My life story. Part 1
I have been walking around in a fog since the talk I had with my now ex best friend 2 weeks ago. Its a daily battle for me to change the manner in which I have viewed the world my whole life. I come from a whole lot of extremely negative people and a lot of the view points they have are all I've really known my entire life. My father beat into me that everyone in the world was out to get me. Out loud I would say that I don't actually believe that- but subconsciously I did. I just realized that recently- within the past year. Along with the "everyone's out to screw u" philosophy he would add in the italian credo- "family's all u got in this world." Both of which I believed and lived by- the second one about family- I consciously believed that one- the ladder was subconscious. He also say things like "when ur on top the world wants to drag u down and when ur on bottom the world wants and tries to pick u up." That's another one I listened to and lived by.
I had a lot of resilience in my teens and 20s- I was very angry and I think that anger fueled me- in fact I know it did. So I was able to get up- one fist in the air- and fight this whole world who was out to get me- I fought everyday- and when I didn't have it in me to fight I would just escape reality. I had many ways of doing this- sex, weed, and my favorite vice of all- good old food. Thing is- no matter how hard I tried to grow mentally as a person- and I really did try- my road map was all fucked up. I always thought that I'd have to fix my external in order for my internal to finally heal. I used to take months in between each man that I let destroy me to "get my shit together". That's what I always called it. Getting my shit together meant losing weight usually- in fact I can't think of anything else that it was. I thought that if I got thin enough then I would of course get a man who adored me and then I would be happy. That lasted until I was about 25. That's when I dealt w gino- I've written about him before- he was a one night stand who I tried to turn into way more than that. I still remember the night when I realized that my feeling of emptiness had nothing to do with how I looked. After that realization I seemed to lose the motivation to fight my food/weed addIction. I skipped the next 6 months of my life and when I woke up I was 30 pounds heavier. That's what happens when you get high and binge daily for 6 months. The only time I was sober was when I was at work and that's only bc I drove heavy machinery and if I wasn't sober for that someone could get killed.
I was absolutely devastated when I gained that weight. I looked at it like my life was over. I couldn't fathom any man being interested in me at that weight. The main reason for that mind set was the fact that as soon as I gained weight as a child- and I mean like 10 pounds- my mother stopped caring about anything else I did or said. Nothing mattered. No other accomplishments- nothing but the weight. My mom would speak of me to my father with disgust and confusion- like whatever am I do to with a daughter who's so obese- that's right- that level of hysteria was for 10 fucking pounds. That's when it began- my thought that my weight meant more than anything in my life. What added to that is the level of praise I got from my family when I lost weight. They all told me how beautiful I was when I got thinner. See my family isn't into to things like esteem for oneself. Not at all. In my family's eyes- self esteem= being thin and having money. Nothing to do with who someone is as a person. I can't say in words how hard it is to shake that belief. I try everyday. I try so fucking hard. But its ingrained in me. That's why I have my own business and I still feel like a failure if I don't keep the typical hours that everyone else keeps. Mind you- I never have- I always worked a 330- 12 and I kept crazy night hours in law school also and it worked very well for me. Yet I beat myself up over it. Bc every time I speak to my fucking father he has something to say about it. "You don't come in til 3 o'clock". Mind you I come in whenever- sometimes its 3. Today it will probably be 4 bc my business doesn't only consist of office work. Additionally it fucking works for me- so fuck it. He doesn't pay my bills so who the fuck is he to give his 2 cents. I get so mad at myself when I let my father's negativity seep in and make me feel like a failure. He operates under the premise that everyone in this fucking world is a complete fucking idiot and without him barking at us and telling us what to do we would all completely fall apart. Most of my family views life that way. I hear my father and mother's voice in my head all the time. I hate it. I hate that I'm even on their radar. My father way more than my ma. I hate that he fucking keeps track of my life. He doesn't do that bc he wants me to succeed and he's interested in watching my successes- he does it to micromanage my fucking life.
