my mind manufactures upset

I don't know why - perhaps a chemical imbalance - I don't have that answer but

what I am going to write about is that I have come to know that my mind manufactures upset.

Whether it's the isolation that generates paranoia and fear narratives - like it did today or just when not occuppied it just

keeps roiling within me - like a need for argument or fight (something I don't like and I wish I could find peace.)

I had a friend of the family who she would always fight with her husband. It was their thing. When he passed

she said "I don't have anyone to fight with now" - cute - but I wonder if within me there is this kind of need.
I don't think there is but clearly parts of myself don't communicate well with the others - and I find

that the pressures build up during the day - even when I am at work - and when I come home - and I sometimes

look for a 'way of being' but know that's not an answer for me and perhaps doesn't work. It's like a power thing within

me that gets my goat - and I just have to manage it a lot..anyways I realize when left to my own devices - alone for a while - or even during my day - I just have to somehow manage and look past the b.s. that my mind gets up to.

I have this total fear narrative that is going on right now - and that's just part of it.

I look forward to my Doc upping my dose of propanilol when I see him in October. My body has always been too strong

for me to handle and I think that is what is churning that anxiety. Propanilol has helped so far - so perhaps more - will help even more. Amen!! hoping for the best!!