My life with an alcoholic

Something I wrote in Feb., 2014: Our Valentine's date was really nice. But one night out isn't going to change anything. He's not a horrible person. He does lots of nice, thoughtful things. He can be so soft hearted and sensitive. That's the sad thing about alcoholism. It overtakes a person's mind and personality, making a thoughtful person act selfish, and turning kindness into cruelty. It erases compliments and sweetness with insults and mockery...disguises intelligence with stupidity, hides knowledge behind confusion, poisons love-making with a feeling of violation, and turns intimacy into loneliness. And I have to watch it...and feel it...over and over and over again. I've seen his eyes turn many times from a loving warmth to an icy, cruel stare as the alcohol takes over, causing pain in my chest...and a chill up my spine. Sometimes it has made me cry. Other times a flood of anger rushes over me that I can barely contain. A little bit of trust is gained when there are good times, but my hopes are dashed and it all feels like a total lie every time there's a drinking binge with its accompanying deceit, bold-faced lies, verbal abuse and painfully frustrating miscommunication. The alcoholic in him doesn't care what the cost of his betrayal is. He shows no sympathy for my tears, no acknowledgement of my anger, little or no respect for me...even so far as to risk the loss of my car, and to endanger himself, me, and others! I'm so sick and tired of dealing with it. Sick to the point of nausea, and truly weary from the emotional turmoil. Love and hate have been battling within me, and I'm afraid that hate...or rather, my disgust with his addiction...is winning. I really don't even know who it is that I love anymore. I don't believe he loves me, I don't know if I can believe he is who he seems to be when he's sober. Which person is real?? Has he ever been who I thought he was?? I've withstood verbal assaults and other cruelties from him like I have from no other. I have fought back with anger, cruel words, self-loathing and self-harm that violates my very soul and everything I believe in. And it has solved nothing. Alcoholism is like a virus...infecting those who get too close and threatening to destroy every good thing it touches.