My journal. I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.
Hello,
I'm P. I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.
It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.
On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife. “The police are here. I’m scared. What’s going on?”
I knew what was going on. My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.
My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station. I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.
The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me. On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked. I was released under investigation and went home. That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things. My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.
Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work. That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay. I had an email from my Sister late that night. My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to. She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends. My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me.
Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done. I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.
I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did. Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.
It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines. The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines. Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.
I am now not at the family home. I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs. I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done. She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls. She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery. There is no one to help at the moment.
I feel sick. Last week I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. My brain would not stop. I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.
This low is horrible. I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.
All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex. At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography. I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to. I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me. I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.
I am ashamed, unhappy and scared. I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again. I love her so much.
Replies
Today is 14 days since I hit very bottom. My brain decided to reward me by trying to throw fantasy images and scenarios at me. It really shocked me; I was on a work telephone call, no triggers, nothing sexual happened, no attractive people had walked past, it just happened. I was very shocked by this. Having read some of the things e.g. on yourbrainonporn.com I was able to recognise that it wanted a dopamine hit but I refused to let the images into my thoughts. I am happy about it but realise that this is going to be a very difficult and long road.
Children's services have also contacted me today and I am due to meet them tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I picked up a book ordered online - "The Porn Trap". I'm only a couple of pages into it but the talk of 'shame', 'secrecy' and 'isolation' all ring true.
My wife has not told our son about everything. All he knows is that Dad's computers were hacked and I'm helping the police. Has anyone any experience of telling older children about what's really happening? My son is 15 and a half.
Day 16. My first visit to SAA. I think it is true that as soon as you can talk about this addiction, it loses it's grip. That's not to say I will ever be cured; I will have to talk about it for a long long time, but every time you break through the silence, the shame, the isolation, you kill a little tiny bit the addiction's hold.
Truthfully, as others spoke, I wavered between hope, to terror and back again. I have my motivation for getting through all of this, but I hope that motivation will remain a shining beacon for me to aim to.
I am missing my wife and children so much. I am in a rented spare room. All I have of them are a few photos I was able to pick up when I collected some clothes a couple of weeks ago.
Children's Services want to see that we have talked to Sam and given an age appropriate explanation. I emailed a draft letter for him to my wife but she doesn't appear willing to let him know what is going on.
This is a long long road I have started, and the start of it sucks.
Not sure if your still coming back to this site.
But here's my 2 cents.
Keep writing in your journal. Daily accounts if your actions and thoughts and emotions. After you write, you can either make them private, public or just for friends.
Don't even think...... or ever think of suicide. No matter what, you kids will ALWAYS want and need you.
I'm surprised your wife who knew nothing. Knows everything now. I think your son should be a more of a, "On a need to know" basis. And tell your wife little too. Just the main points.
I'm thinking the marriage is over..... Think ahead here. Don't lose your sanity..... EVERYTHING is your children now, and getting past all this.
So far, pretty much the easiest thing has been to avoid porn, to avoid arousal. I can honestly say that I have only been aroused once in the last 23 days and that was when I was asleep and woke up in that state; so it was pretty much out of my control.
Tonight was my second SAA meeting. I spoke up in the 'General Share' part of the meeting. Today has been a bad day, but it really does lift the depression a little to hear others speak.
I saw a therapist for the first time on Monday and she touched on some of the big things in my life that might have been factors and reasons for what my sex and porn addiction was eating on - what I was trying to cope with. And today it filled me with anger and grief. In SAA people talked about Step 3 - turning one's will to 'God' or a higher power as we understand it. At the moment I cannot consider that because whatever that higher power is chose to take our daughter from us just before she was born.
I also passed on to my wife, sister and parents the questions that my solicitor has written down for me to consider, which will help draft my statement. Some of the questions are pretty horrible to think about and my wife is so bitterly angry and upset with me.
I hate that my brain took me to depths that I don't consider to be okay. I hate that I am sat on a single bed in a rented room, away from my wife and family. I know this is all very self pitying, but maybe writing it down will help get rid of the power of that pity.
Is there a difference between being (a) a good and decent person who has a dark shroud that sometimes envelopes them and (b) an evil monster who holds up a mask of a good person? I think there is. I am clinging to hope that there is. I am sure I am (a), but what if I am (b) and I do not know it? I am good and I am starting a journey to rid myslef of the shroud. I am not evil trying to rid myself of the good mask. My wife thinks I am (b) at the moment.
My brain took my anger this afternoon and thought 'f**k it, f**k them, f**k everyone else, look at some porn, go pay a sex worker'. It was low. It was tempting. I've not felt that tempted in 23 days. I fought against it. I thought of my motivation - my wife, my son, my twin girls, my little girl's memory. That motivation is all I have at the moment. I have nothing except my love for them and I am going to sodding well beat this because I want to look at them again one day as a clean person.
