My thoughts
I read once that widows/widowers are not capable of remembering the bad times in their marriages after losing a spouse. I can't say that's true. You see, in my case, I remember the kind, loving man my husband was. I remember his gentle nature and how much he cared for his family and how much he loved me.
I also remember the long hours he worked and how that prevented us from spending time together. It was my major complaint about him. It was the reason we argued. I used to tell him that his workaholic ways would kill him if he didn't stop. As an ex-nursing student, I knew how lack of sleep affected the body. How it caused disease. He wouldn't listen, sometimes storming out of the room when I told him.
So I spent weekends alone while he worked. I spent holidays alone too. There were days where I didn't see him more than five minutes. Truth is, theres not that much difference in my life now except that I don't get to see him at all and that hurts most of all.
You see, he was busy working on a business. I wanted to support him because I knew how important it was for him. I tried to be patient, hoping that he'd get it out of his system and we could have a life together. I was tired of being alone while being married to this great man. I wanted to spend time with him, but it was always about the money. He wanted me to have so much, but the most important thing to me was him. I just wanted him, not the money, not the homes, not the tours around the world.
Give me time, honey, he would say. We'll have plenty of time to spend together once the business takes off and the money rolls in. But it didn't happen. The business was a financial drain so I sat watching him work himself to death. Year after year of patience. Year after year of seeing couples walking their dog while I walked alone. Year after year of watching couples shoping together, visiting family, etc.
A few days ago I wrote a journal entry on how I got used to seeing couples without being jelous. At the time I wrote it, I meant it. I did go through these things when I returned back to work. But now, I realize I've had to deal with this for years. I'm eons ahead of the rest of the people in this group. In the apartment I live in, some people actually thought I was single. This after we'd lived here for over a year and there are only six apartments in this building.
How do you deal with that?
As widows/widowers, we deal with the stages of grief. Anger is one of them. We usually go through this stage then move on to acceptance. Well, I don't think I'll ever move on. You see, I was cheated. Big time cheated. I married my dream man but I didn't get to enjoy him. Why? Greed. Plan old greed. He wanted more money, more everything. I just wanted him. Neither one of us got what we wanted, but he has Heaven to comfort him. Me. I'm living this life of regret.
I look around me at work. I see the greed of America: Here we have less vacation time than in any country in Europe. They get 4 weeks. Some of us get no weeks. Stores stay open later hoping to drain every last cent from the American public. Let's not forget the hours of overtime people are required to work to make up for all those who were let go. What is the price of greed? The price is high. You leave a life not complete. You leave wives/husbands who are still waiting for their lives to begin. You leave children who don't know you. I ask myself how can this be worth it.
I'll admitt sometimes people don't have a choice. You've got to eat. But my husband made an above average income. We didn't need extra. We could have cut corners and had a life together. It was not to be.
If I had it to do over again, I would walk. I wouldn't sit here year after year in a marriage that was all about money and nothing else. I would walk and find someone who wanted to spend time together. Wanted to take that walk on the beach, sit and eat together, watch the sun rise. I wouldn't care if he wasn't rich.
You see, most of my life I've felt that way. I don't know how I ended up with someone totally opposite. I've always felt like you should enjoy life. Not spend it chasing money.
If God has a marriage planned for me in the future. I ask only one thing: Workaholics need not apply.
I also remember the long hours he worked and how that prevented us from spending time together. It was my major complaint about him. It was the reason we argued. I used to tell him that his workaholic ways would kill him if he didn't stop. As an ex-nursing student, I knew how lack of sleep affected the body. How it caused disease. He wouldn't listen, sometimes storming out of the room when I told him.
So I spent weekends alone while he worked. I spent holidays alone too. There were days where I didn't see him more than five minutes. Truth is, theres not that much difference in my life now except that I don't get to see him at all and that hurts most of all.
You see, he was busy working on a business. I wanted to support him because I knew how important it was for him. I tried to be patient, hoping that he'd get it out of his system and we could have a life together. I was tired of being alone while being married to this great man. I wanted to spend time with him, but it was always about the money. He wanted me to have so much, but the most important thing to me was him. I just wanted him, not the money, not the homes, not the tours around the world.
Give me time, honey, he would say. We'll have plenty of time to spend together once the business takes off and the money rolls in. But it didn't happen. The business was a financial drain so I sat watching him work himself to death. Year after year of patience. Year after year of seeing couples walking their dog while I walked alone. Year after year of watching couples shoping together, visiting family, etc.
