My oldest son was shot
My oldest son, Kasiah was shot on Saturday July 5 @ 1-3am, a robbery gone bad. Thank God he is alive and doing well.
However, I cannot believe that I was going to have to bury my own child! I am tired and I am anxious as hell. I feel like I am not going through this and it is all a dream.... My mind, body and spirit could not believe what was happening to me(alone). I could not breathe, I wanted to DIE instantly like a ghost, Just leave, No I cannot live this, I am not strong enough for this moment, I cannot see him like this, this cannot be the last time I see his face, I cannot experience this, I am not this strong, I am weak, I am small and this world is closing in on me, I cannot control my body, my body will not listen to my mind, my hands are going numb, my knees does not exist, I cannot hear the words... I am not here, this is a dream... wait I was sleep... try to remember something before this, wait this is a dream I am not really living this nightmare! I have to pee, shit and vomit, my heart is pounding out of my chest, I can feel something, it's my breathing I can hear my heart in my brain. I cannot stop my hands and my thoughts are not happening anymore. I am folding over.. I am here, this is true... wait. STOP, WAIT don't talk. Just listen to my heartbeat in my brain. I cannot see, my mind is too cloudy, I cannot see. I need to go back to sleep so this wont happen, I need to go to sleep so I can change this from happening, I need to go just a few hours so this wont happen. I need to speak to him, I need to say something to him, I need to hug his skinny body, I need to tell him "I love you, be safe, eat something there's plenty of food in there." I need to hear his "Maaa" I need to hear his success, I need to hear his voice, I need him ask me for something, anything. This is not real....I am watching this happen.
One bullet, one life, One moment that I cannot get back, One son, One family, One mother's child, One Motherfucker with a gun.
However, I cannot believe that I was going to have to bury my own child! I am tired and I am anxious as hell. I feel like I am not going through this and it is all a dream.... My mind, body and spirit could not believe what was happening to me(alone). I could not breathe, I wanted to DIE instantly like a ghost, Just leave, No I cannot live this, I am not strong enough for this moment, I cannot see him like this, this cannot be the last time I see his face, I cannot experience this, I am not this strong, I am weak, I am small and this world is closing in on me, I cannot control my body, my body will not listen to my mind, my hands are going numb, my knees does not exist, I cannot hear the words... I am not here, this is a dream... wait I was sleep... try to remember something before this, wait this is a dream I am not really living this nightmare! I have to pee, shit and vomit, my heart is pounding out of my chest, I can feel something, it's my breathing I can hear my heart in my brain. I cannot stop my hands and my thoughts are not happening anymore. I am folding over.. I am here, this is true... wait. STOP, WAIT don't talk. Just listen to my heartbeat in my brain. I cannot see, my mind is too cloudy, I cannot see. I need to go back to sleep so this wont happen, I need to go to sleep so I can change this from happening, I need to go just a few hours so this wont happen. I need to speak to him, I need to say something to him, I need to hug his skinny body, I need to tell him "I love you, be safe, eat something there's plenty of food in there." I need to hear his "Maaa" I need to hear his success, I need to hear his voice, I need him ask me for something, anything. This is not real....I am watching this happen.
One bullet, one life, One moment that I cannot get back, One son, One family, One mother's child, One Motherfucker with a gun.
Replies
I am so sorry for your son, i cant imagine what you are going through.
Thank you for your kind words.
Do you know I did not tell anyone at work, because I am ashamed. I feel like I will be the token black single parent from a bad area and this is what happens to us. I don\'t know why \"I\" should feel this way but I do... I do not want the sad eyes, like with mommy sickness and death. I don\'t want to be the \"only\" person with this types of problems. I cried again in the bathroom like I did for my mother\'s sickness and death. I am a mess, but strong for the kids, again. Sorry for rambling....it is getting late. Thanks again for your kinds words.