My Story of My Life... My first step... talking about it for the first time.
It's hard being an adult sometimes. I don't get to hide under my covers. I've learned through life to wear a mask. Sometimes I forget I have it on. I'm scared of the world most the time and I hide behind this mask. I wish I could just have the courage to take it off for good.
My story starts out sad. I shouldn't even be alive... My Mom was physically and verbally abused by my Father for years before I was born. She was told to "take care of me".... but, she refused and had me anyways. My Father loved me from the second I looked at him. He had his problems. Drugs being the main problem and a abusive Mother growing up. My Mom loved my Father deeply but, didn't know how to leave him... He beat her every day. My first memory was 3. I remember him pulling her from the shower and locking her outside, another time he was yelling at her and she ran so, I ran after her just as he threw and old rotary phone... which hit me in the back of the head... I have more memories. Memories that are unhappy and sad. But, it wasn't until a neighbor assumed my parents were "both" beating me did we finally get help. I was 3 and a social worker took me from my Mom's arms moments after her being beat... put me in his car and drove me away as they drove my Father to the police Station. I went to where they take children without parents ect. I stayed for 3-4 days. After my Mother proved to the courts her story, she was apologized to and I was released to her. My Father's Mother slapped my Mom yelling it was my Mom's fault for everything.
My Mother and I struggled with food and living places. She did everything to survive. Stole food for me and didn't eat herself... We were robbed when I was 4 from an upstair neighbor my cat was killed by them and we had to leave since our rent money was stolen... I was 4 when I last saw my Father... my Mom tried to allow him to see me but that didn't last. He started drugs again and while on drugs one day he had my Mom pull over for gas and then locked the car door with me inside at gun point. He was having a hallucination that the Germans were going to try to hurt me and he had to protect me. The Gas station attendant and my Mom finally after a hour freed me. (You see my Father was so damaged by his Mother he signed his parents name at 16 and went into the Army to get away from her... he was stationed at the wall in Germany and that is where he started to do drugs). So, it wasn't fully his fault in my eyes. He just had no one to help him when he needed it most. But, that was the last memory of being with my Father...
A 5 life seemed to start to pick up for my Mom and I. I was happy for once. I had friends and started Kindergarten. My Mom met a man through her best friend. His name was Donald. We called him Donnie. He was very nice and made me and my Mom laugh. After a few months of dating he started to stay over and finally moved in. Mom became pregnant with my little brother. Everything was going great! I had a family. I belonged.
I turned 6 and a month later I was a big sister to a little brother. I loved him so much. I was proud of being a big sister. We moved shortly due to lack of money. I loved school. It was for me. Something so exciting about being there with kids my own age. Everything was great.
When I was 7, I started to notice that my step-dad was no longer nice to me. I was told to hush a lot. My Uncle Kenny (his 2nd youngest of four brothers) moved in and shared my room. I loved him. He was the greatest person. He was 17 at the time so he was only home at night. But, he made me laugh, while my Step-Dad did the opposite. My first account of abuse even though at the time I didn't think of that it, was done on purpose... I was laying on the ground with my legs under our coffee table in the living room watching tv on my belly and he was on the couch in shorts with the coffee table in front of him. But, he had made "himself" exposed by not having boxers on under his shorts. I thought it was just an accident and left the room. It wouldn't be until 8 years old would I understand that moment.
I'm 8 years old and we move yet again. Uncle Kenny comes with us. We share the room yet again. One night he came home late and wasn't thinking and locked our door. My step-Dad at some point during the night broke it and kicked his brother out. No reason was given to me. Just that he had to go. (As an adult I now know why he did so) Few months later my Mom decides that her room is way to big for her and my Step-Dad. That she wants my brother to start sleeping in his own room with me now that Kenny was back with my Step-Grandmother. I was thrilled our room was bigger!!! 3 times bigger than a normal living room. Plus it had a bathroom with a shower. It was great!!! A month goes by and in the middle of the night (I thought I was dreaming) but, my Step-Dad lays beside me in my bed. My brother still refuses to sleep on his own so, I was alone. But, I didn't snap out of my sleep. I wrote it off as my imagination. But, for the first time in years we live somewhere more than a few months to a year.... we stay for a complete 2 years!
Over the next 2 years I'm yelled at more often and told to shut up when talking. Especially at dinner. My Mom continues to tell him to stop telling me to shut up that I am a kid and kids talk. He's also drinking more and doing drugs (we as kids don't understand this until later. I was 12-13 when I did) I often hear the phrase, "I'm not going if she's going". Hard to take the hurt at 8-9 years old how hated you are by someone and you never did a thing. My only outlet is visiting my beloved Aunt Jane. My savior. My best friend at the age of 79 years old. I spent almost every friday to sunday with her starting around 7 years old (but, more often around 8). That is where I met my best friend. My cousin Stephanie. She was sent to live there around 7. Due to her own sad story (but, that is not my place to share). Her story and mine over time grew to be the same. But, we were two halves that must have been separated from above and brought together down here on earth. With these two people I started to feel love. The love that I so desperately wanted.