That's why this sunday and monday sucked. That's why I binged saturday and sunday. I spent the whole fucking day with him saturday and I allowed his overall sense of misery to consume me. I get so mad at myself when I do that. I realize it now though. That's what's important. So now its about picking up the pieces and forgiving myself for friday through monday. I am going to focus on how thankful I am that I'm snapping out of it now instead of later- I used to lose weeks before I realized what he did.
How do I not get into that mentality again? Maybe the answer will come to me soon. Hopefully it will.
I had a lot of resilience in my teens and 20s- I was very angry and I think that anger fueled me- in fact I know it did. So I was able to get up- one fist in the air- and fight this whole world who was out to get me- I fought everyday- and when I didn't have it in me to fight I would just escape reality. I had many ways of doing this- sex, weed, and my favorite vice of all- good old food. Thing is- no matter how hard I tried to grow mentally as a person- and I really did try- my road map was all fucked up. I always thought that I'd have to fix my external in order for my internal to finally heal. I used to take months in between each man that I let destroy me to "get my shit together". That's what I always called it. Getting my shit together meant losing weight usually- in fact I can't think of anything else that it was. I thought that if I got thin enough then I would of course get a man who adored me and then I would be happy. That lasted until I was about 25. That's when I dealt w gino- I've written about him before- he was a one night stand who I tried to turn into way more than that. I still remember the night when I realized that my feeling of emptiness had nothing to do with how I looked. After that realization I seemed to lose the motivation to fight my food/weed addIction. I skipped the next 6 months of my life and when I woke up I was 30 pounds heavier. That's what happens when you get high and binge daily for 6 months. The only time I was sober was when I was at work and that's only bc I drove heavy machinery and if I wasn't sober for that someone could get killed.
I was absolutely devastated when I gained that weight. I looked at it like my life was over. I couldn't fathom any man being interested in me at that weight. The main reason for that mind set was the fact that as soon as I gained weight as a child- and I mean like 10 pounds- my mother stopped caring about anything else I did or said. Nothing mattered. No other accomplishments- nothing but the weight. My mom would speak of me to my father with disgust and confusion- like whatever am I do to with a daughter who's so obese- that's right- that level of hysteria was for 10 fucking pounds. That's when it began- my thought that my weight meant more than anything in my life. What added to that is the level of praise I got from my family when I lost weight. They all told me how beautiful I was when I got thinner. See my family isn't into to things like esteem for oneself. Not at all. In my family's eyes- self esteem= being thin and having money. Nothing to do with who someone is as a person. I can't say in words how hard it is to shake that belief. I try everyday. I try so fucking hard. But its ingrained in me. That's why I have my own business and I still feel like a failure if I don't keep the typical hours that everyone else keeps. Mind you- I never have- I always worked a 330- 12 and I kept crazy night hours in law school also and it worked very well for me. Yet I beat myself up over it. Bc every time I speak to my fucking father he has something to say about it. "You don't come in til 3 o'clock". Mind you I come in whenever- sometimes its 3. Today it will probably be 4 bc my business doesn't only consist of office work. Additionally it fucking works for me- so fuck it. He doesn't pay my bills so who the fuck is he to give his 2 cents. I get so mad at myself when I let my father's negativity seep in and make me feel like a failure. He operates under the premise that everyone in this fucking world is a complete fucking idiot and without him barking at us and telling us what to do we would all completely fall apart. Most of my family views life that way. I hear my father and mother's voice in my head all the time. I hate it. I hate that I'm even on their radar. My father way more than my ma. I hate that he fucking keeps track of my life. He doesn't do that bc he wants me to succeed and he's interested in watching my successes- he does it to micromanage my fucking life.
That's why this sunday and monday sucked. That's why I binged saturday and sunday. I spent the whole fucking day with him saturday and I allowed his overall sense of misery to consume me. I get so mad at myself when I do that. I realize it now though. That's what's important. So now its about picking up the pieces and forgiving myself for friday through monday. I am going to focus on how thankful I am that I'm snapping out of it now instead of later- I used to lose weeks before I realized what he did.
How do I not get into that mentality again? Maybe the answer will come to me soon. Hopefully it will.
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