my rambling throughts

One week into my recovery, I self excluded yesterday from two of the main casinos I would go to, and although I have no urge, when I went into the last casino, to self exclude yesterday, I got very emotional, on the inside, I didn't want the security or the casino manager see me falling apart inside.
I wasn't falling apart inside because I was sad I was banning myself from the casinos, I was only wishing I had done it sooner.   My daughter came with me, and she was so supportive, I don't believe I could have walked into either places without placing a "one last time" bet, if she hadn't come with me.
This addiction makes me question everything about myself.  Although I know its an addiction, I wonder if there is something more wrong with me? Not that the addiction isn't enough, but what else is going on with me?  I hate digging too deep, or turning up old issues, but this time around, I think its important for my recovery to look at myself, my life, my hurt, my love, without making it too complicated?  I do love my life, but I come from a very, very dysfunctional background, family life.  I never really dealt with it because I didn't have time, I was always on the go, always trying to fix things, always moving forward and being the strong one as they called me.
Maybe, slowly I will be able to figure it out, or, maybe I can just be honest and finally say, yes, my past hurt me, it almost crippled me.  It was abusive, it was sad, it was painful.  Today, I have a better life, I don't need to run away, I don't need to escape to a different place, gamble for days and then beat myself up for it.
Today, a week into my recovery, I get to enjoy the sunshine, and although I am still upset about my relapse, I am grateful I have today, GF, and waking up feeling better than I did a week ago. This is a one day at a time recovery for me.  Meetings, steps and pure honesty is what I need, I know it, I know what I need, now, I am going to do it.
Rambling I know, my soul is healing.
xoxoxox