coming back to my cell and reorienting myself

I get it, the morning service went ok - got work done - I have been

sharing duties with a new "Father" who is this really sweet Syrian guy. I am

teaching him to do the services himself and

he is a pleasure to work with and though he gets snippy sometimes I know

this is just the normal impatience and natural competitive stuff that comes

out - I am there to reassure him and accept him and he even said to the Abbess

'he feels the love when he's around me and is grateful.' So nice!

Anyway this morning went along - after services I went to the coffee room where

people were telling and sharing stories about divine intervention and miracles in life.

I eventually found myself sinking into a glum hole but it was all good. So much time

devoted to the serving of others and a loss of my own mojo at times. Lingering in the

back of my mind were the family relationships I have and yet I know I have to make my own

way. I don't want to estrange them by making too much contact with my journals, thoughts and ideas.

I do miss them - and I guess I need to have a kind of core tribe of my own where I can be myself

and take care of those in my life who also want space to be themselves.

I came back to my cell and I was dealing with the conundrum and discomfort with myself over my own neediness.....

for needing to be self motivated and yet feeling so needy and like I was sinking into my body. 

I've seen that hashing it out by working here on this journal and looking back on my old journal really helps

me feel reoriented and motivated. It's pumped me up!

So as for all the things I need are a job, and in person friends and family in person or at least online

- and all that makes for a kind of system that helps keep me motivated and oriented to keeping at my life

goals and responsibilities. So that I can be able to derail a bit sometimes - but then also have a system

in place that reorients me once again to a fresh and happier or resolved perspective to get 'back on the horse', of directing

and managing my life.

I started my taxes this morning and I'm pretty pleased about that.

I want to draw a bit and then clean my floors in my cell and bathroom.

Keep on keeping on my friends, you're special!