My Son's ashes
I have a question for everyone. We had my son, Robert, cremated. The original plan was to spread his ashes over the slough on his grandparents property where he loved to fish and hang out. Now, my ex husband wants to make a family burial plot and bury his ashes. My problem with this is that I know there won't be very many people buried there and odds are, in twenty, fifty years from now, who is going to take care of it?? We have a small cemetery on our property and in the 15 years we have been here, not one single person has ever come out to visit it. And one guy was buried there in 1982. I really believe my son who have preferred his ashes be spread over the slough and I've mentioned it to my oldest son, but he seems to think hue burial is a good idea. Now I have some ashes of my own. I have some in a necklace I wear and some in a small urn by my chair. I also have enough to fill a bigger urn. I don't want to be difficult about this, but I'm thinking of the future. And the fact that he's my son and I should have a say in this. What should I do? We already had issues with the time of spreading his ashes to begin with. My ex wanted to have it done around October last year and I told him I already had enough dates to remember and it made more sense to me to do it on the date of either his death or funeral. He agreed to that but then came up with this idea of the burial plot. This is driving me crazy and the anniversary of his death is coming up. I don't know what to do!
Replies
Look in your heart and listen, eventually it will tell you when and how, might not be to his fathers timetable but the solution will come to you. Sending hugs and love to you during this difficult situation, praying you hear your angels whispers!
That is a tough one. I expect your ex is grieving too and is having trouble dealing with the whole situation.
I can only tell you what we did. We have a small urn in our living room. I need to keep Lisa near me. Her daughter and brother have some ashes too. When I said I wanted my ashes spread, Lisa said she wanted somewhere that she could visit. That is no longer an issue. But we did get a plot for her so others had some place to visit. She loved her rural home so we had her ashes buried in the little village cemetery about a mile away.
I tend to agree with Lynnette - go with your heart. Perhaps you and your ex can compromise.
I do feel for you. It is not easy.
Love and hugs,,
Marlene
Splitting the ashes disturbs me now...Josh\'s wife was given half and we took half. I guess that is only fair. Sigh. We waited for over a week or so to hear from Josh\'s wife on what her plans were. She had none and no money so Dave stepped forward and the arrangements were made without me. (Actually I am still annoyed about that but it is too late now. It just happened that way, I can\'t remember why.) Josh\'s wife received half and we received half. Like you, I have some in a necklace, we placed a small amount under a stone at the Armed Forces Memorial Garden where we had an engraved stone made for him. Chis, our other son says he wants some but still can\'t even touch the stone as yet. The rest of our half, neither Dave or Chris have ever spoken about it. I know I cannot let go yet. It is such a personal thing so I am sorry, no advice...
Penny, this is always a difficult decision. My grandson wanted a place to visit his Dad so we buried Ed\'s ashes. My grandson and granddaughter and i picked out his stone together and we each had the opportunity to pick out something significant and meaningful to have etched on the stone. For us it was the right thing to do. I hope whatever you and your family chooses it bring you peace. Love to you and dearest Robert, Linda
Daren was cremated...I have a small memorial in my bedroom--and gave each of the my kids some of his ashes. His friends wanted some of his ashes, and I gave them some and they scattered them on the football field and baseball field. One of his best friends took some ashes to his tribe and they had a spiritual ceremony for him, as he was considered a friend of the tribe. I still have his remaining ashes and am finally ready to scatter them. Perhaps this summer, when my daughter & son and I are together we will scatter them in the Northwest, I will leave that up to them.
His friends and mine wanted a place to be with him...I had a stone made and put it in the local rural cemetery and it is visited by many of his friends and mine. There are no ashes buried there, but that was not made public.
I really think that there is right no wrong way...Lynette is right, it will come to you.
Is it possible for you to give some of his ashes to his dad and allow him to do what he feels he needs to with them and you keep what you need and do what you need to do with them?
I had Kala\'s body buried....really without even thinking about it. I\'ve often wished I\'d had the body cremated so I\'d have an urn in my home. But, what was done was done and can\'t be undone now....
No matter what you decide, make peace with the decision and know that the body, though precious and sacred, is not the \"real\" Robert. Robert IS, forever.
I have a small urn with some ashes of one of my very best friends....the founder of FMO, Barbara Smith. This was an incredible gift she chose to give me and her family carried out her wishes. I am so honored and blessed to have been given this sacred gift.
Be at peace my friend and feel the LOVE energy your amazing son is sending you daily to help with these emotional decisions you must make.
Penny, ask Robert... Connect your hearts and ask and be still and I know you will have a sense of the direction that you need to take. I did this with my son\'s service as I had no idea of what to do so I asked him. The place and thought was HIS because I never would have imagined it where he let me know it should be. The chapel at his church camp that he so dearly loved in the mountains by our home. Because I asked Douglas he helped me with this decision when I didn\'t even know if I was coming or going.