I'm 9 about this time and we move again.... this time to a wonderful nice neighborhood. This is when he starts to visit my bedroom everyday before work at 4-5am. I was scared, confused, and sickened. I would set out my brother hot wheels hoping he'd step on them and make a noise. Then he'd be caught. But, Mom picked them up some time during the night. I pretended to be asleep and lifeless.
We moved once more. I was 10 and Had been abused for a full year. But, hope that having my own room for the first time would change it.... It didn't. Verbally abused often (not yelled at but, called names, made fun of, told to shut up, "I'm not going if she's going") Plus the morning visits... It was getting worse! He was starting to abuse me during the day as well. There's other things I cannot put to writing... But, have decided to do so. I think the reason that I decided to tell my Mom was that I had a fear of escalation. It was starting to turn into sneaking in the morning to bothering me in the car with "you have something on your shirt" or "did you spill something to your pants" then touching that area. All when my mom was in the grocery store. Or sending her on errands in order to abuse me. The week or two before I wrote a letter to my Mom he escalated to ejaculating on my stomach to "games" which was him tying a tube sock around my eyes and taking his penis and touching my tongue. telling me it was a hot or cold sensory test. I don't understand why I followed through. mostly fear and confusion. He constantly yelled at me. called me names. Grounded me.... Fear of being taken away??? That was my fear. But, at that age I didn't know ejaculation or anything like that. So, I never told my Mon that part. Last thing he did to me was urinate on me. 2 days later I told. Even though I had that fear. That constant fear..... I feared being taken away like Stephanie. Separated from my brother and sent to my only relative... my Grandmother. My father's Mother. I was scared and really sick over everything. I went to school everyday pretending to be this happy kid. With a great family. But, I was far from it. So, very far from being happy. I remember one night crying in my room... after what had happened during the day while my Mom was with my Brother at the grocery store. I wrote my Mom a letter that stated I was scared and that I couldn't take another morning of being touched and him making me touch him. I walked it into my Mom while she was watching T.V. in the living room. I started to walk away and she made me stop and asked if it was true. I said yes. She told me to go to my room and I could hear her yelling and screaming and she was tossing things at him. He was crying and dodging things. She kicked him out and called his Mother and Father. Over the next few days I was told to go to school and not talk to anyone about it. She took me to a local center outside of a hospital to be checked... They gave me a sheet of paper filled with question and my Mom became so nervous that we would be taken away even though she did nothing wrong and knew nothing of the abuse.... she asked me to lie and say I was mad at him. I did as she asked but, they still checked me out. I was released and told that telling lies are not good and to just accept my new Step-Dad.
I'm 11 and we move yet again.... back to the City we left when I was 9. We are living in a small 2 bedroom duplex. As a kid I thought everything was going well money wise but, it wasn't. She was struggling. One day she receives a call from Donnie stating he's going to kill himself. That it was the alcohol that makes him do the drugs and the dugs that makes him molest me and that he was molested as a child by his own father. We go looking for him and find him walking and sobbing. Him crying makes me cry and makes me feel like it's my fault... a month later he moves back in. Everything seems fine. We move yet again. After a year they are married and not long after that he starts up with the verbal abuse with me. 11 years old and my grades are suffering... B's C's D's and... F's!
12 years old now... I love my school but, I'm still not focused. My teacher is amazing. I love her so much (that we write each other 3 times a year to this day). My day dreaming has begun... and turned into a passion I now love.... ART! A small doodle of Dino the Dinosaur started it all. After that I found Basketball, where I won a 1st Place trophy for hoop shots. I was starting to pull up in my grades A's B's and a couple C's. I started to ignore Donnie at home. I stilled didn't trust his reform. He was full of it and we both knew it. We moved again. But, this time my own room. With a lock! My new phobia! I had to have a locked door at all times( just as of recently I leave my bedroom door unlocked but, my front door is locked the second I step into the house). My closet door closed as well. I continued getting better in school, visiting My Aunt and cousin on the weekends every chance I get.
I'm 12 and have graduated 6th grade and they go and decide to buy a home in Westminster. Away from my friends, my family.... my cousin! I feel alone! But, after month at school.... 7th grade. I start to fall into place. Semester after semester nothing but, A's. Honor Role! Student aide for 3 teachers. I'm loved by my teachers. Considered a favorite to almost all my teachers. So, many friends. Not popular but, I was going to go that way.....
