My Sisters
Hello my sisters,
First of all I want to say how much you mean to me. I am so grateful for your support.
I saw my doctor and he is trying me on Abilify, which is supposed to enhance the effect of anti-depressants. I take Effexor once a day and Xanax as needed, which, to be honest is every day as well. I know it is very addictive, but I am just going to have to worry about that later. I have to get through today to get to tomorrow. If I develop a serious addiction, when the time comes we will deal with it. We have already discussed it and he says that we will just slowly start decreasing the dosage until I can completely wean off of them.
I described some of the things I have been experiencing. One particularly painful part is that, somehow, it gets more real. I am not in denial any more, I know my daughter committed suicide, I know she is gone. But at times it's like reality punches me in the gut...seriously hard, telling me "Your baby really is gone". I scream, I cry, "I KNOW"...leave me alone. He immediately understood what I was talking about and explained it to me. In the earlier days, she was all I thought about, non-stop. Apparently now, my mind will sometimes wander to other things and if I am not thinking about her all the time, then I remember. It's sort of like what mornings are like. There is a split second, when I first wake up, of sweet ignorance. It doesn't last long. I remember...and it hurts. This is basically the same thing. Instead of sleep distracting me, other things catch my eye, occupy my mind for short periods of time...then I remember.
So, it's completely normal, if any of this can be called normal. It's not that reality is trying to kill me, it's that I take short breaks from the reality of my daughters suicide and when those breaks end, it just hurts. I suppose that by thinking of other things sometimes, being so engrossed in other things, is part of the process.
I understand there is no pill, no therapy, no anything that will give me what I want the most, what would make me happy, my daughter back. I do hope this medication will give me a little more balance, keep my moods more stable, so that I can more effectively navigate this journey, this nightmare.
Again, I want to thank you so much for your support. When checking my e-mail, it makes me happy to see notifications from Daily Strength...honest to goodness happiness. Thank You.
First of all I want to say how much you mean to me. I am so grateful for your support.
I saw my doctor and he is trying me on Abilify, which is supposed to enhance the effect of anti-depressants. I take Effexor once a day and Xanax as needed, which, to be honest is every day as well. I know it is very addictive, but I am just going to have to worry about that later. I have to get through today to get to tomorrow. If I develop a serious addiction, when the time comes we will deal with it. We have already discussed it and he says that we will just slowly start decreasing the dosage until I can completely wean off of them.
I described some of the things I have been experiencing. One particularly painful part is that, somehow, it gets more real. I am not in denial any more, I know my daughter committed suicide, I know she is gone. But at times it's like reality punches me in the gut...seriously hard, telling me "Your baby really is gone". I scream, I cry, "I KNOW"...leave me alone. He immediately understood what I was talking about and explained it to me. In the earlier days, she was all I thought about, non-stop. Apparently now, my mind will sometimes wander to other things and if I am not thinking about her all the time, then I remember. It's sort of like what mornings are like. There is a split second, when I first wake up, of sweet ignorance. It doesn't last long. I remember...and it hurts. This is basically the same thing. Instead of sleep distracting me, other things catch my eye, occupy my mind for short periods of time...then I remember.
So, it's completely normal, if any of this can be called normal. It's not that reality is trying to kill me, it's that I take short breaks from the reality of my daughters suicide and when those breaks end, it just hurts. I suppose that by thinking of other things sometimes, being so engrossed in other things, is part of the process.
I understand there is no pill, no therapy, no anything that will give me what I want the most, what would make me happy, my daughter back. I do hope this medication will give me a little more balance, keep my moods more stable, so that I can more effectively navigate this journey, this nightmare.
Again, I want to thank you so much for your support. When checking my e-mail, it makes me happy to see notifications from Daily Strength...honest to goodness happiness. Thank You.
Replies
You are absolutely correct in your assessment of the torment you are experiencing. Don\'t worry about Xanax. I was prescribed .5MG 3X daily, never took it that way (it affects short term memory if you do that). I split one in half when the pain became unbearable and, in about 20 minutes, got relief. I now usually take it only at bedtime .5MG. At times, even now, I need to take one during the day. That\'s okay. You will not get addicted.
I\'ve never taken Abilify. You need to read the \"black label\" on this drug and monitor your reactions. I\'m sure you PDoc told you this. In the first year, I was taking Remeron (1/2 of a 15MG pill at bedtime) along with the Prozac and the Xanax. Remeron worked very well to enhance the effects of the Prozac but it was HELL to get off that drug, even though I took only 1/2 the lowest prescribed dose. I discovered that there are actual rehab clinics to help people get off Remeron! I doubt that\'s the case with Abilify. You have more than enough time ahead of you and right now you need all the help you can get.
The gut punch is what I remember most: it was random, and it was continuous (daily) for a long time. It incapacitated me. Without the Xanax (I carried it in my backpack) I would not have survived. It is getting \"more real\" and it will continue to do that. You must keep in mind that there are others here who lost daughters to the same exact manner of death, and are surviving. You will survive. This will not be easy. You will come \"out\" the \"other end\" another woman. I\'m still becoming that \"other\" woman, three years and 24 days later.
I was about to type \"never lose hope\" but of course that is totally stupid. HOPE????? WHAT hope??? But there will be some. It will be different for you than for me, but it will be there. God will not leave you without His grace, comfort and strength, and He doesn\'t need you to believe that in order to do it for you. You are in my prayers every day sister.
