My Professor! :/

My professor is like this perfect ball of happiness. I call her a panda because she's so light and positive all the time. She is this gorgeous stunning woman on the outside with a mysterious quality about her. For the purpose of security, her name is now Rexy. Anyway, she and I had a falling out at the beginning of the term due to a mix of past, alcohol, and new pills. While she's still on a constant panda sunshine high, she's treating me so so so differently now. I can't put my finger on it. Either someone lit a huge fire under her ass and still is, she hates me, she wants revenge, or she legitimately just doesn't give a flying fuck. She's acting concerned about my lack of action over a brain tumor but on the same token it doesn't make sense. In real time, she's never going to see/ talk to me outside of college or after this semester to be honest. I'm just a faded out face in an ocean of students she's had over the years. I guarantee she can't even remember half of them. The other day when I was on grounds I waited for her to get back to her office for 45 minutes. Only a small portion of that was expected wait time. Yet she didn't show up, but her car was still in the lot so I went looking for her. She should have been done for the day regardless of what day it is. I ended up finding her in a computer lab and QUIETLY stuck my head in the door and here she jumped down my throat. She embarrasses me by making this loud statement which broke up the silence in the room and causes everyone to shoot a glare at me. Barely anyone knew that I was there until she did that. What's worse is that she ends up coming out the door to try to say stuff to me and I swear on everything, my heart was beating so fast and I was going into a panic attack. She's NEVER embarrassed me or jumped down my throat before. I didn't know (still don't know) how to even react at that point so I walked away. The thing is that I'm not mad, angry, or anything. I'm really hurt by it. Then to add salt and acid to my wounds, she ended up reporting me the next morning and pinning my back against the wall by forcing the councilor (who is never really helpful), which caught my PTSD off guard. It feels closest to revenge and hate. It's pathetic, I know, but when you have no one (physical being) and have lost the rest of your love to death, how do you feel when your being written off again? She knows how I feel. She knows I trust her more than I should (yet have never regretted it like she does me). I asked her once upon a time if I could really trust her. I'm beginning to think she's lied straight to my face about it. I'm always honest with her even when I don't want to be.. but now I feel like I have to be robotic, still, and withdrawn. That means that I have to start lying to her. Rexy: "How are you?" My Lie: "I'M GREAT!" Reality: ("I slit my waist until the pain caused me to pass out"). I have to admit, I thought I might have actually found a true abstract friend after all this time. Turns out that I really am nothing to the living world. This is my fault though. I knew better than to really trust anyone but I gave myself permission to. She doesn't understand how much worse the councilor makes me feel but I'll lie and say everything is fine if it makes them feel satisfied within themselves. As for me, I'm feeling...

Defeated - Pain - Hurt - Numb - Forced - Nothing - Trapped