My truth
Interesting definition, sort of gross in a way, but honestly, that is what I am, a pathological gambler! Day 7 for me, and the last few days I have really had to fight the urge to go, just one more time. Instead, I cleaned my house, watched TV, and did a lot of sleeping, which I never did before, I never slept much. My gambling would take me away for days, last time I placed a bet, I sent with groceries in my trunk, straight to the casino, thinking it would just be for a couple of hours, 2 nights later, no sleep, no food, drained my accounts, I was heading home with the groceries in my trunk. Pathological gambler, compulsive by nature. I think, how the heck was I able to have such little sleep, no food, ordered red bulls, because they are free at the tables I was playing, and once so exasperated with my lose, that I would put the few hundred in front of my all in and either win, or lose. When I lost, I would have to use my ATM credit card to get the last of my cash, since I was over the limit on withdrawals to my account, I was getting text messages from my bank, confirming it was actually me withdrawing so much money, of course, I said yes, it was me, because I needed to keep taking more out. I didn't cry this time, before I would cry, I now go into a quick fix mode, but this time, there is no quick fix. I slept for a few hours, and then went to work, as though nothing happened, at least between me and my co workers. My family knows, but nobody else, its strange to me, to become that person I am when I gamble, and then the person I present myself to be when I leave the casino. I would gamble for so long, I would pee my pants, literally, rather than go to the bathroom and leave the table, I starved myself, I was sleep deprived, and I drained my accounts, I would say I have zero savings now, because of my gambling over the last 10 years. So, yes, I am a pathological gambler. Today, I will not gamble. There is nothing good about gambling for me, only things that haven't happened to me YET, and God knows, if I decide to gamble again, I will most likely not survive it. xoxo
Replies
By reading your journal, I am knocked out by your self-awareness and your unflinching look at yourself. We, here, understand that once we begin the sick obsession of gambling we lose all control. We truly are powerless over this addiction. Seems like you are doing what you need to to stay away. That is all you can do. Good for you. Don\'t let your obsession drive you back into that card room. As you well know, it really is progressive. You are spot on -on the YETS. Nice to meetcha. Hugs, ~Estel
yes, but it\'s never just one more time,
you lose and then you need AGAIN,
just one more time,
that is the addicted brain talking.
The only way to squelch the addicted brain
is to retrain it so that it knows there will be no more
addiction, no more denying the harm it has done,
no more avoiding what is really happening.
Read about addiction and impulse control.
We don\'t have control and until you accept this
it is hard to just let go and let God and DS and GA
and others who\'ve been there and your God help you.
We will never be able to gamble, some people can\'t have sugar
some can\'t drink, some can\'t eat regularly.........we can\'t gamble.
Not a problem there is so much more in this world than the stupid
money sucking and stinking and hellhole pit of a place .......the c - -- - -.
It is what it is but we must become smart and make the true TRUE committment to get it out of our life.
I too became so engrossed that I knew it was either recovery or something else I wasn\'t sure what but it was bleak.
After you stay a way for a while you can start to fell life again and
get joy out of the daily activities you used to.
None of this happens overnight and there is no quick fix,
but the little glimpses you get will help you to want recovery so badly
that you will overcome the urges and stay away.,
this site is so beneficial to just read for hours how the process goes.
please keep strong
and come here often.
I used to journal regularly and I found it so very helpful.
have a great GF day, month and life.