What a rant. Probably rather unstructured but I feel a bit better. Thank you for reading and [virtually] listening to me. It helps to share.
Good job at Venting!!!
You need that, we all do at times.
Don't put a name to what you think you are or what you think others think you are. You just you.... lust is a difficult thing to overcome.
At least you have a room. I take it, your still working? You have several good things in your favor.
Don't give up.... Keep seeing the therapist and keep writing. You don't have to share every journal entry. You can keep some private. Its up to you.
My brain is really getting pissed at me for not giving a masturbation and orgasm fix. It is throwing every conceivable fantasy image at me from illegal porn to my beautiful wife, from fetish porn to fantasy images of every female I know that I've ever found even partly attractive. It is really trying hard to get me.
At the moment I am 29 days since day zero, when I hit absolute rock bottom. It is partly will power, partly trauma, partly an absolute desire to manage this addiction.
I had some time with my therapist today; it's only the second time I have seen her, but every time I get to say something, something about a piece of me that no one else has ever known, it is such a blessed relief. Today I talked about a long seated sexual response I've had (for as long as I can remember) about urine, whether that's pee porn, doing it with exes etc, I've always had a sexual response to it, but never have I actually said that to anyone. It is amazing how every time you say something out loud, the grip it has over you, the grip of the addiction immediately is a little less.
My brain has not ever let me think of some of the images and video clips I saw as abuse. I am really scared, really terrified of how I am going to react when that desensitivity drops away. Why would my brain let me think it is okay to have looked at things?
One stream that I spoke about with therapist was about how I am really unhappy about what I might have done in the future if unchecked. I used to 'only' fantasise about sex toys, but then I went and used them. I 'only' used to fantasise about cross dressing or bisexuality, but then I went and practiced that too. So what's to have stopped me having acting on anything really horrible with what I saw in illegal images? She suggests that the other things I did go and act on were legal. That there were no victims. My good conscious self knew that line. I only hope that is the case.
I suppose, being only 4 weeks in to all this, my mind is still settling to the trauma of my world being thrown into turmoil. I am feeling so ready for this fight though.
My wife is still bitterly angry. I keep telling myself that this is natural and that she has to go through her anger. It is so hard though. I haven't seen my baby girls for a month. I haven't seen my teenage son for a month; though he can call and we can speak, which is something. I miss my babies so much. My parents visited wife and family today and they said how one of the girls is properly up walking about. And here I am, not seeing those moments.
I keep wishing for the future me to be able to 'be'. I know I have to go through everything first, but I hope I can somehow be a testament to others in the future. Help other men deal with low sperm counts, IVF, lost babies, secret sexual urges... what ever those things are that are not talked about and give a feed to addictions that eventually take you into areas of illegality.
I got a good pep talk from someone on another support forum. To get out and demonstrate mindfulness, seeing the good things around me, donating my time to others. I feel I might be too early in my journey to do some of the things you mention, but there are little steps I can do. I can stop and give spare change. I can offer help at Salvation Army or Oxfam.
I am not a bad person and god damn it I will show myself that.
Thank you all for letting me talk.
Thank you for your posts, I appreciate them.
It is difficult dragging along at rock bottom. My wife is horrified at what I did and the situation we are in; that I have put us in.
I have started to see a therapist. She is good and I am very comfortable with her. She is a specialist in sexual psychotherapy and of the topic that we're rightly not specifically mentioning.
I have told her things about myself that no one else has ever known. That I have harboured for 30+ years. Not illegal, just sexual thoughts; and it feels such a weight off my soul.
The legal system will take it's course. In the mean time I am trying to focus on one day at a time. some moments are good and more moments are bad, but to get to the end of each day not harbouring any fresh lies or fresh bouts of self loathing feels very nice, even if that serenity goes after a few moments and the depression returns.
As well as the therapist I have got in with Sex Addicts Anonymous who are good. Also some self help from a particular foundation is good too.
My brain is really trying every trick it can. It is flashing me with images and memories, it is trying to get me to letch anyone I walk past, it is trying to get my fingers over the mouse and onto the 'private browsing' browser. When that's failing, it is taking me to the places that the porn and sex escalations were coping mechanisms for. As I read more and more, I think I had the addictions or sexual compulsions for years and years, and my brain loved it when along came some very difficult things that I just didn't cope with at all.
Hell of a horrible mixture.
I took a call this afternoon from a SAA fellow. It feels good to talk with someone who gets it.
I am worried for my wife though. I don't know if she has reached out for any support. I have mailed her some web sites, but she doesn't want to know what I have to say. She is speaking to my parents and my Sister though, and she has said to them that she knows he needs to get some support, so that is the first step. I hate that I have let her down so badly. I hate that I gave myself loads of excuses and lied to myself that what I did wasn't really all that bad.
