Naive children
There is a scripture verse in the Bible that says, "Be angry and sin not." Yup, that was me for while. I was never allowed to show any weakness in my emotions growing up. That included anger. So, when I feel angry I have trouble recognizing it when it's there.
My therapist was great yesterday. We talked about why I wanted to stop therapy. She actually was surprised that I didn't feel this way earlier. She said I've been through so much PTSD these past few weeks and she knew this was coming. She said it has been along time since I have been in the present and a long time since she actually spoke with me in the session. I was switching so much. I was surprised when she asked me what i was angry at. As I sat there quietly she said it was oozing out of me. Wow, I did not realize how angry I was untill we started talking about stuff.
Hidden memories. All these new memories that I hid all these years started coming up and tormenting me. That is why I wanted to quite. I was tired of being a victum all the time and having to relive my childhood secrets. I was annoyed with myself for being deceived by my sister. I realized my sisters affections were her way of trying to atone herself for the wrong she had done to me as a child. Yet, when I confronted her on it she denied it. I became really angry when she was trying to do the same thing with my kids because I confronted her on her hatred for them.
I thank God I did not raise naive idiots! The timing could not have been more perfect. Here I was discussing this concern with my therapist and I get a call from my daughter from England. Usually I do not pick it up or I shut the phone off during session, but when she called the second time my therapist said to answer it. My daughter wanted me to know that she was not naive and knew the motives from her aunts resent affects she saw right through. I was not to worry. I felt like a tone of fear was just lifted from my heart. I did not realize how my sisters behavior to my children had triggered so much childhood abuse for me.
I feel a little better today and able to tollerate being in the present. Though the panic does still come I'm better able to manage it because I understand where it is coming from. I will no longer be naive. Even as I child I knew something was not right, but was too innocent, young and deceived to understand! It's so important to watch signs from our children as they grow up. Something my mother did not do. So, all the signs of me being abused went unnoticed and my abusers knew this and I was free game to their perversions. How sad!
My therapist was great yesterday. We talked about why I wanted to stop therapy. She actually was surprised that I didn't feel this way earlier. She said I've been through so much PTSD these past few weeks and she knew this was coming. She said it has been along time since I have been in the present and a long time since she actually spoke with me in the session. I was switching so much. I was surprised when she asked me what i was angry at. As I sat there quietly she said it was oozing out of me. Wow, I did not realize how angry I was untill we started talking about stuff.
Hidden memories. All these new memories that I hid all these years started coming up and tormenting me. That is why I wanted to quite. I was tired of being a victum all the time and having to relive my childhood secrets. I was annoyed with myself for being deceived by my sister. I realized my sisters affections were her way of trying to atone herself for the wrong she had done to me as a child. Yet, when I confronted her on it she denied it. I became really angry when she was trying to do the same thing with my kids because I confronted her on her hatred for them.
I thank God I did not raise naive idiots! The timing could not have been more perfect. Here I was discussing this concern with my therapist and I get a call from my daughter from England. Usually I do not pick it up or I shut the phone off during session, but when she called the second time my therapist said to answer it. My daughter wanted me to know that she was not naive and knew the motives from her aunts resent affects she saw right through. I was not to worry. I felt like a tone of fear was just lifted from my heart. I did not realize how my sisters behavior to my children had triggered so much childhood abuse for me.
I feel a little better today and able to tollerate being in the present. Though the panic does still come I'm better able to manage it because I understand where it is coming from. I will no longer be naive. Even as I child I knew something was not right, but was too innocent, young and deceived to understand! It's so important to watch signs from our children as they grow up. Something my mother did not do. So, all the signs of me being abused went unnoticed and my abusers knew this and I was free game to their perversions. How sad!
Replies
I am happy to hear your daughter is not naive.It takes time but we do learn and it is worth it. I know you have come so far and I am so proud of you.
Keeping a watchful eye on our kid\'s signals is really a good point. I too look back and know there were things that showed, but even if I had been asked directly, I think I would have lied. Someone who could really see the signs would have had to reach out. It\'s great that you have done this with your own kids so they have grown up strong.
You are a great mom! I wish my mom had come to me and I had gotten help at a young age. I feel I would have been a different person. xoxo
It has been such a blessing and encouragement to see you grow and heal and work courageously through your issues. I see vast improvement and I am so glad you are being knitted back together with your kids. Keep up the good work!