My new pissy! :)
Something I've discovered since working on my new boundaries and patterns in my life....I have this new pissy! And no, it's not all bad. I'm seeing it, really, as a little more piss and vinegar!!
I just find that things I wouldn't notice or would let go or just float by in the past, make me feel a wee bit pissy these days. I'm still nice and sweet and not all things deserve to be addressed or made a big deal of, but I think it's good that I'm allowing myself to feel pissy about them, vent to those close to me and at least notice them!!
My parents (with the kids and I helping) decided to have a family gathering this 4th. My parents and I spent at least $100 on food and $100 on fireworks, plus our time etc. in setting up, making it happen and cleaning up. I talk a lot about my cousin here and we have always been closer like sisters. Some things, yes, are a little like sibling stuff, some are just differences, but some things...I've come discover, she oversteps in my opinion. So, she brings herself, her sister and all their kids (along with a girlfriend of her son) and doesn't have a dime and even asks me if I would mind picking her up some cigarettes, which I do and don't mind.
However, her son's girlfriend gave them/brought a big bag of bigger fireworks. About time to start setting off the pretty stuff, I hear my cousin talking to her sister. Her sister is telling her that we should just set them all off here because it will be after shooting curfew by the time they drive home and we already have a safe set up and good place to shoot them. Then ten minutes later, I come across my cousin's 10-year-old behind a bush opening this box of the big double balls that probably cost $50 by itself, not to mention, she is unraveling it all and I think this requires supervision. So, I mention it. And her daughter ignores me, so I mention to the group at large and my cousin ends up stopping her and getting her to sit down (due to her fit and defiance over the matter). And yes, I hate getting someone's kid in trouble...and it's not my money, but sheesh, this is something that can take a head off, I think it needs adult supervision!! Her daughter ended up sitting to the side and pouting the remainder of the evening. We finish up shooting a few big balls.
Then as they're leaving, I hear my cousin whispering to her son asking him if he let us shoot off all those big balls. I don't know, this just kinda irked me. This is my thought....if you have stuff you want to save for at your house (even though it's not really yours and you didn't purchase it) that's fine, but sort it out beforehand or don't bring it over to our display. Secondly, all this whispering weirdness about not shooting the good stuff over here is just plain ass rude. And thirdly, show a little appreciation for those that just spent money giving you a 4th celebration in the first place (especially those like me who had to pull nails to afford it in the first place)!!!!
Was it a big enough deal to call her out and cause drama at a fun 4th gathering of family, no, not really. Was it enough that the new me noticed and vented to those close to me and here, yes...it was and I will remember it the next time I'm planning a get together and being nice enough to buy a pack of cigarettes, provide food and whatever else!!
The good part is that I'm happy with the new me for seeing the crossing of my boundaries/values and I am 100% pleased that my kids showed great behavior, respect towards others and even did a great job helping with the clean up and not such good jobs afterwards without a single comment and a good attitude. I may do my best to provide them even with things I can't afford when I can, but they have manners, respect and certainly no ignoring what they are told or asked to do, pouting sessions or whining about the less fun jobs at hand!!!!
I just find that things I wouldn't notice or would let go or just float by in the past, make me feel a wee bit pissy these days. I'm still nice and sweet and not all things deserve to be addressed or made a big deal of, but I think it's good that I'm allowing myself to feel pissy about them, vent to those close to me and at least notice them!!
My parents (with the kids and I helping) decided to have a family gathering this 4th. My parents and I spent at least $100 on food and $100 on fireworks, plus our time etc. in setting up, making it happen and cleaning up. I talk a lot about my cousin here and we have always been closer like sisters. Some things, yes, are a little like sibling stuff, some are just differences, but some things...I've come discover, she oversteps in my opinion. So, she brings herself, her sister and all their kids (along with a girlfriend of her son) and doesn't have a dime and even asks me if I would mind picking her up some cigarettes, which I do and don't mind.
