My struggle to enforce boundaries and move forward
I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now that I can't think straight, so I appreciate the consistent advice and feedback, even if I struggle to follow it.
As a follow-up, she texted me twice after my melt down and I did not reply. The first text was a rationalization of why her "personality" was a poor fit for me, and how I would do better with someone of a different personality, perhaps someone more needy than her, yada, yada.
The second text was to let me know that my son accepted an invitation to spend the weekend with a friend's family on their boat, and she was now going to spend the night at new guy's house.
I didn't take the bait or respond this time.
Sunday morning, more manipulation. While I have no intention of harming myself, I am really depressed and feeling hopeless. She took the prior text exchange perhaps to mean something it didn't, because she texted that she wants to be the executor on my will. I gave her a copy of the will months ago when we divorced as the divorce agreement requires me to protect my son (as I would anyway). The will names my brother as executor. She thinks my brother is controlling with money and she wouldn't want to have to go through him to utilize the trust for my son. She said:
"If you make me go through your brother, your son will never benefit a dime from those funds because I refuse to have to ask your brother for permission and explain the need for any withdrawals. So, if you want your son to benefit from those funds, you will change the will to name me as executor."
I didn't respond to that text either.
Saturday night, I was still feeling incredibly down, headache, no energy. I couldn't sleep again, but I finally fell into a restless half-sleep around 8:00 AM and stayed in bed until almost noon Sunday.
She keeps trying to...I don't know what. I didn't reply to those texts, and Sunday afternoon she texted that she made me banana bread and she wanted to bring my son over here for dinner, and I could grill steaks like I used to, and she wanted to read me the newest chapter.
I was so exhausted and conflicted that I caved again and agreed. She did bring banana bread and my son, for which I was grateful. However, grilling tenderloin steaks and eating together like we were still a family was just off. Then she read me the new chapter, which turned out to be a highly erotic finale to the book. It was very difficult to not have emotions, and to be honest, feel aroused as she read the explicit scene that she wrote. When she was done, I went to kiss her and she said "No." She looked at me and said "You knew what was coming in this chapter and you could have asked me to send it to you instead." Then she got up and left. To put it mildly, I was all out of sorts, and I knew better too after the experience the weekend before. What the hell is wrong with me?
I will get my resolve back. Even though I was still feeling down, I see how much better I was doing before her visit. As soon as I dropped contact for a while and was doing well, she found a way to get back into my head and, sure enough, I handed her control of my feelings again. That has to stop. While I can't see how yet, I have to find myself and become whole. I tried so damned hard to make it work even if it meant losing myself and all my self-respect, and all for the wrong person. I hope someday I find someone deserving of my love, who will be a true partner and love me back. I just don't see how that will happen right now, but I have to hope for the best or I'll never get out of this funk.
She leaves Wednesday for Florida staying with that BF, so I'll have my son for almost a week, though he will be at camp during the day. I am looking forward to that in spite of whatever she will be doing there. I wonder how local new guy feels about her trip? Maybe she has more feelings for new guy, because when she was supposedly reconciling with me, her three trips to FL were all 10 days each time, now its only six.
My only drawback with my son is they just put me on a special project at work and told me to cancel all vacation plans for the summer. I'm expected to put in 16 hour days along with three others on this effort. My job is relatively new and I can't really push back yet. It is an honor to be selected for this work, but I'd rather spend the time with my son. They will let me leave to pick him up from camp, but I have to connect from home as soon as I get home, so not sure how much quality time I'll have with him.
In summary to myself: REMEMBER THIS
I have to find my resolve and self-respect and set up those firm boundaries or I'll be stuck in this pain forever and never move forward. While it is hard to see a positive future right now, I know there can be one if I can stand back up, detach and move on.
As a follow-up, she texted me twice after my melt down and I did not reply. The first text was a rationalization of why her "personality" was a poor fit for me, and how I would do better with someone of a different personality, perhaps someone more needy than her, yada, yada.
The second text was to let me know that my son accepted an invitation to spend the weekend with a friend's family on their boat, and she was now going to spend the night at new guy's house.
I didn't take the bait or respond this time.
Sunday morning, more manipulation. While I have no intention of harming myself, I am really depressed and feeling hopeless. She took the prior text exchange perhaps to mean something it didn't, because she texted that she wants to be the executor on my will. I gave her a copy of the will months ago when we divorced as the divorce agreement requires me to protect my son (as I would anyway). The will names my brother as executor. She thinks my brother is controlling with money and she wouldn't want to have to go through him to utilize the trust for my son. She said:
"If you make me go through your brother, your son will never benefit a dime from those funds because I refuse to have to ask your brother for permission and explain the need for any withdrawals. So, if you want your son to benefit from those funds, you will change the will to name me as executor."
I didn't respond to that text either.
Saturday night, I was still feeling incredibly down, headache, no energy. I couldn't sleep again, but I finally fell into a restless half-sleep around 8:00 AM and stayed in bed until almost noon Sunday.
She keeps trying to...I don't know what. I didn't reply to those texts, and Sunday afternoon she texted that she made me banana bread and she wanted to bring my son over here for dinner, and I could grill steaks like I used to, and she wanted to read me the newest chapter.