One day we get a summons to be in San Diego.... why? My Father was in jail for causing a cop to accidently kill a woman crossing the street with her child in a stroller. His gun was on safety and so, they shot him and the woman accidently while in the process of fleeing an attempted robbery.... We are forced to go for a week and stay for my Mom to testify to her abuse. Showing that he had a pass of abuse to help their case that this one's not a one time offense. In a way Mom made it a vacation for my brother and I. She wanted me not to be worried. Promised me that I wouldn't have to see him... I now wish I could have had a glimpse. You see... my Mom never talked ill of my Father. She said he was a good man and wonderful Father... just that he was lost along the way in life and very sick. She wasn't like most women that pour evil negative memories in their child's head so , that the child hates their father. She did the opposite, pictures on the wall of him and I and told me stories. All went well and she was never called to testify.... We enjoyed a free week in San Diego fully paid for and he was in jail for good. No more restraining orders... we could just live our lives.
8th grade and A's all around. But, my happiness is crushed when we learn of the death of my Uncle Kenny at the age of 23... only weeks before his 24th birthday he was killed in a car crash. I never realized that people died.... It never occurred to me. I actually obsessed over it. I mourned for so long. Years! We sell the home and move back to the place where my life began... I hate this place. I hate leaving my new friends behind. My great grades! The High School I planned to go to... the Collage I wanted so, bad. I finally had a place and my mask was off.....
The new school is awful but, I see the faces of old friends... friends from so many school I went to over the last few years from all the moves. We live here for 3 years the most ever in one place.... the 2nd year Donnie starts to drink and goes missing.Where we have to search bars every night. He comes and goes and starts fights. My Mom tries her best to get him to stay. He starting to act weird towards me again. steals my bras and clothes... He leaves my Mom after cheating on her over and over. Then, my Grandpa Kenny dies only a year after my Uncle Kenny. I refused to go to the funeral, I'm so sad over it. I focus on school at this point. I get all A's and a B... Graduate 8th grade and and realize that I want to go to home study instead of an actual High School... Donnie leaves the day after Christmas for one year. My Mom looses weight I start to have my cousin stay over and I'm enjoying life again.... Mom works at McDonald's to support us. It's what she does as usual..... she puts herself last. But, after being gone a year he moves himself back in without permission. great!!! One year later we move....
Yup, we move yet again but, this time we buy a Town Home... and I have my own room and a locked door once again. It's 1998... I'm starting to develope more and more... 6th grade I was a B... I'm now a C.... and so self conscious that I hunch to hide my chest from him. By the end of High School I'm a D... I start to gain weight due to stress. I try my best to stay in my room as much as I can or at my Aunts home with Stephanie. I do 9th, 10th skipped the 11th and graduate the 12th with 90% A's and a few B's. I bunt heads with my Step-Dad often. I learn to stand my ground. I become aggressive with him. He's starting to drink and do drugs once more.... but, this time I see the signs. He's stealing product from work and selling it to make cash to use towards drugs. He's stealing money from my Mom's account. Using it on hotels to cheat and buy drugs. Even going M.I.A the night before Christmas... the last year my brother believed in Santa Donnie comes home Christmas morning full of hickies smelling of women and booze. Mom is struggling with her job that barely makes anything... hard when your told to stay home with the kids for so many years and have no degree to get a nice job.... A feeling I have towards a business she works for then makes me force my Mom to fill out this application that was sitting in her trunk for a month! It's just something about it that I believe she'd be meant for it. She gets the job!!! They love her. It pays sooooo well and benefits!!! (Little do I know that I just made my own destiny from that one application...)
September 11th, 2001 a horrible day for America but, a horrible day for us. Donnie's caught on camera at his job stealing. A job of 12-14years with benefits and skies the limits positions for advancement. He's fired. Lucky us my Mom has a job that pays well as he slacks off for a full year and a half giving me nothing but, HELL!!! He starts to break into my room when I'm not home. He's stealing my clothes (shirts, underwear, and bras... even my swim suites)... just as this is all happening my cousin has a fight that is physical with her Father and moves in with us... after 2 months I get nervous that Donnie is paying attention too much to Stephanie that I have a fight and kick her out to protect her (she learns of my intentions 6 months later and we are friends again. Even closer now that we share our secrets of abuse). She will be the only one to know 80% of everything done to me by Donnie etc....
We're going on a year there at the new Town home and he's still doing his stuff.... my clothes are missing. I'm finding them on the roof, in the storm drain by our garage... I am fed up! I'm in collage all day and this is what I go home to? I start to yell at him and order him to stay in his room and not to come out. He acts like a child while on these drugs. That he listens to me and stays away and actually acts like he fears me. My poor Mom is being called at work by me all the time... Donnie grabbed my chest one day while my Mom was at work... it was starting all over again. She tells him that he has to get off the drugs. He lies and said he will. He stays away from me as much as he can but, still picks fights with me. He gets a job after 18+ months off and then after being there for 6 months I'm offered a job by his boss. I take it and leave school since now the verbal abuse is that I need to move out or find a job.... I work there for 14 months. I enjoyed it so much. I had a purpose and they liked me. I moved up from receptionist to General Manager's Assistant in less than a year.
