My mind

I don't know if anyone else has experience with this kind of thing, but I'll say it. My mental health challenges has made me very tentative about working with intellectual or more precisely, academic knowledge and its application. Too much anxiety and an unpredictable mental performance or presence of mind. So many strong personalities in my life have smashed and derailed me along the way. Now however I'm becoming more clear in my thinking. I've seen two things lately. That some people like relating according to real specific kinds of discussions. Almost like having their 'need and likes' projected in their conversations so that their need becomes the measuring stick for how 

I should respond to the conversation and this was my kind of humane imperative , but I know now I don't need to be the servant of each conversation, I know this is crackers and yet I know we all do that to a degree. I just feel more conscious of that now, so I'm not feeling so lost about understanding life and relationships. Like how could I possibly have any agency or confidence like others do??. The abbess and my friend the priest really like very specific type elements. It's been eye opening.

Yesterday I talked to the abbess and I just tried to be present with her and I saw her adjust to a freer sense of conversation. It was outside her comfort zone. It just made me understand that we're kind of all trying to understand each other and deal with fears and dangers.

in knowing this I also have become more confident as I'm seeing with dealing with life, I've been a plodder. One step at a time and getting the work done. I don't know if this is clear but I'm seeing working with knowledge takes the same kind of management of anxiety and a kind of plodding along and hoping for the best. I can do that now I think. If I need training for a better job, I can do it!