My mood and mind twists and turns
My mood twists and turns, my mind fragments. I still have to move forward and what I say and do as a result can make me feel like I’m losing my religion.
I realize we all have complex thoughts and fear at times and life is a mixed bag but my overarching spirituality is to consider life in a certain way.
i don't have to create generate theories
or treatises and I don't want to get lost in that, though it may be something I gravitate towards.
what I hope to do is
To have humility and understanding for our natures as humans and to also promote love, peace and dignity but I know it can’t always be about that. I feel
and know a sense of how I overarchingly I want to consider life and experiences.
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I am a little raw right now. I was thinking and musing about things in such clear and peaceful terms tonight until my mind 'just wanted more' -
and I became sybaritic and ungraceful for the monastic community. It was a thought that was kind of gnashing.
I had been thinking about 'systems of approval' - how the monastery life supports a kind of consistent
knowledge and reminder of what you're doing right and what you're doing not right. It's like living
with a bunch of rules. I was good at academia. I got very good grades and I guess I am good with rules.
As one therapist said resentfully 'yeah you would be good at that' (bitch)
Anyways I know my Dad liked working in a bureaucracy. He is a very proper man, strong when he needs
to be, very very intense but very polite and an alpha male for sure. He was the head of his corporate structure in a lot
of workplaces where he was. He didn't much like entrepreneurial stuff - he tried it - it just didn't give
to him the kind of satisfaction that working in a company structure leadership gave.
Likewise I have found now that I very much have been looking for my system of approvals in life
and the monastery
and academia are two places I have found a kind of cushion for myself. A place where
if you want to know you're living right,,,if you want to know what you need to do..,it's a good place to be. But I also have
this sensual side that erases everything I work for mentally and spiritually and it knocks me out of the interpersonal orbit
At least the monasterial interpersonal order. They may be spikey here but they are also very strong and very good
at being monastics.
Anyways there's no one form of need that fills everyone's cup. The basis of this thread is that in some form or another everyone
'needs a structure of life that affirms them in the way they find fulfilling and effectual.'
Some people may be Hell's Angels' members at that might tick a lot of boxes for them.
I am a monastic and it ticks boxes for me but not all...Any religion can sometimes
say something like "one size fits all' - and though Christianity can speak of the rudiments
of human nature, some people have strengths and appetites that are better filled in
the mainstream world. Indeed something is missing for me sometimes here.
These frustrating thoughts tonight sent me to write these ideas down. It's my conversation with you guys.
My end of day download. I need to study a religious ceremony we're doing tomorrow that I've never done.
Have a good night you guys!
A therapist said to me once ‘you need a whole world’ and I guess the monastery of that kind of system of approvals. I am starting to see how we find out truth in life and focus on that in a kind of or as a kind of system of approval and point of departure. A man’s wife or partner may be that truth and system for getting on with life.
I think that we all have very human thoughts and feelings at times even if some decide to deny them due to a chosen course in life
I remember watching a show a long time ago where 3 young men were considering becoming Catholic priests and the inner struggle that they grappled with
Only one decided to become a priest
I hope tomorrows ceremony goes well sweetie...Big hug...xo