my new life as a single man
You can see from my previous entries that my marriage of 25 years is over. I am now living in a boarding house owned by one of the nicest Christian families I have ever known. We have bible study every day in the living room and food is included in the rent. I have gained 10 pounds in the month I have been here. I have no doubt that God brought me here. I am getting spiritually and physically stronger every day. I can't stop worrying about my wife though, I can't stop wondering what she is thinking about. Is she really so selfish that she really blames me for everything that went wrong? Will we ever be able to talk like adults or will everything have to be decided by the legal system? We haven't spoken since that horrible day that I left the house. I left with nothing but this computer and have had to buy new clothes and anything else I needed. I called one of her friends a few days ago to see if she was OK. Her friend acted angry at me and told me my wife was devastated by the awful things I was doing to her. She says I turned her son and grandchildren against her when the truth is that they stopped talking to her long before I left and I tried to get them to call her but they refused. I also ruined things for her with her doctor {she says} by talking about her drug abuse. What bothers me about that is that I know she will never be happy until she can be honest with herself.
For now I plan to keep working on getting healthy and praying to do God's will.
For now I plan to keep working on getting healthy and praying to do God's will.
Replies
It\'s been almost 2 months since I left my wife. I\'ve thought a lot about what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Sitting here watching the rain and snow that seems like it will never stop I\'ve been dreaming of warm sunny beaches and retiring and just having fun. I am permanently disabled so I don\'t have to work to survive and now that I don\'t spend money on drugs or cigarettes I could live comfortably on my disability pay. It seems, though, that God has different plans for me. While just surfing the net to pass the time I requested information about on line education within minutes a university counselor was on the phone. That was 5 days ago. Now I am enrolled to work on a BA in psychology. I have my first 2 assignments and my first class is next Tuesday. This isn\'t what I wanted but I believe that it is what God wants so that is what I want. I have seen substance abuse devastate the lives of my family, friends and myself for my entire life and I will be 60 this July. It is only by a series of true miracles that I am alive at all and it is a miracle that I am so active with all my disabilities. So now I\'m going to be a substance abuse counselor when I grow up and there is a great need for this service right here in Oregon so the warm sunny beaches will have to wait.
It\'s been over a year since I last wrote an entry. The situation has only gotten worse. I now have my own apartment but I haven\'t filed for divorce because I so wanted to save the marriage. In the 2+ years since I moved out she has never run out of weed, but there is no food in the house and she is still conning me out of every bit of money she can. Last night she told me she would never quit marijuana and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Whenever I spend any time with her I get physically sick and I can\'t take anymore. I have come to the conclusion that it is God\'s will that I divorce her. There never was a real marriage in the first place. I am too sick to write more now. More later
After 3/12 years of separation I am a new person but my wife has only continued down the same deadly path of addiction. She drove me out of the house and into homelessness when I had lung cancer. She continues to refuse any type of professional help and associates with nobody but drug addicts and only talks to me when she wants something. Now she has an aneurysm in her belly that might kill her. Now she wants me to come back and put all my energy and money into helping her. \" But this is serious I could die from it\" she says. When I was with her and dying of lung cancer, I was looking forward to death. Now she is faced with her mortality and is terrified. She is so jealous that she she wants me to die first so I can never be happy with someone else. She will never be happy no matter what I do. She gets what she wants by being unhappy and getting people to feel sorry for her so to be happy would be to give up her power. I\'ve had way too much of her BS and I just don\'t care anymore. I am not a surgeon and I am not God so there is nothing I can do. I still pray for her and wish her the best but that is all I can do.