Oh my, you brought me back those first few months, when I thought of nothing (and I mean nothing) except my son....to the point that I thought I would surely lose my mind. Every waking moment it was there! Then, the brief periods of thinking of something else, followed by the reality again and later on, guilt that I could actually think of something else! It is the worst roller coaster ride ever, for sure! It has been over five years for me now and I have gotten off that roller coaster. It does not \"slam\" me any more....it is with me always now and a part of me. My son did not intentionally kill himself, but he did it himself, nonetheless. I hope your meds work and interact to help you.
Peace.
I don\'t worry about getting addicted to Xanax or my other anxiety meds I was on before the night I lost my son. To me it is a part of life. I can\'t exist without it and exist I must. I have a 14 year old daughter depending on me. So I will do what it takes to do exist for her. I understand the nightmare feeling. 7 months in and one thing. A smell, looking at my daughter or a commercial can produce a punch in my gut that takes my breathe away. We are in the right place to get help to get through this. Love and hugs.
\"somehow it gets more real\"...... Yep. And that\'s when the hardest work of all begins. I think that\'s why the 6 month through year 2 mark is SO hard. We\'ve come out of the shell shocked numbness we were cocooned in and have to figure out just HOW we\'re going to LIVE. At least, this was my experience.
I \"played the game\" that Kala had gone away to college like her friends...or was on some exotic vacation for a while. Sure, certainly knowing I was lying to myself, but those early lies were necessary. Slowly I began allowing myself to SEE the truth....Kala was not coming home again. There would be no hugs at the door as she bounced in the house saying \"Hi mom, I\'m home\".
I took my meds, followed my doctors advice, which was to walk in the sunshine as much as possible, and kept logging on to DS day after day sharing each painful, and triumphant, step I took toward my healing.
The mind wandering to other things is the normal progression...although it can often leave us feeling guilty. We are not designed to live in acute, intense grief for the rest of our lives. It has NOTHING to do with how much we love and ache for our children....it just means we are human and as such our minds and bodies are made for survival.
I know you are hurting terribly. I also know you are healing and finding yourself and your life. Just keep taking those HUGE baby steps and remember to exhale deeply and purposely each day.
Much love and tight heart hugs~~
Gina, the first months are excruciating. I took Ativan the first year and when I was ready to give it up I knew it. I still take Zoloft and may need to the rest of my life. And its ok...it is what it is.
Eddie left for Heaven four and a half years ago. At this point the pain is bearable. The pain will lighten for you too..I promise. It will become managable.
Take it one day (even one hour) at a time. Eat as healthfully as you can, try to get a bit of fresh air daily, stay hydrated. This grief process takes so much out of you so try to do the self care you can. I walked and walked after Eddie died. It helped to dissipate some of the negative energy. I would stop and pet & kiss any dog that the owners allowed me to pet. The dogs acceptance of me in the state I was in was healing for me. I also watched a lot of silly tv to take over my thoughts for a bit. Coming here helped. I was like you. The response from the other moms gave me such support and hope. And hundreds of times a day I asked God to tell Ed I loved him.
You are doing as well as you can. I am proud of you for writing and coming here.
Tight hugs of understanding, Linda, Ed\'s mom
You are walking this path as an individual and in the collective heart beat of each of us who must find our own way. It is as unique as we are so making these adjustments along the way and finding the tools that help to make it bearable is what one must do. Way to go for taking care of yourself and your needs as this takes energy and thought.
For me, trying to begin a simple routine of getting out of bed, putting on clothes and moving my body in some way helped so much. If I added in a shower, brushing my teeth and washing some clothes or emptying the dishwasher then that was a very \"good day.\" You are trying to rebuild your life with what you have and I remember feeling as if I was walking through cement wearing steel toed boots. Everything, even the smallest of events took SO much out of me and it was hard to not feel defeated. The moms here reminded me to just keep breathing and taking those inch worm steps as one of our moms calls them. Mine were not even baby steps and inch worm fits it for me.
Loving care to you each and every moment dear Gina and SO much compassion and understanding for how you are trying to help yourself during this raw and pain filled time.
XO Joanie
As once told to me, the early days we\'re in a fog, a fog of protection and little by little the fog clears and allows us slowly to feel the reality. Keep breathing through the fog, let your mind wander when it can, because the pain can still floor me, 7 1/2 years after losing my Matthew. Sending tight hugs to you wishing we could cry together! Hugs and love! Lynette
I have often said this pain of losing a child is \"gut wrenching\". It is a pain that I didn\'t even know it existed and one could live through it! It has only been 4 months since my daughter died and I feel like I am so emotionally unstable that how could I possibly help another but I will try. I understand your pain, the effort it takes to even go to the bathroom, looking outside and wanting the world to STOP, wanting people to STOP living their life because my life had STOPPED the day my daughter died. But life does continue, you found this group of amazing women to hold your hand & heart and walk beside you every moment - I am praying for you this moment; having hope that these sisters of the heart are living their life, changed forever, and WE too will take baby steps on this journey. Wish I was there to cry with you and hug you and we could share stories about our beautiful daughters. Just know I am sending ((hugs)) and so much love,. Vicki
Gina, I am so proud of you for getting the care that you need and deserve, not everyone does that. Each day is new and different... some more difficult than other but each provides us with the chance to get stronger and healthier.
Each mom had described how they have felt during their deepest darkest moments and in away we have each shared those feelings and emotions.
Stay strong, do what is possible and the rest will come when you are able to tackle them.
Sending hugs and love for comfort and strength, Vera