my own brand of crazy

we may communicate in iconography - symbols - words- philosophies - and aesethtics - high concept slogans - but we are not

perfect vehicles for these kinds of mental geometries. we each have our own brand of human beingness and wonderful animal

natures. :) Thank goodness. I have my own brand of crazy but I have a rational side too - rational enough to love and care, to manage and create,

and serve and survive!...and yes I still do aspire!!I don't really know what I hoped to achieve by writing this.

Was it a hope at a shared experience? Or was it sense of joy and pride at feeling like the day ended well?

I'm finding just the unexplainable joy in accepting that each of us is a little crazy at times. The human experience

is kind of crazy - but I am finding what is important to me - and my sense of mission in life which I find is

a real treasure for me inside. I have my own little corner of the world here and I just wanted to share a happy beautiful experience. It's helping me feel acceptance and peace like I just mentioned. 

I was on my bed and I looked at Blue tonight - and I looked past symbol of him as 'cat' and then looked past my emotions of hoping that I would be something for him - also looking past the hoping

for some kind of reaction that would tell me to rest at ease - I let all that go - and I just looked at HIM

in order to see what he was thinking. Not looking for a perfect creature in him either - neither of us is perfect - just looking at him as another being.

It really turned into and was a nice connection - he jumped into bed and came right up to me.

And this just inspired me to assess (look back at ) what I experienced today from the perspective of what I know now. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve here, again, by sharing this but I guess I just really feel influenced by the contrast of my emotional life being about a fluid or flux state of being and not rules and yet also my inevitable habit of thinking in terms of a pretty picture with others or things I come into contact with and the disruption I inevitably feel. The two sides to the habit don't always go together.

I thought to look back to see if the same things and themes were pushing me along earlier that I am aware of now. For looking

past the iconography - in myself and others - and taking joy and appreciation in the common imperfect human experience :).

As I started to read what I wrote I realized that gosh I can get so disjointed in my writing my thoughts

with the aim for looking for those objectivities or observations but I won't drill down this way. I need to keep on top

of the emotional reality rather than go off into the twigs of theory or philosophy or wisdom.

Those kinds of thoughts are are created, so that,they would help me understand and manage life and feel affirmed. Ultimately

it's the  expression of them that manifests a paradox as the emotions I spin about are inevitably a fluid experience and emotions are not rules, shapes or theory....

Again maybe this all, my mental health journey, has been an odyssey inspired from my yearning to grasp at shapes and forms that edify, fortify and affirm

the rollercoaster of my feelings as I transition from one person to another - from one group to another

from one task to another. But it was a mental wrong turn for sure!

I'll preface this look back  -

with the detail that today I took myself out to a medical appointment at 1pm and then also took myself for an afternoon at my favorite

watering hole - it was pure indulgence - I needed the break and so I went to the Irish Pub. I had a full meal there (starter, main and dessert) and two drinks and it was awesome! I watched some 'opening to the season' baseball game

and chatted with the waiter a little bit but mostly I just relaxed.

I then came back 'in time' to serve at Great Compline and then closed

up the church when it was over and delivered the rectory meals.

This awareness now with the real emotional rollercoaster of

my transitions (and that's a white wash for really how awful it can feel)

really echoes something I learned when I came back to my reality of my monastic life.

I could relate to the 'family' here - both monastics and parishioners even better!

The transitions, which usually yield narcissistic injuries that can set me tumbling

from place to the next - from one group

to the next and from one situation to the next - were now just not so important or impactful.

I realized that today I know now I have to fight for myself and  

manage that foibles on my own, to build myself back up -and not spin -

 in the vein of being really aware of my feelings and owning the fact that I must

keep believing in myself despite the tragic woeful feelings of worthlessness after dischords..

Rewind to earlier today....and writing about my last night's experiences...

This is what I wrote:

last night i came back to my room after the day's events -