My life sucks - wish I were dead. It will be 9 months on Sunday.

I am frustrated.  It will be nine months in a few days, actually on Sunday.  Nothing seems to be working out for me.  I will have to take an Excel course if I want a receptionist job.  I need money to keep living in the apartment.  Life sucks.  I don't want to lose the apartment as it was Smokey's legacy to me.  If I lost the apartment,  I don't know how I would react but I would definitely go ballistic.  I am in a really negative state of mine at the moment.  At the moment, and the moment will pass by, I wish I were dead.  I can't continue on anymore.  I pray but it is if God doesn't hear my prayers.  It is like God doesn't care about me anymore.  God took the one good thing in my life which was Smokey and left me here alone.  My life sucks.
1.  Job market sucks - need to take an Excel course but need money as well to live and keep the apartment.
2.  Men suck - men are pigs
3.  My life sucks - wish I had died with Smokey and not be left here all alone.  There is no purpose for me.  There is no plan for me.  There is no way for me.  There is no will for me.  Why am I here?  Why couldn't I have been the one that was taken and Smokey left behind.  Why?
My life sucks and I wish I had died with Smokey from Diane