My path . .... deviations on the road to success...
I know that the road to success has its deviations... success is not a straight line. I am telling myself all of these things because once again, though I have all of the right answers and thoughts about what I want to accomplish here re: my gambling, I deviated from the path of success today. I have a friend who is leaving for Israel to be with her husband; I am going to miss her a great deal and she & I used to go to casinos together; we are very close. Anyway, I found myself in the casino environment again and couldn't seem to refrain from playing some machines... I did NOT refuse the invitation (in my mind I rationalized it because she is a dear friend and I'm emotionally attached and will really miss her when she leaves) I went up and down numerous times but of course ended up walking out without money. Somehow I am still going on the premise that I can control myself and relatively speaking, I can. (like I don't spend the mortgage payment or drain my bank accounts), etc. but I still know it is wrong and bad for me. I found myself trying to force the machine to pay what I needed. I thought if it did, I could justify myself being there. especially if I could walk away with a big payout. Nevertheless, I felt like my attempts were futile and I was once again caught up in this merry-go-round. I did not want to ruin the event so I kept a happy face, even though I was ashamed of myself for giving in. When will the path be smooth? When will I be able to stay straight on it? There's a big part of me that wants to; however, there must be a part of me that doesn't really want to stay away. It is soooo confusing to me internally. I know it is right to refrain. The only thing I can do is start again. Thanks for any input. I have all the answers for everyone except me! I wimped out.S.G.
Replies
Ahhh....I had to start over so many times....for many reasons.....this was the \"together thing\" my bf and I did....didn\'t want to disappoint him or stay home while he gambled....and I, like you, didn\'t miss my basic bill payments...except for the IRS that is!!!! On the surface, things looked OK for me...underneath, I was afraid and ashamed and robbing Peter to pay Paul....
I woke up one day and realized I had spent many thousands gambling....that could have paid off my debts...and put me on the road to a secure retirement.
I had an \"illustion\" of control....I only took one debit card to the casino, a set amount of cash....never gambled away my money to keep my business running....but once I started...I couldn\'t stop...if I happened to leave with money one day, I would be back again and again until it was gone. I realized I was wasting away my life, my money, all the fruits of my labor...chained to those machines again and again.
Just one thing....never ever give up. Begin again as many times as it takes! Your friends are here to lend support...walking beside you on this journey....
Hugs, Dianne
Your right - start again - day 1 here you come.
We stop gambling when we really want to stop gambling - all of a sudden enough is enough - if you are given the invitation to gamble - are thinking about it - decide to do it - then ok - the consequences are that you are once again gambling.
Controlled or not.
For me I cannot do controlled gambling - I may be ok one day and only spend a little but the next day I could be back and for sure I would be back in the cycle of addiction.
I can\'t just cut down on gambling or think of deviating - I have to work on recovery every day.
I have been where you are today - no judging here. You can start again and never ever give up on giving up.
Hugs Suzi
I too have had more times of beginning again than I ever thought possible. When I attended GA I had resentments towards those who came into GA and never had a relapse. My path, like yours, has not been a straight one. However, since coming into internet recovery, I have seen that those who are able to stay on a straight and narrow path from the beginning of recovery. Many of us have had one or more relapse that with the help of our fellow addicts here, have come to be learning experiences along our path. I have come to believe that no two recoveries will look the same, just as no two addicts are the same even though our stories are. I think the important thing to take away from this is, as Dianne has said, is to never give up. A respected friend in recovery puts it this way...Never stop trying to stop.
Hugs, Julie
Thank you to everyone - right now I can\'t sleep thinking about things, but I know that I will get through this, yet again.
On to a new day...
Hugs to each of you!
Smokeygirl
I don\'t know when or if it will get easy, I\'ve slipped so many times myself, your back now, one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble
Day 1 - I DID NOT GAMBLE!!! (I was somewhat tempted to go back and win back what I lost, but we all know that never works! :])
On to Day 2
Smokeygirl
Day 2 - DID NOT GAMBLE!! Predictable pattern, though. After relapsing, I\'m pretty disgusted with the whole thing... I told my husband how disgusted I was with the slot machines; I\'ve always had the feeling that I would win big (like every gambler probably does.. anyway, my husband told me he hopes I get even MORE DISGUSTED with it so I won\'t dream of going. I know he can help me beat this; I just have to be really open about it.... I haven\'t shared this site with him; I always hope that by doing the right things like reading, journaling, and NOT gambling, things will settle themselves down. I do know I will have to fight this monster for the REST OF MY LIFE!
On to Day 3...
Day 3 - free and clear!!! I feel safe again... Whew!
Today is Day 5 - had opportunity to escape to the dark side but found other much more enjoyable things to do. I\'m safe and sound.
On a positive track again... For today I will not GAMBLE!