My place in the world

It's bitter sweet, but I am here with my parents. Initially when I got here I was feeling like an alien and without a sense of grounding around them. I sometimes just have no ability to keep things in perspective of me amongst others. I talked about it with my parents in a confessional kind of way - to mentally 'check in' with them and they encouraged me by saying it's not out of the ordinary to feel odd at times. But again after we spoke I just continued to feel like an alien. It's frustrating. I started to think negatively and with a melancholy. I thought of myself as someone who won't ever have the stabile financial and stabile married life that they have and perhaps right now even though it's a sad realization just knowing a reality, any reality, of my place in the world is helping me relax a little bit, by helping me feel some kind of place and acceptance. It may sound like a paradox but knowing myself at last gives the bittersweet reassurance of what's to come - that I am this kind of person - or perhaps what is -

that I am kind of sidelined from the mainstream. So I just kept trying to find some peace, trying to keep positive and with a sense of perspective around them. Sometimes all that alludes me as I said. But I guess right now I just need to continue to calm myself and see myself for the person I am. My therapist said to me last Friday that we're all compensating for something. And that really affirms and encourages me too. I don't know why I am seeing the glass half empty or with a gloomy sense of things. But maybe I just want a life like my parents. Maybe stability will come in some form. Maybe some day. 

Maybe it's human nature to want to solve the problem of a dynamic situation by creating a system in or heads. So, maybe I'm looking for a final solution or maybe any or 'a' solution. I wonder if 'the monastery' indeed is a dynamic I could decide on and handle.

Gosh it's been so long since I've been in couplehood. Anyways, these are things on my mind right now. I'm back home right now. I'll write more... as usual :) ..tomorrow. I finally found a sense of peace with my folks and I guess once that transition was complete it was just about the time that I make my way home and so I did.