napping with a candle lit and the radio on classical
Before I go to yoga class I am napping with the lights off and the candle lit.
My radio is playing the classical station and the gray overcast weather is
giving a little light to the room. I am trying to focus my attentions on the day.
Some truths about my life are coming to me. I am overwhelmed by possibility
and feel like soothing the crazy spinning. I got this way when I lived in San Francisco.
The big city was outside my apartment and I didn't know where my place was or what
to do with myself. I live in the suburbs now and feel kind of out of place - I am grateful
for what I have, I just feel like cocooning is all. I know I am not the only person to ever
feel dissapointed about where they live but maybe I can muster some inspiration like
volunteering or exercising as a way to fill the time. To make my time count in the way that I can.
Some crazy truth I am noticing now..probably we all do this...but I am starting to see something about the way my mother and I would impose our sense of the world on each other. It wasn't cool. I think we all do that to a certain extent.
I just need to wisely, logically, compassionately work with my day here. I know this is kind of a 'downer' post.
Maybe if I look at it this way "I have the day to do what I want!" - Even if I am an awkward, goofy, dufus - I will
go to yoga shortly - and yogapalooza my time there. I don't know where I am headed in life...it's this 'living with it' thing. Half the time I just want to live in kindly routines...which I am... sorry to complain. I am trying to wrap my head
about practicals. I feel like I am missing something.
Replies
I find this downtime and open thinking is having the wheels really rev up quite a bit. I need to keep a handle on it
so I can go back to work after this vacation. So, it's about being responsible here too - to not indulge too much
in this reflection. I feel kind of ill right now - like a big foot has hit me in the head...but I need to keep responsible about
things and just keep up.
I believe that indulging such reflections with the insights and reality checks of my therapy support network is the best way cull the chaff from the grain. Having chaff doesn't make the grain bad. Don't wanna throw the grain out with the chaff.
One of the contemplations which helps to calm my isolation urges is, "Humility." How arrogant is it for me to declare myself unique in all creation? I only *wish* I was a total freakazoid. Fact is, I'm *just* another schmuck doing the best she can with what life gave her to work with. I am far from alone. Regrettably far from alone?
Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.
Thanks arfie.