My Own Worst Enemy

My mind feels broken. Like the shattered glass top of a table that has fallen to the floor. You try and gather up the pieces to fit them back in place like a puzzle but you can't solve it. All of these fragmented pieces make you're thinking process a little backwards. You do things backwards. You forget everything like what day it is what month it is upcoming dates and appointments, your job. It's not easily fixed with medication and the headaches are pronounced, like sharp pains in your head. I used to think my normal was bad. Now I wish I could get my normal back, but I've lost my way back.  The more I try to figure it out, the more my head hurts. I don't know how else to describe this. This episode is the worst I have ever felt and the depression is rock bottom, not even hopeless anymore, I just don't care. To be hopeless would mean you had some hope. I don't feel that anymore.  Being in this group has confirmed my worst fear, this is part of me, the ugly side of me that has always been and will forever be me. How do you work and provide for your family with this? It's inconsistent, and so will every aspect of my life be. Not a thing makes sense anymore. It doesn't make sense to cry. It doesn't make sense to be angry. I just exist. Like a piece of furniture. I'm just here. Why have ambition or motivation anymore when you know with what progress you make, it will be undone when you come undone again. How much longer will your husband tolerate this? No one else understands. I don't understand. My kids do not understand. They just see how sad I am. They see how frustrated I am. My mind has slowed down and my words they slur. You would think I was doped up, but I'm not. I lack direction and aspiration. When will I get that fire back in my soul, and if I do, will it be mania that makes me crash again? It only lasts for so long. That fire can move mountains and is unstoppable, except by me and only me. I'm my own worst enemy.