My relapse
The fog is starting to lift, a little bit. I am not thinking of, the drive in the direction to the casino, Saturday, as I was out looking at properties, and on my way home, I veered towards the freeway that took me to the casino, without much thought, other than, I was going. I ended up staying for two days, losing all of my money, and self respect. I came home to text messages and emails from my mom and my brother, who proceeded to tell me what a terrible person I was, calling me an old hag, selfish, a junkie, and told me to go back to the casino and die. My sister and my daughter, although disappointed, have stood by me, with love. That combined with the relapse was just about more than I could emotionally withstand.
So, I am trying to put the emotions aside, the drama of the aftermath. Deal with the reason I went, what happened? I was doing so well, and then it just "clicked." I know this addiction is powerful, but I thought I had the safeguards in place, I know I want to be in recovery, I know I don't want to do this anymore. The day prior, my roommate had asked me to play cards with him, and I did, I didn't play for money, but I did play with him, I do believe it was a trigger, I had somehow convinced myself it was okay? I don't remember the timeline, I know I drove to one casino, and stayed for a day and a half, I came home, changed my clothes and drove to two other casinos, and finally left to go home early Monday morning. Its a blur, I know this takes me to a different place, and when I say I was in a trance, that is true, its a trance, I lose myself, I have no concept for time, people, responsibility, nothing.
I'm a grown woman, I don't live with my family members, I have my own home, but, they have a huge impact on me, when I was called the names I was called, I was beyond hurt, I wanted to scream and say, I am an ADDICT. This is not by choice, but the other part of me felt I deserved it, so I allowed it to happen, until late yesterday when I decided to block the calls and messages, I just can't handle it right now, as selfish as it sounds.
I'm sad, I'm heart broken, and I'm tired. But, my relapse is just that, a relapse, I am back in recovery, with a lot of work ahead of me, emotionally and financially.
I am starting over with a new recovery date, today is day 3.
So, I am trying to put the emotions aside, the drama of the aftermath. Deal with the reason I went, what happened? I was doing so well, and then it just "clicked." I know this addiction is powerful, but I thought I had the safeguards in place, I know I want to be in recovery, I know I don't want to do this anymore. The day prior, my roommate had asked me to play cards with him, and I did, I didn't play for money, but I did play with him, I do believe it was a trigger, I had somehow convinced myself it was okay? I don't remember the timeline, I know I drove to one casino, and stayed for a day and a half, I came home, changed my clothes and drove to two other casinos, and finally left to go home early Monday morning. Its a blur, I know this takes me to a different place, and when I say I was in a trance, that is true, its a trance, I lose myself, I have no concept for time, people, responsibility, nothing.
I'm a grown woman, I don't live with my family members, I have my own home, but, they have a huge impact on me, when I was called the names I was called, I was beyond hurt, I wanted to scream and say, I am an ADDICT. This is not by choice, but the other part of me felt I deserved it, so I allowed it to happen, until late yesterday when I decided to block the calls and messages, I just can't handle it right now, as selfish as it sounds.
I'm sad, I'm heart broken, and I'm tired. But, my relapse is just that, a relapse, I am back in recovery, with a lot of work ahead of me, emotionally and financially.
I am starting over with a new recovery date, today is day 3.
Replies
You can do it! Addiction is a sickness, unfortunately, its different from Cancer or other terrible disease, people don\'t see us bleed or loose our hair so they think we just being selfish by not stopping... Hun, you sick and you taking your drugs by coming to this site, we can contain this disease by helping each other and going to counselling.... After 2 weeks, I gambled today, I felt sick to my stomach even though I gambled with just $50 my friend gave me, that is a start I guess, the feeling of guilt... Hang in there, lets beat this thing. I wont gamble today!