as they really are at all. It’s not fair; I’m shaken out of it sometimes by something that I read in the paper or see on the news, but then I deliberately forget it. That’s why I read so much; I don’t want to live in the real world. Book characters can be so much nicer than real people sometimes. I’d rather be with Anne Shirley and Lily Owens most of the time. I can say what I want to them; I can tell them things that I could never tell anyone else.                I’m sorry; I’ve really got to stop writing like this. It’s just going to upset anyone else who reads it, which is not what I want at all.                I’ll write again soon; I need to go and do some Latin.Lots of love,MeXxxxxxxxxxxP.S. 45 hours...but I still want to do it again.P.P.S. I’m considering going to see Amanda again, but I’m really not sure; I can’t let her tell Mrs Watt, because she’ll tell Mum and Dad. And, if there’s one thing that I don’t want, it’s that.