My Journal Is Much Easier
I don't know why I can't complete a post without rewriting it a dozen times and then just not posting it in the end. I don't know if I've ever added anything of substance to the SI or eating disorder boards even though their the only ones I frequently visit.
First of all, Journal, I want to tell you that I have started hitting again. We both know that this is how it starts and where it's going to lead. Yes, it was a key feature in my former SI days, but I don't think it'll get to the point it was at. I'm not in a house now, I'm in an apartment complex, and people will hear it, which is very unlikely that I'll let that happen. Punching is such a subtle attack on myself, and it's easily concealed and goes away after a week or two depending on how badly it happens. I did get close to relapsing on cutting two nights ago. My ex wanted me to go to the club with her and some friends, and she was persistent in asking, which I know it was just because she wanted me to get out and have some fun, but the thought of the crowd and alcohol just didn't seem like a good idea, so I calmed my frantic mind, and was able to make plans with some friends staying in so I didn't lay around thinking about knives all night.
Second of all, Journal, I worry about my lack of scars. I guess I never cut deep enough, although I drew blood, I didn't do anything serious enough to require stitches, but when I quite forever ago, the scars stayed as a reminder, and a promise that whoever was close enough to me to see them would know that part of my past. Now they've faded, and as far as anyone I know or meet later on in my life has to know, I never had any kind of problem because my life is perfect like I portray it to be. My lack of scars is enough to make me want to go back and try again, relapse completely, make my problems real to myself again.
Third problem, Journal, is something I did make a post about. I can't focus and concentrate, it's not something I bring up much to you, even though it is something that I always imagined getting medication would fix. Depression seems to bind my brain to the point that I get terrible headaches when I try to work on long or complicated schoolwork. Maybe someone will provide me with some kind of hope and tell me that they too had these issues, and they've found a solution that restored them to their normal function intellect. If my options are to be dumb and depressed or be dumb and on medication, then I will gladly take my own life. There is nothing more humiliating than to have competed and been better than my most brilliant peers, and to have that taken from me. I would accept meds that destroy my metabolism if they would just give me my brain back.
I guess that's probably about it, everything else I have on my mind isn't really worth even starting to type up a post about. The usual, I want to die, but I haven't died yet. The end of my undergrad is creeping up on me, and if I put off the GRE anymore, I'll put myself another year behind on grad school, but I'm afraid to take it like this because I know my score won't be as high as it could be while I'm depressed. There's probably only 2 test dates that would work for applications in the fall, so I should probably get on that. I don't know what I'm doing next year, I made up this silly plan to please my dad that I would do some undergrad courses in electrical engineering so that I could do a master's in that eventually, but I don't really like the material, so I'm just wasting next year. I think the real reason I won't move on and leave is because when I transferred back home, I said I'd die here or get help, and I haven't gotten help yet. Maybe I'll man up and take care of it finally, maybe I'll waste my life being average and hating myself. I need to stop sucking and just make time to fix all this, but it's so hard to admit I have a problem to anyone important in my life. I know I can't just stop seeing/talking to my parents, so anything I tell them will forever be judgment that I have to endure. I should just find a full time job with health insurance so I can see a therapist or psychiatrist without having to talk to my family about it. Unfortunately, I'd have to stop having anxiety issues long enough to put in applications to jobs.
Anyways.. I need some sleep, so 'til next time, Journal.
First of all, Journal, I want to tell you that I have started hitting again. We both know that this is how it starts and where it's going to lead. Yes, it was a key feature in my former SI days, but I don't think it'll get to the point it was at. I'm not in a house now, I'm in an apartment complex, and people will hear it, which is very unlikely that I'll let that happen. Punching is such a subtle attack on myself, and it's easily concealed and goes away after a week or two depending on how badly it happens. I did get close to relapsing on cutting two nights ago. My ex wanted me to go to the club with her and some friends, and she was persistent in asking, which I know it was just because she wanted me to get out and have some fun, but the thought of the crowd and alcohol just didn't seem like a good idea, so I calmed my frantic mind, and was able to make plans with some friends staying in so I didn't lay around thinking about knives all night.
Second of all, Journal, I worry about my lack of scars. I guess I never cut deep enough, although I drew blood, I didn't do anything serious enough to require stitches, but when I quite forever ago, the scars stayed as a reminder, and a promise that whoever was close enough to me to see them would know that part of my past. Now they've faded, and as far as anyone I know or meet later on in my life has to know, I never had any kind of problem because my life is perfect like I portray it to be. My lack of scars is enough to make me want to go back and try again, relapse completely, make my problems real to myself again.
Third problem, Journal, is something I did make a post about. I can't focus and concentrate, it's not something I bring up much to you, even though it is something that I always imagined getting medication would fix. Depression seems to bind my brain to the point that I get terrible headaches when I try to work on long or complicated schoolwork. Maybe someone will provide me with some kind of hope and tell me that they too had these issues, and they've found a solution that restored them to their normal function intellect. If my options are to be dumb and depressed or be dumb and on medication, then I will gladly take my own life. There is nothing more humiliating than to have competed and been better than my most brilliant peers, and to have that taken from me. I would accept meds that destroy my metabolism if they would just give me my brain back.
I guess that's probably about it, everything else I have on my mind isn't really worth even starting to type up a post about. The usual, I want to die, but I haven't died yet. The end of my undergrad is creeping up on me, and if I put off the GRE anymore, I'll put myself another year behind on grad school, but I'm afraid to take it like this because I know my score won't be as high as it could be while I'm depressed. There's probably only 2 test dates that would work for applications in the fall, so I should probably get on that. I don't know what I'm doing next year, I made up this silly plan to please my dad that I would do some undergrad courses in electrical engineering so that I could do a master's in that eventually, but I don't really like the material, so I'm just wasting next year. I think the real reason I won't move on and leave is because when I transferred back home, I said I'd die here or get help, and I haven't gotten help yet. Maybe I'll man up and take care of it finally, maybe I'll waste my life being average and hating myself. I need to stop sucking and just make time to fix all this, but it's so hard to admit I have a problem to anyone important in my life. I know I can't just stop seeing/talking to my parents, so anything I tell them will forever be judgment that I have to endure. I should just find a full time job with health insurance so I can see a therapist or psychiatrist without having to talk to my family about it. Unfortunately, I'd have to stop having anxiety issues long enough to put in applications to jobs.
Anyways.. I need some sleep, so 'til next time, Journal.
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