Our only family outings were Sober Softball every weekend for years. I knew 90% of them. Some had the addiction kicked while others had family members that had the addictions. There was this one guy that seemed to take notice of me. Since I could hit the ball as far as any of the men... I assumed it was to play ball. He gave me his number. I messaged him that my receptionist played on teams and I didn't. He had needed a girl on his co-ed team one day and I gave him my receptionist's phone number. Very innocent. She went and she played. She played on the team 2-5 times. One night he was coming by to pick up a check from me for my receptions to play that weekend tournament... I was pulled in the car then drove 8 houses down and raped in the front seat of his car. He drove me back and dropped me off by my garage and drove away. I walked into the house like nothing had happened and went to bed. Went to work the next day like nothing had happened. Did that for 12 weeks until I felt sick one day and went home... I had realized I was pregnant. I had lost a lot weight, hadn't been eating. When I did eat it was no more than 1 meal a day, hardly any fluids... At this time Donnie is still snooping in my room and stealing my clothes. That stress and working 60hr weeks and being pregnant and not knowing it.... I quit my job. A few days later I tell my Mom that I believe that I am pregnant. I'm being called a slut by Donnie and now my brother because he sees me as a cause for all the problems in the house in his eyes... at this time he knows nothing about the molestation. He seems to have taken his Dad's side. I decide with my Mom to have it taken care of... by the end of my month of my 22nd birthday. I come home to Donnie calling me names and telling me I am a "baby killer" then my brother uses that when we get into fights With me. My Mom yells at him telling him to stop.... I blurt out that his father is a pig and molested me for 2 years. I walk away and never know of his reaction. A few weeks later after only being in the new house my Mom bought for 2 months... Donnie walks out on my Mom for another woman and he never comes back....(2006 they divorce). He marries this woman.
It's 2005 I'm 22 going to be 23 and it can't be any better. My brother and I are closer. We spend the days together as our Mom works. We visit my cousin, go to the movies on our own... we are independent for the first time in our lives! I start school again but, online... I accept a date from one of my Mom's co-workers... Jeremy. I've had such a huge crush on him for 4 years. Mom's close to him. He's a 25 year old guy that has worked with my Mom since 2001. He smart, sweet, so very funny. Plus he asked my Mom permission to ask me to Knott's berry Farm for the day. I'm 22, my first date! He wonderful! For the first time I feel safe around a man. It would be another week before I hear from him... on a family vacation to San Diego.... He called me every day while there just to talk... It's May 14th, I'm dying to leave my cousin's house. Her boyfriend at the time was so creepy... and who calls but, my Knight in shining armor. Rather than take a bus home like usual... he came to Long Beach to pick me up. First day I met his sister and brother-in law along with his 8 month old nephew. Then from that moment on we were together everyday... He got me out of my shell... my mask seemed to melt off of me... He taught me how to drive and within a year I had my license. So, 2005-present.... 2 little boys later... a 4 year olds and a 15 month old. I'm a stay at home Mother and he has a very WELL paying job! I'm happy for once in my Life. But, I still have my mask on every now and then.... for him. I told him right away about my rape... but, it was almost 7 years and 3 months into my relation ship that I believe he doesn't remember but, would if I said something about it. He's truly the most loving person that one could ever meet. He gives me anything and everything I could ever ask for. He has wonderful morals. Goes to work and comes home. He loves his sons and is there every step of the way with bringing them up. He's my best friend. Only flaw is his Mother lol.
I really don't back down and I know I need to be a little more light hearted. But, it's hard. I have no friends that I can talk to. My cousin had her own difficulties with her abuse and found that she needed some one to love her and it didn't matter who... just anyone to love her and she chose some guy off of myspace got pregnant day one and married 90 days later.... we haven't seen each other since her wedding day. Her way of forgetting her past was to just loose it and I was one she cut out. I use to have hour long talks with her and feel better if I had a dream about the past or like the horrible day I bumped into Donnie and my old boss at a restaurant... I had her to talk to as she did the same with me for years. A physical journal doesn't help. I tried to make an appointment to talk to someone. But, Kaiser is a just show up.... if I don't have an appointment I have no "get up and go" so I just don't go. I decided today to look for support online. Maybe someone out there that has advice how to go past this all. How to feel like an adult and not a scared child. I have no confidence in myself. After 2 kids over the last 3 years I see it in my body as well. Even though Im treated like I'm 110lb model...though I'm 5'8"/170lbs. I think I need the self esteem to learn to love myself like my family loves me. I love my Mom but, still have dislike for her.... For allowing the 10 years after my molesting coming out to have happened to me to only act like it's erased from her memory. We should have just struggled in life rather than choosing the outcome of needed my abuser to survive. That she didn't protect me. I tell myself things happened for a reason. I would have never have met my soulmate or have had my children. But, even though I believe in fate I want to be able to believe that I can over come and cope with child abuse and with rape. It's going to be hard but, I believe I can reach each step if I really allow myself to let down my walls that I hold up so very close to me. I believe that is why I never dated until my abuser left my home. 7 years of happiness with this wonderful man almost erases everything that has happened to me growing up. Or at least makes me forget them for a while.
