My Journey
Hello Sisters of my Heart,
Well, woke up this morning after a restless night, flooded with memories of Jennifer. How can it be 3 years that I have not hugged her, talked with her, argued with her, received a text or heard "I love you mom".....I drove home early from Arizona (about 220 miles) after being there for a week. Jim will come home MOnday. The solitude was good, driving and the quiet was what I needed. In my solitude, I realized that this grief journey is really "my journey". I have wanted others to somehow fix my broken heart, I have wanted others to somehow heal me......this morning when I woke up, I so wanted Jim to "do something" and say all the right words, do all the right things...whatever it is that I thought would help my tears BUT, I left early - he was barely awake and I scurried like a rabbit just wanting to get home and be on "my journey". It really is MY JOURNEY.....no-one else can really know what's in my heart but me....no-one can really heal me.but me..Jim is not able to take away my pain...he can help, sometimes....but I have to walk this with YOU SISTERS who know what's it is like to lose our child.....
When I got home, I was sort of in my own thoughts but felt compelled to decorate for Christmas using Jennifer's Christmas things. I usually don't decorate as I find it too exhausting and I think "for who" am I doing this for? But today I wanted to spend the day with Jennifer - so I went through Christmas boxes, decorating a small tree I bought and spent the day remembering, feeling my Jennifer around me with every ornament I touched. My tree has some ornaments of mine, and hers and Hunter's. I put out the ceramic tree that my aunt had made with lights.. Today has been a good day.
Jennifer, you would be proud of your mama - I'm not feeling sorry for myself ( you hated that). I had so much fun looking at your ornaments and remembering your tree and felt your presence with me. I love you so much and miss you more than I can stand sometimes....I'm thankful that I got to be your mom...mistakes and all - I am so grateful.....
(((hugs))) Vicki
Replies
She was with you!!! Shining with delight that you were carrying on a tradition you shared without her physical presence...you honored her...and moved forward in realizing just how strong you are. I don't know if I will put up a tree, but I am SO, SO, PROUD of you that you did!!!
Awww Vicki, how touching. I am happy you had a good day remembering and loving your Jennifer through the decoration of your small tree. Much love, Debbie
Such a beautiful post, Vicki. And your words are so spot on. This is our own journey and our own healing isn't it?
So glad Jennifer was close by and today was a good one for you. It sounds like you surrounded yourself in beauty and memories and I am sure Jennifer is proud of you. Love and gentle hugs, Linda
It is OUR journey, and ours alone...others help, especially our SOTHS, but at the end of the day, we must travel this our own way. I'm so glad you had this wonderful day with your beautiful Jennifer.
Yes it is ours alone and that's why it is so very hard. No one understands except us. I love to have the girls things around for the holidays and it looks so pretty. I know they are pleased to see them too. Wishing you some peace this season. Our girls are watching so we have to make them proud. Hugs, Kathy
What a heartwarming journal. I am so glad you were able to spend time with Jennifer.
Indeed we are on our own journeys with our Sisters of the Heart beside us. I too have wanted Joe to somehow, magically know how to make me feel better. He would do anything to help me heal. He has a kind heart but is not a mind reader - as he often reminds me!. You are so right. We are each on our own journey and I am thankful every day for FMO and the wonderful courageous moms who really understand. Tight hugs, M
What a heartfelt journal filled with all the feelings that only another mother walking this path can remotely understand. How wonderful that you felt the nudge and followed it by decorating for Christmas and BEing with Jennifer. I have no doubt she was right in the midst and yes, so very understanding and proud of her mom no matter if the tears flow, there is laughter, there is cocooning for a time, there is busyness... whatever it is, this is what a this human earth suit can feel like at any given moment.
Loving care to your beautiful Jennifer, and to you, dear Vicki, as I have certainly been thinking about you two. So, so grateful to hear that the day was gentle and intentional and that YOU followed your heart and did what you needed to do for YOU and for Jennifer too.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Thinking of you Vicki and hoping you find some peace today. Sue
It is interesting that what I used to think was not showing respect... celebrating holidays and the like now bring Cara nearer... to celebrate her life to feel and remember her joy in those things she feels so much closer and alive for me... I'm so glad you found the will to celebrate Jennifer and feel her there with you. I love your journal... It helps me know I'm not alone in finding there are still times I can feel good for and with my daughter and I'm not weird... or if I am... if we are... does it matter... Anything that gives us some moments to share with our beloved children is well worth being frigging bonkers if need be. Hugs and Smiles to you and Jennifer from Elissa and Cara
This is the lesson I had to learn as well.....and guess we all must.
Yes, most definitely, my SOTH have helped tremendously by allowing me the freedom to post my inner most feelings without "too much" judgement (and yes, there has been judgement and "issues" even within this safe zone). And yes, most definitely, Kala has been one of the greatest helpers in my healing process (a process that will never end until I shed this earth suit). And yes, family and friends help. BUT, real to the core of my being healing only began when TERI decided to pick her ass up off the floor and start trying to live life again.
I'm so very happy that you and Jennifer had a great day together and you have found a measure of strength, hope and peace in your journey!
Much love always~
Vicki, I logged on tonight and so glad that I did. I read and reread your journal. I have a hard time with this new website. I am trying but it is hard to teach an "old dog" new tricks. Thank you so much for sharing. So glad that you and your Jennifer had a good day and hoping for you some peace. Like you said, nobody but another Mom can really understand this pain. One of the other moms posted about how she too wanted her husband to help her but her husband says the same thing as mine does "he does not read minds". This is our journey and we have to do the best we can without others judging us. Love and gentle hugs to you....Nell
Yes...Our (My) journey.
Profound journal. Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom.
Gentle care,
AnnM