My Sincere Thanks
I just read through the first two months of journal entries I wrote. I was a fucking MESS! I'm so glad I came here. I've learned so much. I actually love myself. I've found happiness. I understand now that happiness is a choice and that is the best thing that has every happened to me. I used to do things with the end goal in mind- which isn't a bad thing- but what I realize is that I was so married to the outcome that I didnt take the time to really live. The path from A to B is filled with so many things- so much happiness, love, fear, anger- emotions- positive and negative- but all of that shit- that's our lives. The in between. That's our lives. So now if I find happiness for 30 seconds I celebrate that joy- b/c joy is meant to be celebrated. I might feel like shit in 5 minutes- maybe even 1 minute. But none of that misery will take away those 30 seconds of joy. I realize that emotions and life experiences are not measured on a balancing scale (like the justice scale). I really believe that's how I saw life- like all the good had to outweigh all the bad. Like I was living for my judgment day- the day when someone would add it all up. Bad on one side, good on the other- and see where I stacked up. If I had more good then bad I win. Well maybe that's not so crazy- the concept of having more good then bad as winning- but even though the thought that my good experiences were supposed to erase the bad might not have been so crazy- the counterthought- which I placed WAY more of my energy into believing- was that the amount of bad I experienced somehow erased all the good. That's fucking insane. Yet it has been my core belief for as long as I could remember. Subconscious as it was- it was always there with me- like a disease. Eating away at my soul- little by little- til I was a shell of my former self. Until I couldn't even stand to look in the mirror.
And I mentioned I'm broke. There's a reason for that. God knows me. He knows my heart. He knows that if I were to come out of law school gettng a job making 50k then I would have never faced all of this shit- maybe I would have eventually- but I could have lost years. B/c even though I graduated law school with honors- my life was absolute shit at that point. My potential career was literally the only thing positive I had in my life. That's what made me turn my life around. I've dreamed of becoming a lawyer since I was 5. It was supposed to be the answer to my life. It was supposed to fix everything. That's why I gave up so much to get it- b/c it was supposed to be my answer. So then I got it. And my life still sucked. In fact it sucked worse! B/c I had to move home and to me- that was the biggest failure of all- that was hell on earth. But not being able to get up in the morning, feeling like life was not worth living- all That sparked the path that brought me here.
I was reading the comments on my journals from my friends on this site. So to all my daily strength friends- From the bottom of my heart I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! I needed someone to tell me they've been where I was and that there is a way out. I needed that more than words can ever say. I wouldn't be here without it. I didn't do this on my own. I asked for help for the first time and something beautiful happened that never happened to me before- people truly helped me. God bless you all and thank you so much.
To anyone reading this right now that is besides themselves and who feels like happiness is a unicorn and that love is something that everyone else deserves besides you- I know where you are. I used to believe that too. (if you don't believe me read some of my journals!) But the truth is there are amazing people in this world that actually WANT to help you find peace and love for yourself. I won't say my road had been easy and I won't say that its over by any means. I'm just taking a minute to express my thanks to God for everyone in my life that has touched and helped me. My cup runneth over.
And I mentioned I'm broke. There's a reason for that. God knows me. He knows my heart. He knows that if I were to come out of law school gettng a job making 50k then I would have never faced all of this shit- maybe I would have eventually- but I could have lost years. B/c even though I graduated law school with honors- my life was absolute shit at that point. My potential career was literally the only thing positive I had in my life. That's what made me turn my life around. I've dreamed of becoming a lawyer since I was 5. It was supposed to be the answer to my life. It was supposed to fix everything. That's why I gave up so much to get it- b/c it was supposed to be my answer. So then I got it. And my life still sucked. In fact it sucked worse! B/c I had to move home and to me- that was the biggest failure of all- that was hell on earth. But not being able to get up in the morning, feeling like life was not worth living- all That sparked the path that brought me here.
I was reading the comments on my journals from my friends on this site. So to all my daily strength friends- From the bottom of my heart I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! I needed someone to tell me they've been where I was and that there is a way out. I needed that more than words can ever say. I wouldn't be here without it. I didn't do this on my own. I asked for help for the first time and something beautiful happened that never happened to me before- people truly helped me. God bless you all and thank you so much.
To anyone reading this right now that is besides themselves and who feels like happiness is a unicorn and that love is something that everyone else deserves besides you- I know where you are. I used to believe that too. (if you don't believe me read some of my journals!) But the truth is there are amazing people in this world that actually WANT to help you find peace and love for yourself. I won't say my road had been easy and I won't say that its over by any means. I'm just taking a minute to express my thanks to God for everyone in my life that has touched and helped me. My cup runneth over.
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