My story starts out sad. I shouldn't even be alive... My Mom was physically and verbally abused by my Father for years before I was born. She was told to "take care of me".... but, she refused and had me anyways. My Father loved me from the second I looked at him. He had his problems. Drugs being the main problem and a abusive Mother growing up. My Mom loved my Father deeply but, didn't know how to leave him... He beat her every day. My first memory was 3. I remember him pulling her from the shower and locking her outside, another time he was yelling at her and she ran so, I ran after her just as he threw and old rotary phone... which hit me in the back of the head... I have more memories. Memories that are unhappy and sad. But, it wasn't until a neighbor assumed my parents were "both" beating me did we finally get help. I was 3 and a social worker took me from my Mom's arms moments after her being beat... put me in his car and drove me away as they drove my Father to the police Station. I went to where they take children without parents ect. I stayed for 3-4 days. After my Mother proved to the courts her story, she was apologized to and I was released to her. My Father's Mother slapped my Mom yelling it was my Mom's fault for everything.
My Mother and I struggled with food and living places. She did everything to survive. Stole food for me and didn't eat herself... We were robbed when I was 4 from an upstair neighbor my cat was killed by them and we had to leave since our rent money was stolen... I was 4 when I last saw my Father... my Mom tried to allow him to see me but that didn't last. He started drugs again and while on drugs one day he had my Mom pull over for gas and then locked the car door with me inside at gun point. He was having a hallucination that the Germans were going to try to hurt me and he had to protect me. The Gas station attendant and my Mom finally after a hour freed me. (You see my Father was so damaged by his Mother he signed his parents name at 16 and went into the Army to get away from her... he was stationed at the wall in Germany and that is where he started to do drugs). So, it wasn't fully his fault in my eyes. He just had no one to help him when he needed it most. But, that was the last memory of being with my Father...
A 5 life seemed to start to pick up for my Mom and I. I was happy for once. I had friends and started Kindergarten. My Mom met a man through her best friend. His name was Donald. We called him Donnie. He was very nice and made me and my Mom laugh. After a few months of dating he started to stay over and finally moved in. Mom became pregnant with my little brother. Everything was going great! I had a family. I belonged.
I turned 6 and a month later I was a big sister to a little brother. I loved him so much. I was proud of being a big sister. We moved shortly due to lack of money. I loved school. It was for me. Something so exciting about being there with kids my own age. Everything was great.
When I was 7, I started to notice that my step-dad was no longer nice to me. I was told to hush a lot. My Uncle Kenny (his 2nd youngest of four brothers) moved in and shared my room. I loved him. He was the greatest person. He was 17 at the time so he was only home at night. But, he made me laugh, while my Step-Dad did the opposite. My first account of abuse even though at the time I didn't think of that it, was done on purpose... I was laying on the ground with my legs under our coffee table in the living room watching tv on my belly and he was on the couch in shorts with the coffee table in front of him. But, he had made "himself" exposed by not having boxers on under his shorts. I thought it was just an accident and left the room. It wouldn't be until 8 years old would I understand that moment.
I'm 8 years old and we move yet again. Uncle Kenny comes with us. We share the room yet again. One night he came home late and wasn't thinking and locked our door. My step-Dad at some point during the night broke it and kicked his brother out. No reason was given to me. Just that he had to go. (As an adult I now know why he did so) Few months later my Mom decides that her room is way to big for her and my Step-Dad. That she wants my brother to start sleeping in his own room with me now that Kenny was back with my Step-Grandmother. I was thrilled our room was bigger!!! 3 times bigger than a normal living room. Plus it had a bathroom with a shower. It was great!!! A month goes by and in the middle of the night (I thought I was dreaming) but, my Step-Dad lays beside me in my bed. My brother still refuses to sleep on his own so, I was alone. But, I didn't snap out of my sleep. I wrote it off as my imagination. But, for the first time in years we live somewhere more than a few months to a year.... we stay for a complete 2 years!
Over the next 2 years I'm yelled at more often and told to shut up when talking. Especially at dinner. My Mom continues to tell him to stop telling me to shut up that I am a kid and kids talk. He's also drinking more and doing drugs (we as kids don't understand this until later. I was 12-13 when I did) I often hear the phrase, "I'm not going if she's going". Hard to take the hurt at 8-9 years old how hated you are by someone and you never did a thing. My only outlet is visiting my beloved Aunt Jane. My savior. My best friend at the age of 79 years old. I spent almost every friday to sunday with her starting around 7 years old (but, more often around 8). That is where I met my best friend. My cousin Stephanie. She was sent to live there around 7. Due to her own sad story (but, that is not my place to share). Her story and mine over time grew to be the same. But, we were two halves that must have been separated from above and brought together down here on earth. With these two people I started to feel love. The love that I so desperately wanted.
