My Journey and start of all the Firsts to come
This journey thru my year of first is harder than I could imagined. Right after Eric was killed some that had walked this journey before me gave me a warning that the first year with all the firsts would be difficult and to let me know I would survive.
The week approaching Mothers day the immense sadness began and continued for two weeks after with some disorientation once again that I had not experienced since that first week. Scared me really as there have been so many times I wondered if I was possibly losing my sanity. Then Eric's daughters birthday and the first celebrated without her Dad sent my daughter n law into a melt down. Then my surviving adult children wanted to have Eric's first memorial the Sunday before memorial day with just us and to watch them lay on his grave and cry was just heart wrenching. I wanted so much to be able to comfort them but there is nothing I can say or do to really ease their pain.
Last Saturday my Second oldest son Jason, ran his first ever marathon in memory of Eric. He had the shirt with Erics picture and the family, all 23 of us wore Running in Memory of Eric shirts in his favorite color, baby blue. I was so nervous that Jason would not finish the race and how devastated he would be but he finished... 26 miles, wow. Then shortly after his emotional melt down would occur. You see he somehow believed that all the training and running would somehow make him feel better and change all the broken hearts of this family but it didn't change anything. Just Jason and I went to the cemetery and spent hours talking, crying with me trying to help him understand that while we were broken and hurting there was not a fix he could do, there wasn't anything he could make better for his family but that was ok. We would walk this journey together.
This Saturday is my nephews wedding and he has asked that a song is played in Eric's memory and that I say a few words. Oh my gosh....how am I going to get up in front of people and talk about my son without falling apart?
Coming up we have anniversaries and more holidays and honestly I'm not sure how each of you have made it thru your first year with sanity intact but I can see you have and that gives me hope I too will make it.
The week approaching Mothers day the immense sadness began and continued for two weeks after with some disorientation once again that I had not experienced since that first week. Scared me really as there have been so many times I wondered if I was possibly losing my sanity. Then Eric's daughters birthday and the first celebrated without her Dad sent my daughter n law into a melt down. Then my surviving adult children wanted to have Eric's first memorial the Sunday before memorial day with just us and to watch them lay on his grave and cry was just heart wrenching. I wanted so much to be able to comfort them but there is nothing I can say or do to really ease their pain.
Last Saturday my Second oldest son Jason, ran his first ever marathon in memory of Eric. He had the shirt with Erics picture and the family, all 23 of us wore Running in Memory of Eric shirts in his favorite color, baby blue. I was so nervous that Jason would not finish the race and how devastated he would be but he finished... 26 miles, wow. Then shortly after his emotional melt down would occur. You see he somehow believed that all the training and running would somehow make him feel better and change all the broken hearts of this family but it didn't change anything. Just Jason and I went to the cemetery and spent hours talking, crying with me trying to help him understand that while we were broken and hurting there was not a fix he could do, there wasn't anything he could make better for his family but that was ok. We would walk this journey together.
This Saturday is my nephews wedding and he has asked that a song is played in Eric's memory and that I say a few words. Oh my gosh....how am I going to get up in front of people and talk about my son without falling apart?
Coming up we have anniversaries and more holidays and honestly I'm not sure how each of you have made it thru your first year with sanity intact but I can see you have and that gives me hope I too will make it.
Replies
My heart just goes out to you after reading your journal. That first year was really horrible. Everything was a first. Every holiday, every birthday and Jeff\'s daughters finishing the school year. I hope you can say a few words at your nephew\'s wedding without falling apart. I won\'t lie to you and tell you that you can do it without tearing up, just do the best you can. Much love and peace to you....Nell
That 1st year is a walk in numbness and shock.
I went through the 1sts and barely knew what I was doing it. The 2nd year I really felt all the firsts because now the shock was wearing off.
Over 2.5yrs later I still get myself all worked up week\'s before a special day then I feel miserable. Oh and the sanity. We feel what we feel and walk through it I think with the help of our beautiful children.
Hugs
Laura
Laura is right numbness and shock describe our journey for sure. Talking about this horror is truly a big help. Hoping that the vibes of healing on this site help you. I have spoken about my girls in public and it was okay only one page and it was able to get through it because I had it written out. I hope that helps. Blessings to you xoxoxox
You may fall apart and that will be okay, you might not be able to say anything and that will be okay, you may be able to say a few words and that will be okay. Anything that you are able to do or not is enough so please continue to be as gentle with yourself as you can be and only do what you can and what feels healing for you.
In one of my early grief books that I read it said that if a grieving mother were hospitalized for her heart wounds she would be in the ICU on life support. That gave me a visual that I will never forget and helped me to know that what I was dealing with and trying to learn how to carry was the hardest work of a lifetime that I would ever be asked to face.
Each of you are doing your best and what a beautiful tribute for your son to run that race for his brother. The pieces of the family puzzle are forever changed and trying to learn how they all \"fit\" now is a moment by moment learning.
Healing hugs your way and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Yes, the first year of this journey is SO hard! How we even survive is a mystery....but, somehow, we do.
What a wonderful way for Jason to honor his brother! No, it doesn\'t erase the pain, but it does put some \"action\" to the pain and I think that is very helpful.
Each of you are struggling and each of you will find what works best....and it may be very different for each family member. Patience and lots of LOVE will help you all to help each other. I see your family has lots to give!!
As far as speaking at the wedding....Joanie is exactly right! Whether you give a full speech, say a short sentence, just say his name, or never utter a word, it is enough!!!!
Hold on dear one~~ You CAN do this!!
Much love and tight heart hugs~~Teri
If I were at an event where a newly bereaved mother spoke publicly about her son or daughter, I would anticipate it being a very difficult and courageous thing and would not fault her if she was unable to do it without tears. Everyone in that room will in some way get a glimpse of the horror. The first year is awful; the second year is worse. I hit the third anniversary in March and not one day goes by that I don\'t find myself in tears and sometimes due to some seemingly insignificant occurrence or even something I see on TV. It\'s different now, though. I no longer fear that I\'m losing my mind (yes, in the first year to two I did often worry about that). I have come to begin to understand the mental illness that took my daughter. Now I miss her, with my whole heart and soul. I have no family and she was my only child. I\'ve made mistakes trying to get close to a person or two because walking the world alone is brand new to me. My heart and prayers to you.
Eric will be with you when you speak at your nephew\'s wedding!
I so understand your feelings about the first year - the year of firsts; first Mother\'s Day, first Christmas, first thanksgiving, first birthday etc.
We get through it together.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
I\'m in the first year and I echo Laura that it\'s full of numbness and disbelief. Perhaps that will help get you through the ceremony. What is wonderful about your journal is all the family you have that care and who are walking next to you as you make it though this first year. Wishing you peace -- Laura
The April after I lost Jenn to melanoma ( skin cancer) we were asked to present the Jennifer Gancarz memorial award at the annual melanoma walk...it was an honor and horrible at the same time. I have done this 3 times now, and it never gets easier but it\'s important that people know about Jenn AND hear the message that it\'s NOT just skin cancer and we can prevent it...this was going to be Jenns crusade after she beat this...which of course never happen...so mom will do it for her
Hugs, marylou
Ps. For me year 2 was harder, because I wasn\'t as numb
Sometimes we don\'t even know day to day what our emotions will be. If you plan to say a few words at the wedding but then are not able to, it\'s understandable & it\'s ok. Whatever you can do, is enough.