Whatever is decided when it is done with loving kindness it will feel \"right.\" Douglas was cremated, his ashes scattered in his beloved red rock desert and his urn is tucked away in a niche overlooking his favorite camping spot, fire pit and where we scattered his ashes. We had two little urns made and one we gave to our daughter who scattered hers in Oregon in the ocean because that was what felt peaceful for her and we still have one small urn with us.
As the others have said whatever you decide it will be okay and I hope that you will ask Robert to be a part of the decision. You may be surprised as to what comes into your heart... I know I was.
Loving care as you ponder, decide and feel the most peace that you are able to around this.
XO Joanie
I had my daughter creamated. I wanted her with me. I have a room just for her with all her memories, pictures awards. Also her husbands urn is with hers. Then I feel close to her forever..It is a hard discision to make... and so hard. God bless your angel hugs and love mary ann
Such a tough issue and only you can figure out what you need. I\'m so sorry that you, your ex, and your other son all have varying ideas of what you should do. We had my son cremated and his ashes are on our mantle now. If anyone had asked me before he died what I would do with a loved one\'s ashes, I would never had said put them on the mantle -- but it gives me comfort to have him there since that\'s the room my husband and I spend the most time in and I get to light a candle next to him on dark night (of which we have many here in Alaska). But I would have thought the whole ashes on the mantle thing so cliched not having experienced this before. We spread my mom\'s ashes in the rose bushes she loved and that made sense then -- but it doesn\'t for my son. For me, I just want him with us in some way and not \"alone\" even though I recognize this is really for me, not for him, now. If you have any of the same feelings in terms of needing to have him close with you, maybe as long as you have some of his ashes with you, it wouldn\'t be so bad to think of some in a plot or spread in the area he loved if that gives your ex some kind of peace also? I\'m not suggesting at all that this is the right thing for you because it is so very personal. Good luck with such difficult decisions.
Life questions are hard but what to do with death is even harder. My father was cremated and buried on top of Mons plot. My son was cremated we have two urns one large one is with me, a small one is with his son. We have talked about spreading Mikes ashes in the water in the Keys because he loved to fish there. I would only spread a few in the water, because like others I like the idea on him close to me. I am at a loss of what to say. Maybe given more time everyone will calm down and all can think clearly. It has been 5 years since Mike passed it is at this point I can think clearer. I do believe time is a key factor as well as the heart.
Hugs Penny
I\'ve been talking with my ex-husbands sister. I do know now that the grandparents do have plots somewhere else and neither she, nor his other brother, wish to be buried there. I\'m going to talk to my daughter and see what she has to say about it. I guess I\'ve put it off because it always seems like everyone gangs up on me and tells me I\'m always causing problems. My ex had a drug problem for years and always blamed it on me leaving him. It was funny because while Robert was laying there dying, the ex \'celebrated\' his 5 years of being clean from his 20 year drug addiction. I got to thinking and I was like, wait a minute, we was still together?! Robert was 25 when he passed. All these years he told the kids how it was my fault. But, at this point, I don\'t care. I think they understand now that his addiction had nothing to do with me. Anyway, I hope we do get this worked out. And thanks for all the advice and support. I prayed hard about it last night and it gives me strength having a terrific support system!
Hugs to you all.
Penny
We also had our sons cremated. When our youngest son, Chad was about 25 he said he didn\'t think he would live to be 30 yrs old. He went on to say that he would like ashes spread in the Smokey Mts near Gatlinburg. He always loved it there. When he passed away unexpectedly at the age of 26, we were suddenly confronted with his funeral. My husband, oldest son Jeremy & I were deciding the details of Chad\'s service. Suddenly it dawned on me what Chad had expressed earlier about his wishes. So we honored them. He was cremated & the majority of his ashes were spread over the Smokey Mts. A few were spread at a creek in a park near our home, where he loved to go. My husband, son Jeremy & I had pendants made through the funeral home. Jim & Jeremy\'s are called cylinders & mine is a pewter heart, they have a bit of Chad\'s ashes in them.
Then unbelievably 1 month later we were confronted with Jeremy\'s funeral. Based on our earlier discussions with Jeremy about Chad\'s service, we did the exact same thing for Jeremy, even spreading some of his ashes where Chad\'s were spread. My husband, granddaughter & I had pendants made with Jeremy\'s ashes as well. Cylinder & hearts.
I feel at peace with how our sons were laid to rest. I don\'t view it as dividing of their ashes but that they were shared.
I share my story with you only as my family\'s personal choice, because you are asking. Whether it\'s having a pendent made, spreading over his favorite place or putting in a burial plot, your heart can help you feel at peace about your sons ashes. It\'s only a matter of time and we will be reunited with our sons forever & ever. Hugs of compassion & love....Vicki