However, her son's girlfriend gave them/brought a big bag of bigger fireworks. About time to start setting off the pretty stuff, I hear my cousin talking to her sister. Her sister is telling her that we should just set them all off here because it will be after shooting curfew by the time they drive home and we already have a safe set up and good place to shoot them. Then ten minutes later, I come across my cousin's 10-year-old behind a bush opening this box of the big double balls that probably cost $50 by itself, not to mention, she is unraveling it all and I think this requires supervision. So, I mention it. And her daughter ignores me, so I mention to the group at large and my cousin ends up stopping her and getting her to sit down (due to her fit and defiance over the matter). And yes, I hate getting someone's kid in trouble...and it's not my money, but sheesh, this is something that can take a head off, I think it needs adult supervision!! Her daughter ended up sitting to the side and pouting the remainder of the evening. We finish up shooting a few big balls.
Then as they're leaving, I hear my cousin whispering to her son asking him if he let us shoot off all those big balls. I don't know, this just kinda irked me. This is my thought....if you have stuff you want to save for at your house (even though it's not really yours and you didn't purchase it) that's fine, but sort it out beforehand or don't bring it over to our display. Secondly, all this whispering weirdness about not shooting the good stuff over here is just plain ass rude. And thirdly, show a little appreciation for those that just spent money giving you a 4th celebration in the first place (especially those like me who had to pull nails to afford it in the first place)!!!!
Was it a big enough deal to call her out and cause drama at a fun 4th gathering of family, no, not really. Was it enough that the new me noticed and vented to those close to me and here, yes...it was and I will remember it the next time I'm planning a get together and being nice enough to buy a pack of cigarettes, provide food and whatever else!!
The good part is that I'm happy with the new me for seeing the crossing of my boundaries/values and I am 100% pleased that my kids showed great behavior, respect towards others and even did a great job helping with the clean up and not such good jobs afterwards without a single comment and a good attitude. I may do my best to provide them even with things I can't afford when I can, but they have manners, respect and certainly no ignoring what they are told or asked to do, pouting sessions or whining about the less fun jobs at hand!!!!
Replies
How do you plan on relating with your cousin now that you know she uses?
If you talked to her do you think she would be open to it or would she go off and pout like her daughter?
Certainly you are able to detect when boundaries are crossed in this event. NOW ... how do you up hold the boundaries? What is your plan?
I recently had a therapy session where this exact subject was discussed.
My therapist tells me most of the time to confront in order to establish boundaries. Right now your cousin does not know where she ends and you begin. She doesn\'t know that she has stepped on your toes. You either tell her and say NO MORE ... or you turn it into an action which would be no more invites or assigning her with something to bring to the party.
Expressing your feelings to other people is one thing in preparation for the next thing. It is not something to let role by because it will only allow it to happen again. She basically got a way with her bad behavior just as her child did.
Well, I think I might have just let this particular incident go (whether right or wrong on my part) and just not gone out on a limb again in the future (because I actually got a few day loan from another friend to make this night happen), but as I was heading to bed, I decided to answer an inquiry from a prospective dance student on FB and saw that this child had posted on FB \"That was the worst 4th of July ever\" and so, I replied, \"I\'m glad you enjoyed yourself. I will remember that the next time I spent time, money and energy to set up, cook food and clean up after you leave\"
So....I think that will probably bring the subject up for discussion come morning.
I have always been close to my cousin. I think I can talk to her honestly. She may not like it, but I think after some reflection she will be able to deal with the boundary. My boundary issues with her have been long term and she\'s not used to the \"new\" me. I think our relationship otherwise is strong enough to work through it. We have previously worked through her asking for help (money wise) and me not giving in, saying no, and not trusting her to pay me back since I\'ve worked on my changing patterns. So, I am hopeful we can work through this, as well. If not, then it will be really sad, but I can\'t do it anymore. I would be absolutely petrified if my kids acted that way in the first place and would totally freak out if they voiced such a lack of appreciation afterwards!! It was disrespectful to me initially, to herself and everyone during the pout, and then to publically not be thankful for food, family and fireworks at all and just the opposite? Yes, my kids can privately tell me they really didn\'t have fun or voice frustration or whatever, but to treat those that just fed them like that? Oh no!!