I'm 9 about this time and we move again.... this time to a wonderful nice neighborhood. This is when he starts to visit my bedroom everyday before work at 4-5am. I was scared, confused, and sickened. I would set out my brother hot wheels hoping he'd step on them and make a noise. Then he'd be caught. But, Mom picked them up some time during the night. I pretended to be asleep and lifeless.
We moved once more. I was 10 and Had been abused for a full year. But, hope that having my own room for the first time would change it.... It didn't. Verbally abused often (not yelled at but, called names, made fun of, told to shut up, "I'm not going if she's going") Plus the morning visits... It was getting worse! He was starting to abuse me during the day as well. There's other things I cannot put to writing... But, have decided to do so. I think the reason that I decided to tell my Mom was that I had a fear of escalation. It was starting to turn into sneaking in the morning to bothering me in the car with "you have something on your shirt" or "did you spill something to your pants" then touching that area. All when my mom was in the grocery store. Or sending her on errands in order to abuse me. The week or two before I wrote a letter to my Mom he escalated to ejaculating on my stomach to "games" which was him tying a tube sock around my eyes and taking his penis and touching my tongue. telling me it was a hot or cold sensory test. I don't understand why I followed through. mostly fear and confusion. He constantly yelled at me. called me names. Grounded me.... Fear of being taken away??? That was my fear. But, at that age I didn't know ejaculation or anything like that. So, I never told my Mon that part. Last thing he did to me was urinate on me. 2 days later I told. Even though I had that fear. That constant fear..... I feared being taken away like Stephanie. Separated from my brother and sent to my only relative... my Grandmother. My father's Mother. I was scared and really sick over everything. I went to school everyday pretending to be this happy kid. With a great family. But, I was far from it. So, very far from being happy. I remember one night crying in my room... after what had happened during the day while my Mom was with my Brother at the grocery store. I wrote my Mom a letter that stated I was scared and that I couldn't take another morning of being touched and him making me touch him. I walked it into my Mom while she was watching T.V. in the living room. I started to walk away and she made me stop and asked if it was true. I said yes. She told me to go to my room and I could hear her yelling and screaming and she was tossing things at him. He was crying and dodging things. She kicked him out and called his Mother and Father. Over the next few days I was told to go to school and not talk to anyone about it. She took me to a local center outside of a hospital to be checked... They gave me a sheet of paper filled with question and my Mom became so nervous that we would be taken away even though she did nothing wrong and knew nothing of the abuse.... she asked me to lie and say I was mad at him. I did as she asked but, they still checked me out. I was released and told that telling lies are not good and to just accept my new Step-Dad.
I'm 11 and we move yet again.... back to the City we left when I was 9. We are living in a small 2 bedroom duplex. As a kid I thought everything was going well money wise but, it wasn't. She was struggling. One day she receives a call from Donnie stating he's going to kill himself. That it was the alcohol that makes him do the drugs and the dugs that makes him molest me and that he was molested as a child by his own father. We go looking for him and find him walking and sobbing. Him crying makes me cry and makes me feel like it's my fault... a month later he moves back in. Everything seems fine. We move yet again. After a year they are married and not long after that he starts up with the verbal abuse with me. 11 years old and my grades are suffering... B's C's D's and... F's!
12 years old now... I love my school but, I'm still not focused. My teacher is amazing. I love her so much (that we write each other 3 times a year to this day). My day dreaming has begun... and turned into a passion I now love.... ART! A small doodle of Dino the Dinosaur started it all. After that I found Basketball, where I won a 1st Place trophy for hoop shots. I was starting to pull up in my grades A's B's and a couple C's. I started to ignore Donnie at home. I stilled didn't trust his reform. He was full of it and we both knew it. We moved again. But, this time my own room. With a lock! My new phobia! I had to have a locked door at all times( just as of recently I leave my bedroom door unlocked but, my front door is locked the second I step into the house). My closet door closed as well. I continued getting better in school, visiting My Aunt and cousin on the weekends every chance I get.
I'm 12 and have graduated 6th grade and they go and decide to buy a home in Westminster. Away from my friends, my family.... my cousin! I feel alone! But, after month at school.... 7th grade. I start to fall into place. Semester after semester nothing but, A's. Honor Role! Student aide for 3 teachers. I'm loved by my teachers. Considered a favorite to almost all my teachers. So, many friends. Not popular but, I was going to go that way.....
One day we get a summons to be in San Diego.... why? My Father was in jail for causing a cop to accidently kill a woman crossing the street with her child in a stroller. His gun was on safety and so, they shot him and the woman accidently while in the process of fleeing an attempted robbery.... We are forced to go for a week and stay for my Mom to testify to her abuse. Showing that he had a pass of abuse to help their case that this one's not a one time offense. In a way Mom made it a vacation for my brother and I. She wanted me not to be worried. Promised me that I wouldn't have to see him... I now wish I could have had a glimpse. You see... my Mom never talked ill of my Father. She said he was a good man and wonderful Father... just that he was lost along the way in life and very sick. She wasn't like most women that pour evil negative memories in their child's head so , that the child hates their father. She did the opposite, pictures on the wall of him and I and told me stories. All went well and she was never called to testify.... We enjoyed a free week in San Diego fully paid for and he was in jail for good. No more restraining orders... we could just live our lives.
