My journal. I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.

Hello,

I'm P.  I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.

It is Saturday the 3^rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.

On Monday 19^th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife.  “The police are here.  I’m scared.  What’s going on?”

I knew what was going on.  My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.

My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized.  I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station.  I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.

The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me.  On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked.  I was released under investigation and went home.  That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things.  My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.

Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work.  That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay.  I had an email from my Sister late that night.  My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to.  She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends.  My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me. 

Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done.  I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.

I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did.  Since speaking to them for a 2^nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.

It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines.  The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines.  Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.

I am now not at the family home.  I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs.  I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done.  She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls.  She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery.  There is no one to help at the moment.

I feel sick.  Last week I seriously considered suicide.  It was horrible.  My brain would not stop.  I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.

This low is horrible.  I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.

All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex.  At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography.  I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to.  I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me.  I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.

I am ashamed, unhappy and scared.  I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again.  I love her so much.