myself
i am starting to wonder about myself.am i stuck in victim mode.am i hanging on to the pain so i am not tempted to forgive and give people chance after chance because that is what "he"always told me to do.do i unknowningly bring it on myself. people warned me that it sounded like he was in love with me trying to get in my pants,why couldn't i have listened and see it. it is going to sound sick but i miss him i believed he was a decent man he seemed wise and smart.he'd been "grooming" me all these years with mom never there emotionally never able to be have a real mother daughter relationship i turned to him i counted on him now i have no memories that i don't call into question,disect .i try to chase down my thought process find the parts that are all distorted. i hang myself with this way i would have made a great therapist had i had the right upbringing.trying to let others know how my ears hear one thing my brain gets the message all mixed up-it sees things as an attack.i dont take critisism well i am stupid and wrong is all it says to me that i make everybodys life i touch go to hell. i did cut myself this week around 8 pm last night i poured all my meds in one big cup 10 prescriptions worth or more.what was the trigger?my boyfriend has been real stressed out because of me thinks im gonna give him a heart attack gets angry when i cry and is not aware that he comes across so cynical that yes it has made me feel like jumping of the tallest building i can find.with the hell of trying to get to the social security office and him going oh god fuck all the time me thinking hes mad at me he hates me all that crap the diseased mind does. am i addicted to the pain out of fear of being happy because i can say honestly that every single damn time i start to feel that my life is looking up and i am feeling some sort of hope the f'n rug gets yanked from under me and WHAM things go wrong the person gets taken or someone uses and screws me over-i trust too easily.i want to believe that there is good on all people even the worst of them it just needs to be given a chance to thrive and not to give up on people cause i wouldn't want them to give up on me dad would say they were good rules things to consider to guide me through life to be a good person.HOW F'N STUPID AM I ??? i gotta be stupid. i would like to become a cold hearted person that just doesn't seem to be in my nature though.I AM SOO MESSED UP EMOTIONALY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY. if it were not for my boyfriend trying to take care of me well if he died i would end up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life my ex said it too. i know that is the truth i would not be able to hack it in the real world.i barely made it this far thought for sure i would never make it to 30. i woke up because of these "wonderful" images as i sleep dont even remember what they were now the hell of it all i took my two prescribed ativan 1 paxil 1 lamictal and a otc 25 mg benadryll about 830 pm i would normally be out for a good 8,12,16 hrs sleep.i am yawning now but am afraid to go back to sleep just yet.i finallytold my boyfriend that his sister all but threatened me 2 years ago when we had to stay with her when we moved to the city.her way of making sure i knew he would always take her side which turned out to be a load since he just cut her out of his life this week,when asked why i never said anything simple i was unsure of my place in his life we had only been dating for a few months at that time and i wasnt about to dome between family or make him choose i find that an unfair bitchy thing to do. how messed up am i what is wrong with me am i brain damaged or what. i gotta be it is the only thing i can think of that would explain my complete messed up stupid self.
Replies
Hi young lady, i\'ve been were you are, early on at the start of my healing journey. I hung onto my pain also, as if my life depended on it. I believed at the time it was all i had, all i knew, i was too afraid to let anything nice in to replace it with. I think the only thing wrong with you is that you have a hell of alot of pain your trying to deal with. Just keep moving forward even if you have to crawl, it DOES get better, yes it can be like sheer utter hell, i wish there was an easier softer way, but there isn\'t. I takes hard work, determination and the hardest of all, the discipline to keep going. I have enormous faith that you WILL get through this, you WILL find the happiness you so much deserve and you WILL feel whole again. You Go Girl:) !! Blaine
thank you blaine i am just at the begining of my fight with this my therapist wants me to focus an my biggest trauma and just one of the many trauma\'s in my life and you are being a great support i look for your messages your words of support letting me know i\'m not alone especially since i know that you are much further in your recovery than i am it dives me hope and helps me find strength when i am sure i have none left. since i woke up the day is going better i did not have any more of the dreams i am glad i did not remember the one that woke me up i just had the feeling deep in my gut that it was a doosey i had been out of my mood stabilizer for a couple of days i had been so distracted and worried about getting to the social security office how i was going to get there it is no excuse but being human also means you tend to forget things or overlook things and i only have 11 different meds i take daily it feel like i am cleaning out the pharmacy when i get them filled-it is actually a little joke i have with the pharmacy lol i try to keep a sense of humor weird as it may be to try keeping from being so depressed about the meds but i also know and accept that i need them double edged sword it may be and i hate being on meds oh well i am so glad you joined the sight and started reading my journal -wow-first time i\'ve ever said or thought that well the race is on and my driver keselowski is in 2nd place it is still very early in the race-country girl loves nascar but not interested in others -when i was a little girl i used to watch the race with my grandmother all the time and fall asleep to the sound of the cars going around that track she joined the lord in 1989 after a battle with a rare blood cancer i will always remember how cool it was to see a woman is her 60s screaming at the tv go go go aww damn it put the pedal down you putz -it was hilarious and on that happy note i will join the tv now she watches with me i\'m sure :)
have a good day keep strong in your battles i am cheering for you hoping you the best, rhoda22