8th grade and A's all around. But, my happiness is crushed when we learn of the death of my Uncle Kenny at the age of 23... only weeks before his 24th birthday he was killed in a car crash. I never realized that people died.... It never occurred to me. I actually obsessed over it. I mourned for so long. Years! We sell the home and move back to the place where my life began... I hate this place. I hate leaving my new friends behind. My great grades! The High School I planned to go to... the Collage I wanted so, bad. I finally had a place and my mask was off.....
The new school is awful but, I see the faces of old friends... friends from so many school I went to over the last few years from all the moves. We live here for 3 years the most ever in one place.... the 2nd year Donnie starts to drink and goes missing.Where we have to search bars every night. He comes and goes and starts fights. My Mom tries her best to get him to stay. He starting to act weird towards me again. steals my bras and clothes... He leaves my Mom after cheating on her over and over. Then, my Grandpa Kenny dies only a year after my Uncle Kenny. I refused to go to the funeral, I'm so sad over it. I focus on school at this point. I get all A's and a B... Graduate 8th grade and and realize that I want to go to home study instead of an actual High School... Donnie leaves the day after Christmas for one year. My Mom looses weight I start to have my cousin stay over and I'm enjoying life again.... Mom works at McDonald's to support us. It's what she does as usual..... she puts herself last. But, after being gone a year he moves himself back in without permission. great!!! One year later we move....
Yup, we move yet again but, this time we buy a Town Home... and I have my own room and a locked door once again. It's 1998... I'm starting to develope more and more... 6th grade I was a B... I'm now a C.... and so self conscious that I hunch to hide my chest from him. By the end of High School I'm a D... I start to gain weight due to stress. I try my best to stay in my room as much as I can or at my Aunts home with Stephanie. I do 9th, 10th skipped the 11th and graduate the 12th with 90% A's and a few B's. I bunt heads with my Step-Dad often. I learn to stand my ground. I become aggressive with him. He's starting to drink and do drugs once more.... but, this time I see the signs. He's stealing product from work and selling it to make cash to use towards drugs. He's stealing money from my Mom's account. Using it on hotels to cheat and buy drugs. Even going M.I.A the night before Christmas... the last year my brother believed in Santa Donnie comes home Christmas morning full of hickies smelling of women and booze. Mom is struggling with her job that barely makes anything... hard when your told to stay home with the kids for so many years and have no degree to get a nice job.... A feeling I have towards a business she works for then makes me force my Mom to fill out this application that was sitting in her trunk for a month! It's just something about it that I believe she'd be meant for it. She gets the job!!! They love her. It pays sooooo well and benefits!!! (Little do I know that I just made my own destiny from that one application...)
September 11th, 2001 a horrible day for America but, a horrible day for us. Donnie's caught on camera at his job stealing. A job of 12-14years with benefits and skies the limits positions for advancement. He's fired. Lucky us my Mom has a job that pays well as he slacks off for a full year and a half giving me nothing but, HELL!!! He starts to break into my room when I'm not home. He's stealing my clothes (shirts, underwear, and bras... even my swim suites)... just as this is all happening my cousin has a fight that is physical with her Father and moves in with us... after 2 months I get nervous that Donnie is paying attention too much to Stephanie that I have a fight and kick her out to protect her (she learns of my intentions 6 months later and we are friends again. Even closer now that we share our secrets of abuse). She will be the only one to know 80% of everything done to me by Donnie etc....
We're going on a year there at the new Town home and he's still doing his stuff.... my clothes are missing. I'm finding them on the roof, in the storm drain by our garage... I am fed up! I'm in collage all day and this is what I go home to? I start to yell at him and order him to stay in his room and not to come out. He acts like a child while on these drugs. That he listens to me and stays away and actually acts like he fears me. My poor Mom is being called at work by me all the time... Donnie grabbed my chest one day while my Mom was at work... it was starting all over again. She tells him that he has to get off the drugs. He lies and said he will. He stays away from me as much as he can but, still picks fights with me. He gets a job after 18+ months off and then after being there for 6 months I'm offered a job by his boss. I take it and leave school since now the verbal abuse is that I need to move out or find a job.... I work there for 14 months. I enjoyed it so much. I had a purpose and they liked me. I moved up from receptionist to General Manager's Assistant in less than a year.
