my next goal
i know i will never accept that kind of behaviour again.
but what now? have to learn to have healthier relationships, but need to deal with this continuing anxiety. I feel like i've been shell shocked by him.
Tuesday we're in court & i was being honest, i wasnt asking for too much which i guess i could have, but just wanted to be fair & thought I'd still be nice. I left there shocked by his inability to write, read, understand english & him needing an interpreter.....hmmmm..how very very strange but ok. not sure how he managed to hide all of that for so long.
so wednesday, I step outside work after lunch time to go and have a smoke, enjoy the sunshine, so I'm smiling, listening to the birds & then i look to the street and there's Will. In his big truck with this evil grin on his face shaking his finger at me like..bad girl. I couldn't help but stare, but then i just turned around and ignored it. I mean, what the hell is he doing outside my work? The day after court? Is he going to bust up my van some more? make sure that I'll have to take the bus in the winter time? Jsut like he ruined my summer by killing my van & my nerves at the same time?
I'm so tired of dealing with him. He's such a manipulator. I can't believe I fell for it! I mean, I guess I was just used to being around people who were more honest about their feelings, good or bad that i jsut take people as we see them & that's what i did with him, but to find out it was all lies. all bs. he was bullshitting about everything, his past, his current status, everything.
so what now?
but what now? have to learn to have healthier relationships, but need to deal with this continuing anxiety. I feel like i've been shell shocked by him.
Tuesday we're in court & i was being honest, i wasnt asking for too much which i guess i could have, but just wanted to be fair & thought I'd still be nice. I left there shocked by his inability to write, read, understand english & him needing an interpreter.....hmmmm..how very very strange but ok. not sure how he managed to hide all of that for so long.
so wednesday, I step outside work after lunch time to go and have a smoke, enjoy the sunshine, so I'm smiling, listening to the birds & then i look to the street and there's Will. In his big truck with this evil grin on his face shaking his finger at me like..bad girl. I couldn't help but stare, but then i just turned around and ignored it. I mean, what the hell is he doing outside my work? The day after court? Is he going to bust up my van some more? make sure that I'll have to take the bus in the winter time? Jsut like he ruined my summer by killing my van & my nerves at the same time?
I'm so tired of dealing with him. He's such a manipulator. I can't believe I fell for it! I mean, I guess I was just used to being around people who were more honest about their feelings, good or bad that i jsut take people as we see them & that's what i did with him, but to find out it was all lies. all bs. he was bullshitting about everything, his past, his current status, everything.
so what now?
Replies
you deserve the very best.
so do I.
we will both just have to make sure that we give it to ourselves.
and when the time comes that we may start looking for someone to share our lives with, let\'s hope that we are at a point where we expect to be treated as well as we treat ourselves, not just better than the last guy treated us....
I am going to fucking spoil myself rotten/take excellent care of myself! so that the next guy who comes along, will have to deal with my the bar I raised.
neither of us should ever have to settle again!!!
arent u the smart one! so true babe! me too i feel the same. im gonna jus live n be happy as much as possible :)
Giz, I\'ve been out a pretty long time, almost 5 years. But, it was a long drawn out court battle, I had to fight for my son, my ex appealed to the Supreme Court of my state to try to keep me from getting anything, He lost....And I still am not quite done, I still have to deal with him because he still owes me money. Trust me after 5 years I am saying, \"Shouldn\'t I fucking be done?????\" I mean, who takes 5 years to finish off a divorce??
Anyway, during all that time I was never really anxious, except when my son was living with him and I couldn\'t even call my son. Now, I have a good portion of my settlement, have my son with me, have bought and moved into my own house, that I chose....am more secure than I have been in many years. But now the anxiety shows itself. I went to see someone about it, it\'s not debilitating or anything, but still it was unusual for me. I realized that all that time with him, almost 40 years, and the 5 years since, that I had buried a lot of emotions, because....if I felt them then, when I was fighting the fight, I would have been paralyzed. I couldn\'t have continued to do what had to be done...Now, I\'m safe, and safe enough to begin to allow the emotions that I had stuffed to bubble up, to honor them, so they can come up and I can be free of them.
I would guess that you are having some anxiety for the same reasons. We can\'t judge it, or try to make sense of it, we feel what we feel. We need to let ourselves feel them. It\'s work....
But not as much work as living with them was.
You know, it\'s fairly recent for you. Your path will be put in front of you....You\'ll find out what\'s next when it\'s time for you to take a step. In the meantime, yeah, do like Rachel says.....spoil yourself, be good to yourself, be happy, be joyful.....
Be FREE.
Big hugs my friend, big hugs...