A few days ago I wrote a journal entry on how I got used to seeing couples without being jelous. At the time I wrote it, I meant it. I did go through these things when I returned back to work. But now, I realize I've had to deal with this for years. I'm eons ahead of the rest of the people in this group. In the apartment I live in, some people actually thought I was single. This after we'd lived here for over a year and there are only six apartments in this building.
How do you deal with that?
As widows/widowers, we deal with the stages of grief. Anger is one of them. We usually go through this stage then move on to acceptance. Well, I don't think I'll ever move on. You see, I was cheated. Big time cheated. I married my dream man but I didn't get to enjoy him. Why? Greed. Plan old greed. He wanted more money, more everything. I just wanted him. Neither one of us got what we wanted, but he has Heaven to comfort him. Me. I'm living this life of regret.
I look around me at work. I see the greed of America: Here we have less vacation time than in any country in Europe. They get 4 weeks. Some of us get no weeks. Stores stay open later hoping to drain every last cent from the American public. Let's not forget the hours of overtime people are required to work to make up for all those who were let go. What is the price of greed? The price is high. You leave a life not complete. You leave wives/husbands who are still waiting for their lives to begin. You leave children who don't know you. I ask myself how can this be worth it.
I'll admitt sometimes people don't have a choice. You've got to eat. But my husband made an above average income. We didn't need extra. We could have cut corners and had a life together. It was not to be.
If I had it to do over again, I would walk. I wouldn't sit here year after year in a marriage that was all about money and nothing else. I would walk and find someone who wanted to spend time together. Wanted to take that walk on the beach, sit and eat together, watch the sun rise. I wouldn't care if he wasn't rich.
You see, most of my life I've felt that way. I don't know how I ended up with someone totally opposite. I've always felt like you should enjoy life. Not spend it chasing money.
If God has a marriage planned for me in the future. I ask only one thing: Workaholics need not apply.
Replies
You are spot on with the greed part and the American way, American \'s need to tak a step back and see what is truly important as all of us have learned all to well, I will never take things fro granted anymore and possesions mean nothing to me anymore, just want to have enough to get by.....Truhal you said you were in sales as am I what type of sales are you in, I sell a real estate.
Amen, sister. My life felt the same way. He bought a business and I supported him and worked with him in it. While we saw each other during work and back at home, we were never really \"together\" especially in the later years. It took a toll on our private life together. The kids were young when we started the business, and it took everything he had to make it go. I was responsible for the kids and taking them to doctor appointments and such. While owning the business afforded me the time with my children and doing school activities and care and such, I would have traded it for a regular 9 to 5 job if it meant spending more quality time with him.
I have often heard it said that \"some people work to live and some people live to work\"....sounds like your husband fell into the latter catagory. Deciding what is \"enough\" is a personal decision for each of us. I do think that all of us grieving have really been hit in the face with the fact that time with our loved ones is the only thing that really matters. Jim and I had both reached our business successes earlier in life and were retired when we met. Our children were grown, our careers behind us and both of us were comfortable financially. We had EVERYTHING....but the gift of time. It still saddens me that what was a perfect relationship was cut so tragically short. I was GREEDY...I wanted forever with Jim. Hugs, Dianne
Wow! I was so lucky compared to you and your husband. Smokey and I got to spend timee together but always concerned about the money. We loved ne another very deeply. The thing Smokey didn\'t like about me was I am an airhead and don\'t remember things if I don\'t write them down. What I didn\'t like about Smokey is that he was an excellent cook. In the end we did not go out to eat because Smokey could alwasy make it better at home. He was a grumpy man. I love to walk but if we did not have a destination to Smokey what is the point of walking without a destination. These are all minor things as I would rather have my Smokey back in my life. I can put up with eating at home and walking with a purpose in mind. There was something else but I can\'t remember. We did argue but we loved deeply. I did not always agree with what Smokey believed. It\'s okay as there are things you just have to accept with one another. Most of the things that drove me crazy about Smokey and what we argued about where all minor things. I still would rather have Smokey back here with me. The deep loved made it all worth while. We were loyal, faithful, trueblue, liked each other, respected each other, trusted each other, etc. and loved deeply. Our relationship wasn\'t perfect but it is or was the best we both had in our entire lives. That says something doesn\'t it?
Hi,
all I can say I\'m sorry you did not spend the time you wanted with your husband. For me my husband had cancer I feel that cancer took our time together away
Malia
Am thinking about the fact that many of us are matched with someone opposite of ourselves......I am sad for you that you lost those times when you could have been together........and if you are blessed with aaaanother marriage, I pray you will agree on the importance of being together.............Lorita