I was so exhausted and conflicted that I caved again and agreed. She did bring banana bread and my son, for which I was grateful. However, grilling tenderloin steaks and eating together like we were still a family was just off. Then she read me the new chapter, which turned out to be a highly erotic finale to the book. It was very difficult to not have emotions, and to be honest, feel aroused as she read the explicit scene that she wrote. When she was done, I went to kiss her and she said "No." She looked at me and said "You knew what was coming in this chapter and you could have asked me to send it to you instead." Then she got up and left. To put it mildly, I was all out of sorts, and I knew better too after the experience the weekend before. What the hell is wrong with me?
I will get my resolve back. Even though I was still feeling down, I see how much better I was doing before her visit. As soon as I dropped contact for a while and was doing well, she found a way to get back into my head and, sure enough, I handed her control of my feelings again. That has to stop. While I can't see how yet, I have to find myself and become whole. I tried so damned hard to make it work even if it meant losing myself and all my self-respect, and all for the wrong person. I hope someday I find someone deserving of my love, who will be a true partner and love me back. I just don't see how that will happen right now, but I have to hope for the best or I'll never get out of this funk.
She leaves Wednesday for Florida staying with that BF, so I'll have my son for almost a week, though he will be at camp during the day. I am looking forward to that in spite of whatever she will be doing there. I wonder how local new guy feels about her trip? Maybe she has more feelings for new guy, because when she was supposedly reconciling with me, her three trips to FL were all 10 days each time, now its only six.
My only drawback with my son is they just put me on a special project at work and told me to cancel all vacation plans for the summer. I'm expected to put in 16 hour days along with three others on this effort. My job is relatively new and I can't really push back yet. It is an honor to be selected for this work, but I'd rather spend the time with my son. They will let me leave to pick him up from camp, but I have to connect from home as soon as I get home, so not sure how much quality time I'll have with him.
In summary to myself: REMEMBER THIS
I have to find my resolve and self-respect and set up those firm boundaries or I'll be stuck in this pain forever and never move forward. While it is hard to see a positive future right now, I know there can be one if I can stand back up, detach and move on.
Replies
Hey Lost, have you ever thought about going to a CODA meeting? It has helped me tremendously, you\'re a great man and you know the dynamics...12 step programs helped me get to base honesty, open up, and get my grounding, they have literally changed my life. Stay strong man.
@JBuck, thanks for the idea. I\'ve searched for a CODA meeting in my area, but there aren\'t any. I am in IC, and I also found a 12-step Alanon group near me. I had an alcoholic physically abusive step-father as a qualifier, and I\'m thinking the 12-step process itself is likely the same.
Let\'s focus on some of the positives. You ignored a bunch of baiting texts before eventually caving in while physically and emotionally exhausted. So you did well for a while! Good. That was exactly the right thing to do.
In a way, you exerted some control over her. You kept ignoring, she kept having to up the ante in order to get your attention. Imagine how tough that is for the narcissist to handle! She eventually had to bake you bread!! OK, at least there was that!
Sure, it was a mistake to let her come over, eat with you, read to you. But that\'s the last time, right? This last one should seal the deal. And her book is finished. And think about what she did: read you a bunch of eroticism and then coldly shut down your kiss. All very deliberate, manipulative, and just plain - evil! I\'m not a \"satan\" guy but some of the stuff she does is plain evil. Cruel for the enjoyment of watching others hurt. I guess they call that sadism.
Now look at her current relationship with new guy. You mean, she still goes to FL to mess around with other new guy (old guy from way back)? That\'s ridiculous!! How much do you think either of these idiots really mean to her? Ask another question (which I ask of myself about my stbx a lot lately) - does she even have the capacity for a loving, committed, exclusive relationship anymore? Or has she given all that up for cheap thrills?
You may feel like a broken person, but I\'m going to tell you that your ex is MESSED UP. You will probably heal and become more whole before she ever has a healthy relationship again, if that ever happens.
Just keep that NC going. Keep ignoring those texts. When she keeps upping the ante, smile a little inside while watching her squirm. Take away her power. She won\'t know what to do anymore.
Strength to you.
Thanks steppingOTE. I do tend to lose sight of the positives in the emotional flooding after the negative. Yes it is the end of the book, other than the actual formatting and publishing which I can do via email. You are right in that, in subtle ways that are hard to describe, it seemed she was enjoying my discomfort as she read and then as she shut me down and left. Yes, she is still going and staying with Florida Guy whit whom she has an ongoing EA, though not sure about the PA. I know on that first trip she had packed lingerie so it sure seemed was wanted a PA, but she came back and said they talked it though and decided to just be best friends... Whatever. I guess that\'s not my problem anymore, right? Thanks for pointing that out so well.
Almost certainly a PA as well as EA. You can\'t take anything she says at face value. I am in the same situation as far as that goes. Looking back, I can\'t believe the things stbx so EARNESTLY said to me that I now know to be complete bullshit. Just assume if her lips are moving, she\'s lying. Or just ignore completely. Stay strong and NC.