Our only family outings were Sober Softball every weekend for years. I knew 90% of them. Some had the addiction kicked while others had family members that had the addictions. There was this one guy that seemed to take notice of me. Since I could hit the ball as far as any of the men... I assumed it was to play ball. He gave me his number. I messaged him that my receptionist played on teams and I didn't. He had needed a girl on his co-ed team one day and I gave him my receptionist's phone number. Very innocent. She went and she played. She played on the team 2-5 times. One night he was coming by to pick up a check from me for my receptions to play that weekend tournament... I was pulled in the car then drove 8 houses down and raped in the front seat of his car. He drove me back and dropped me off by my garage and drove away. I walked into the house like nothing had happened and went to bed. Went to work the next day like nothing had happened. Did that for 12 weeks until I felt sick one day and went home... I had realized I was pregnant. I had lost a lot weight, hadn't been eating. When I did eat it was no more than 1 meal a day, hardly any fluids... At this time Donnie is still snooping in my room and stealing my clothes. That stress and working 60hr weeks and being pregnant and not knowing it.... I quit my job. A few days later I tell my Mom that I believe that I am pregnant. I'm being called a slut by Donnie and now my brother because he sees me as a cause for all the problems in the house in his eyes... at this time he knows nothing about the molestation. He seems to have taken his Dad's side. I decide with my Mom to have it taken care of... by the end of my month of my 22nd birthday. I come home to Donnie calling me names and telling me I am a "baby killer" then my brother uses that when we get into fights With me. My Mom yells at him telling him to stop.... I blurt out that his father is a pig and molested me for 2 years. I walk away and never know of his reaction. A few weeks later after only being in the new house my Mom bought for 2 months... Donnie walks out on my Mom for another woman and he never comes back....(2006 they divorce). He marries this woman.
It's 2005 I'm 22 going to be 23 and it can't be any better. My brother and I are closer. We spend the days together as our Mom works. We visit my cousin, go to the movies on our own... we are independent for the first time in our lives! I start school again but, online... I accept a date from one of my Mom's co-workers... Jeremy. I've had such a huge crush on him for 4 years. Mom's close to him. He's a 25 year old guy that has worked with my Mom since 2001. He smart, sweet, so very funny. Plus he asked my Mom permission to ask me to Knott's berry Farm for the day. I'm 22, my first date! He wonderful! For the first time I feel safe around a man. It would be another week before I hear from him... on a family vacation to San Diego.... He called me every day while there just to talk... It's May 14th, I'm dying to leave my cousin's house. Her boyfriend at the time was so creepy... and who calls but, my Knight in shining armor. Rather than take a bus home like usual... he came to Long Beach to pick me up. First day I met his sister and brother-in law along with his 8 month old nephew. Then from that moment on we were together everyday... He got me out of my shell... my mask seemed to melt off of me... He taught me how to drive and within a year I had my license. So, 2005-present.... 2 little boys later... a 4 year olds and a 15 month old. I'm a stay at home Mother and he has a very WELL paying job! I'm happy for once in my Life. But, I still have my mask on every now and then.... for him. I told him right away about my rape... but, it was almost 7 years and 3 months into my relation ship that I believe he doesn't remember but, would if I said something about it. He's truly the most loving person that one could ever meet. He gives me anything and everything I could ever ask for. He has wonderful morals. Goes to work and comes home. He loves his sons and is there every step of the way with bringing them up. He's my best friend. Only flaw is his Mother lol.
I really don't back down and I know I need to be a little more light hearted. But, it's hard. I have no friends that I can talk to. My cousin had her own difficulties with her abuse and found that she needed some one to love her and it didn't matter who... just anyone to love her and she chose some guy off of myspace got pregnant day one and married 90 days later.... we haven't seen each other since her wedding day. Her way of forgetting her past was to just loose it and I was one she cut out. I use to have hour long talks with her and feel better if I had a dream about the past or like the horrible day I bumped into Donnie and my old boss at a restaurant... I had her to talk to as she did the same with me for years. A physical journal doesn't help. I tried to make an appointment to talk to someone. But, Kaiser is a just show up.... if I don't have an appointment I have no "get up and go" so I just don't go. I decided today to look for support online. Maybe someone out there that has advice how to go past this all. How to feel like an adult and not a scared child. I have no confidence in myself. After 2 kids over the last 3 years I see it in my body as well. Even though Im treated like I'm 110lb model...though I'm 5'8"/170lbs. I think I need the self esteem to learn to love myself like my family loves me. I love my Mom but, still have dislike for her.... For allowing the 10 years after my molesting coming out to have happened to me to only act like it's erased from her memory. We should have just struggled in life rather than choosing the outcome of needed my abuser to survive. That she didn't protect me. I tell myself things happened for a reason. I would have never have met my soulmate or have had my children. But, even though I believe in fate I want to be able to believe that I can over come and cope with child abuse and with rape. It's going to be hard but, I believe I can reach each step if I really allow myself to let down my walls that I hold up so very close to me. I believe that is why I never dated until my abuser left my home. 7 years of happiness with this wonderful man almost erases everything that has happened to me growing up. Or at least makes me forget them for a while.
Replies