And as far as my cousin\'s whisperings about taking the \"good\" fireworks home, my personal opinion - the apple is not falling far from the tree and yes, I will also address what I consider her rude behavior when she will likely ask me why I responded in bitch like fashion to a 10-year-old on FB...
I am glad of these situations coming up. Seeing where I\'m growing, seeing where I still need and want to grow and getting good feedback along the way.
I can still see that I wanted to avoid the conflict of saying anything in front of other family and possibly causing a scene. I still felt guilty a bit for setting a boundary with a child not my own, even though it was a true safety issue in my opinion. And I still didn\'t want to react like \"good grief, have some appreciation you spoiled little shit\"- even if it was my own private thought, it made me feel bad. And my next thought was that this is the family that gave me a hard time because I got my sons birthday present with my tax return (in advance, when I knew I could) and then the actual day was a bit lame. Then she is behind on rent and owes people because she gave both kids $100 each plus their presents and said, \"I\'m not the type to tell my kids they have to wait a week on their presents.\" I guess I just didn\'t see or admit a lot of this before, but my kids may get it early or have to wait, but they appreciate they get it and understand that food & shelter come first!!
I\'m still getting my feet under me so to speak as far as my values, boundaries, what\'s important, okay and not okay. It\'s a big shift and it\'s both scary & enlightening at the same time.
There is nothing more annoying ,then to have some one behave in a manner that is selfish and thoughtless of other\'s who have gone out of their way to create a pleasant evening .As for the 10 year old playing with dangerous fireworks behind a bush ..i know i would have marched them out of it straight away, called the mother aside and let her deal with it. this 10 year should not even be on facebook. clearly your cousin has not got her priorities in place where this child is concerned.
I know family members take us for granted and I would strongly advise you to approach her before she does with regards to the evening and what took place between her child and the rude whispering carry on. Set your boundriaries and be assertive . If you cousin is in anyway the type of person who can see that their behavior was rude and thoughtless then hopefully you will be in a better place of understanding one another in the future ...
I am pleased that you can see and feel the changes inside of you . now all you have to do is make others aware that you will no longer be any one\'s door mat or sponge in the future.
I am personally terrified of fireworks. I mean I love going to see the professional ones but my fear comes from when I was about 10 years old and a friend of my brothers severely burned his hand (in front of me) and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance playing around with the kind of fireworks that you buy at the store.
Ever since that fireworks in non professional hands make me nervous even those baby ones that you throw on the floor.
My point in going on and on is that I think it would have been high irresponsbile of you as an adult to just let her play with something dangerous.
What will really happen is that you will see what your friendship / relationship is built on. Are you in her life because she needs and you give or is their sincere mutuality that consider your needs as well?
It would have been a boundary to tell her to take her child home. that would have been a fine boundary at the time. It says ... this behavior is not allowed at this event so take your tantrum home.
Thinking I will start another boundary thread so we can talk about how boundaries look and play out. I recently have had to deal with boundaries in what have been challenging situations for myself.
Boundary is a change in my behavior first. then other either abide by that or they go.
I actually did get her mom as soon as I told her that wasn\'t safe to do alone & she kept on. Her mom did have her apologize to me for not listening. It was apparent they are used to just dumping it all out and having a free for all on their own.
I can see where I backed off from the boundary. The pout did make me feel bad, so I told all the younger kids that I didn\'t mind them shooting stuff, but they needed to ask for supervision for the big items.
I\'m glad I\'m learning to have a voice and will continue my work on follow through.
And I figured I would hear from her in a message before I had a chance to talk since I\'m back to classes early this morning :) I will talk to her as soon as I get off campus.
Sounds like both your cousins and her child need healthy parenting. Do you want to do this?
I mean what you are saying here is that you expect an apology. The mother is not tuned in nor is her child to the value system you live by and teach your children.
I like to be in an adult relationship with another adult. I don\'t like baby sitting both the mother and her children. It is not my job. Either the mother grows up or I grow out. That would be my theme.
When looking at a relationship ... I look to see if their are any possibilities of the person looking to move forward. If they value our connection enough to change behavior. some times people are in it to learn and grow while others fall by the way side because they do not want to change along with me.