'Nam Flashbacks
I guess it's not as bad as a war flashback, but my ex-girlfriend texted me today. Not just any ex. THE ex. The one i lived with. The one I spent 2 years with. The one that got away because I was too young and dumb to realize I had a really good thing in front of me.
It wasn't just a normal conversation either. It began pretty normally, but then it took a left turn into..a weird place.
She basically vented to me that her new girlfriend of a year makes her happy in a lot of ways, except for a few. We talked for a while about some insecurities that she has and such. Essentially, the conversation ended with her telling me that she missed me and she remembers all the good times we had and she wishes that things were different.
You have to know this girl. These aren't normal things for her. There's nothing about her that is evil or manipulative. Every bone in her body is genuine. So when she says these things, it means a little more than if anyone else in my life would say it.
All this conversation did was throw a monkey wrench into my life. I accepted her moving on, and learned to live with the guilt that I may have ruined a really good thing. She moved away with her new girlfriend and I kept on truckin' with my life. All of a sudden she comes at me saying she has doubts and she misses what we had.
She mentioned a lack of passion, and that our conversation today made her feel more than the situation with her girl had. I'm not sure how to take that. What we had was passionate, and loving, with just a hint of volatile. It was an intoxicating mixture of love and exploration.
The guilt I have about that relationship is a heavy burden. All I wanted was forgiveness and to move on. I didn't expect this. I think I'd feel better knowing she didn't think about me at all. But knowing she does, and she dreams about me, and thinks about the What-Ifs, shakes my foundation.
I guess that's life though. As soon as you get comfy, something comes rolling in that kinda throws that off. I shouldn't think about it, but I will. And I don't want to sleep, because I know I'll dream about her. I'm not ready to see her face tonight. I'm not ready to succumb to my sub-conscience and find out what my heart really wants. Because I know what it wants, but the ball isn't in my court. And because I know what my heart wants, I don't want to wake up alone and filled with disappointment. Everyday after a dream about her feels like the day after we broke up. And I have to get over her all together again.
I have so much going on, I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that right now. I'll be here, fighting off sleep as long as I can.
I'm glad she told me how she feels, but I would never tell her how I do. I cheated on a beautiful, faithful, intelligent woman. I have no place to talk about MY feelings, do I?
It wasn't just a normal conversation either. It began pretty normally, but then it took a left turn into..a weird place.
She basically vented to me that her new girlfriend of a year makes her happy in a lot of ways, except for a few. We talked for a while about some insecurities that she has and such. Essentially, the conversation ended with her telling me that she missed me and she remembers all the good times we had and she wishes that things were different.
You have to know this girl. These aren't normal things for her. There's nothing about her that is evil or manipulative. Every bone in her body is genuine. So when she says these things, it means a little more than if anyone else in my life would say it.
All this conversation did was throw a monkey wrench into my life. I accepted her moving on, and learned to live with the guilt that I may have ruined a really good thing. She moved away with her new girlfriend and I kept on truckin' with my life. All of a sudden she comes at me saying she has doubts and she misses what we had.
She mentioned a lack of passion, and that our conversation today made her feel more than the situation with her girl had. I'm not sure how to take that. What we had was passionate, and loving, with just a hint of volatile. It was an intoxicating mixture of love and exploration.
The guilt I have about that relationship is a heavy burden. All I wanted was forgiveness and to move on. I didn't expect this. I think I'd feel better knowing she didn't think about me at all. But knowing she does, and she dreams about me, and thinks about the What-Ifs, shakes my foundation.
I guess that's life though. As soon as you get comfy, something comes rolling in that kinda throws that off. I shouldn't think about it, but I will. And I don't want to sleep, because I know I'll dream about her. I'm not ready to see her face tonight. I'm not ready to succumb to my sub-conscience and find out what my heart really wants. Because I know what it wants, but the ball isn't in my court. And because I know what my heart wants, I don't want to wake up alone and filled with disappointment. Everyday after a dream about her feels like the day after we broke up. And I have to get over her all together again.
I have so much going on, I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that right now. I'll be here, fighting off sleep as long as I can.
I'm glad she told me how she feels, but I would never tell her how I do. I cheated on a beautiful, faithful, intelligent woman. I have no place to talk about MY feelings, do I?
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