My tank is empty.
Lately I've been feeling down, depressed and defeated by life. I'm just trying to survive through each day. I'm busy painting a Barbie picture for Colleen, but the picture seems dead, with no beauty or sparkle in it. The picture is a mirror image of my current emotions.
The only thing that keeps me going, is the fact that I am doing the best I can for Colleen! No-one else can do for her what I'm doing, because no-one else will be prepared to walk this path of self denial. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for the past 9 years now, and my "tank is empty"! I need to "refill" my inner self, to enhance my performance. My only strength and guidance is from the Lord, because only He can give me the strength to proceed on an empty tank.
Colleen is my only reason for living. If she dies, I think I'll just disappear completely.
The only thing that keeps me going, is the fact that I am doing the best I can for Colleen! No-one else can do for her what I'm doing, because no-one else will be prepared to walk this path of self denial. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for the past 9 years now, and my "tank is empty"! I need to "refill" my inner self, to enhance my performance. My only strength and guidance is from the Lord, because only He can give me the strength to proceed on an empty tank.
Colleen is my only reason for living. If she dies, I think I'll just disappear completely.
Replies
Try to refresh your inner self and not wrap all your joy in Colleen as your only reason for living. She is a gift as is YOUR life as Colleen would want you to live. Find the other positive aspects of your life and allow them to flourish around you and bring you pleasure.
Sometimes it gets very dark and then theres a breakthrough. As artists we are prone to this. Gentle hugs, youre going to make it....
An appropriate title for a caregiver. I think we\'ve all been there from time to time. After 9 yrs of being a full time caregiver, I suspect your tank has been empty for quite some time. Feeling down and depressed is normal when you have no time for yourself and no help to assist.
It\'s good to see that you are painting. Even if the painting isn\'t quite what you expected, I hope it\'s something you enjoy doing., Though the caregiving is a tough job and time consuming, you do need to find things to do that you enjoy. If that is painting, then enjoy doing so without concern of the final product. It\'s the act and participation that is important.
As always, you and Colleen are in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs & prayers, Dan
Oh, hon, you are such a wonderful caregiver to your daughter. I know she is the focus of your life right now, and has been for a long time. And you are such a good mother. I sure commend you for this.
But, dearest, it\'s very important for your own health and well-being, to also devote time to your needs, because if you loose touch with \"you\" and fall victim to illness, which often befalls us depressed individuals because depression just drains the immune system and so does ongoing chronic stress, you will not be effective for your daughter, because of the neglect of you. Please know that it is necessary for us to pamper ourselves, get out and into the sunlight, enjoy something that brings us comfort and happiness, whatever it is that brings you comfort and joy, however small or big the pleasure is, do seek that, because you need it. It won\'t hurt a thing for you to indulge a little time in yourself, doing something that you enjoy, however small that \"something\" is. We need this ability in our lives, especially when we have ongoing demands and stresses which must be met and that we want to meet, but this ongoing demand we are meeting will inevitably cause us to be unable to meet those needs of others who depend on us, because our \"bucket\" will have been drained. Nothing left in it to give. Sounds like you are near the bottom of your bucket pail. Please do this for yourself; give yourself some \"me\" time to do whatever it is that makes you happy. You will end up no good to your daughter if you keep sliding down into the depression abyss. Been there. Depression is a robber and a thief; and it will rob you of your energy and your joy in even the simplest of things.
Try to have some fun at something you enjoy.
I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
((((Hugs)))