My place in this life.....
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about who I am now, and my "place" in this life. I used to be Colleen's mommy and caregiver, and the two of us were such a strong team! But now it is just me, drifting to wherever life takes me. I am still working, and I am very grateful for it. It helps me to get through each long day. At least now I get up because I have a job to do, otherwise I wouldn't get up at all.
The elderly lady where I work, told me to start writing again, so that I can sort through my emotions, and finally can start to heal inside. So I sat down at my computer, and started to write a letter to my precious Colleen. I got as far as the third paragraph, then I had to stop, because it was just too much!! I cried. I am hurting more now than before I started to write that letter. Maybe it is a good thing, I don't know. But what difference will it make anyway?
I often read Facebook posts that tell us to be happy or grateful that we woke up this morning. Well, I do not feel happy or grateful ........... I rather feel "Really??? Another day??? Haven't I had enough yet???"
I just needed to vent here.
Replies
I would like to hold your hand, to say it's ok, it is only in the natural order of things that you will hurt and miss your Colleen.
I posted something in the Daily Positive Thoughts group that is just right for you. Maybe you could take time to read it.
You make a difference ny being there.
Sending you warm hugs to soften your pain.
I really believe the pain you are feeling after writing the letter was there the whole time, just not expressed. I know it hurts and it is scary to delve into that pain, but it's there and if we don't cry and express it, it will just get pushed further down and fester then be worse than ever when it does come out, and it has to come out. I totally agree with what you say about those "Be grateful for today" posts...my gratitude is at the end of the day when I know I am one day closer to the time when I will be with my child again.
I too argue with the posts on fb about being grateful, happy, thankful. I am no where near that and don't know if I ever will be. The posts that say how god has a plan just about send me over the edge and only anger me. I'm not a believer in the first place.
But I do like what the lady suggested. Yes, you'll hurt more writing but allowing that hurt to surface is not a bad thing. I too was told to write. So far my journal to Jason is 97 pages long. I cried, I screamed, I got really really angry and at 3 years, and 3 days short of 7 months since Jason died I notice that my journal has changed and that's ok. I think it's a process and acknowledging our emotions is a lot healthier than swallowing them.
Tightest of hugs my friend, hand in hand...
Merrilee
Writing does release emotions, like Gina said, have been there all along - they are now just down on paper. There is healing in that but for me, it takes awhile because those words I wrote and feel swirl around in my head. It takes courage to walk this journey and keep going. My emotions change on a daily basis, sometimes minute by minute and those emotions fuel my feelings of being grateful or NOT. Again, it's a difficult journey. I don't believe there is a right or wrong - it's what you need to do for you to survive every day.
I struggle with my identity now that Jennifer is not on this earth - What do I do now? I don't feel like a mom - my one & only is gone - I still feel lost on some days....Who am I? You are doing what you can for now.....I understand and am with you, heart to heart. (((hugs))) Vicki
You got to the third paragraph and that takes courage. Perhaps that's as far as you need to go for now dearest friend.
Be gentle with yourself and however you feel is what is needed for that moment and as the others have said there is no right or wrong way to feel or to navigate. Just BE and that's enough, more than enough always.
With you, caring and understanding in only the way that another mother can. This is not what any of would wish on our worst enemy, is it??!! Deepest of sighs...
Loving care and the tightest of heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Sometimes when I write I have to stop too. I becomes overwhelmingly sad. It's ok...feel what you need to feel. When you're ready to write then write. If its too distressing to you, let it go. There is no right or wrong to how you grieve and feel.
Over time I feel it is possible to begin to feel hopeful and grateful again. But when you feel raw and in such emotional pain it is hard to practice gratitude. Over time and with healing that may be possible again one day. Love to you and dearest Colleen, Linda.