Thank you for letting me ramble on. I'm trying not to make this all about me; for the sake of my family it is most definitely not just about me, but if I can ramble on about it, then I am not isolated, and this addiction of selfishness can go and do one.
P.
Feeling very nauseous.
Since my wife asked me a first direct question a few days ago about 'Had I done...", we had avoided me answering. Me because I didn't know how to and her probably fearful for the answers.
It has come to a point now; she calmly said that she was going to send me a mail with a number of questions and wanted the answers to know what she was dealing with.
My entire being is urging me to lie, to cover it up, to try and save my marriage.
I'm not nauseous because of that, I'm nauseous because I have answered all of the questions honestly. I've not sent it yet, I think there is more I need to say. I was horrible. I betrayed and lied and hurt this woman who did nothing but love me.
Thoughts keep invading my head. Very close to relapsing, very close to letting the images my brain is giving me start washing over. Definitely need to write.
I spoke last night at SAA with Paul. I asked if he will help me take step 1. He will, I am ready to start.
At another SAA meeting tonight, good to hear Nick and his story. Good to hear Toby talk - I love hearing Toby talk. So many people talk of their 'share' and include the story of a loving and caring other half.
I answered my wife's questions today. They will hurt her and upset her. She might want to divorce me, I don't know where this will end up. I hope she wil lat least see that I have told her the truth. This is the first time I have told her the truth without any lie or secret in the background, hoping that I don't acidentally spill any beans. She knows what I have done and I am scared. Scared what she will do, scared I won't see my children, scared it will rock me to the point of me saying "F**k it, if I have no one then what's the point? I'll relapse as much as I want". My brain wants me to do that; it is killing me to feed it.
I'm going to start my 3 circles. I need to start giving myself some guidance on what is acceptable, what is not, what is a warning.
The internet can do one. I accidentally came across some pictures I took of when I hooked up with someone not my wife. My brain wanted desperately for me to look, start getting the fog and fantasising. I deleted them, they are gone. I then came across some pictures I took to send people; it is at a pretty damining stage when your brain wants you to relapse over photos you took of yourself. I deleted those too.
I finished a nice audio book today. I've been listening to it to/from work the last few days. It is called Flamingo Boy. It's sweet, but brought a lump to my throat. I heard about it on the radio when the author was interviewed; it sounded like something I want to buy for my Son. I have bought a copy and I'm going to write to him inside the cover. I hope he will like it.
Bit of an unstructured ramble. I will try and keep myself busy over Easter weekend. I'm heading to my parents at some point; Mum says Dad is overdoing things so I will have some jobs to do.
Also need to carry on some homework from my therapist. She wants me to list out big things that happened in my life. Not just sexual points, but others too. School changes, deaths in family, moving house. All of it. The more I note down the more I remember. There is a lot of stuff up in my head, lots I had not remembered for a long time.
Sorry, all a bit rambled there. Really just trying to get sordid stuff out of my mind. I don't want to relapse, I want to start helping myself and get rid of unwanted thoughts.
Ok. A slightly calmer day.
Good Friday bank holiday so I was able to turn the alarm off last night and have a lay in. The same and usual morning 'heavy feeling', which I suppose I will have to get used to while all this is so raw.
Did a bit of tidying up and vacuuming which kept me busy. A bit of shopping, got my Son a punch bag so he can hit and kick out his low feelings. I hate I let him down so much but I am determined to show him that it is important to take responsibility for stupid decisions.
Bless the culture of free-refills. Went to a Wetherspoons (bleurgh) and Ikea to while away a few hours for the price of a cuppa. Free wifi and free refills. I suppose they didn't really cater for me :)
No response from my wife today having sent her answers to her questions yesterday. I'm going to try not to read anything into that either way.
My brain is still trying to get me to relapse. It's tried a load of visions and a load of memories. Pleased with my reaction to seeing several attractive people when I was out today. Only 6 weeks ago I would have been turning round, checking them out, leching, fantasising, taking photos on my phone. It's all will power on the wave of shock and trauma, but I'm managing it. I think that if I can last until I start getting tools and techniques from my therapist and through the 12 steps of SAA I might just do it.
I've bought my Son the punch bag as an Easter gift and the girls an easter cuddly toy each. I've asked my wife if I can come and give them personally rather than just leave them at the house when they are out. As I said, nothing yet though.
Did my first phone call to a SAA fellow today. I've taken some calls before but never made one. Thank you Paul, it helped.
My Sister has been asking more specific questions about the things I was arrested for. I know she needs to ask for her, but it actually helps focus my mind too. I think I need to make sure I don't just try and pretend it never happened. I have talked all through it with my therapist; she is great. It's tempting to just tell every bit of everything to everyone, but that's just too much. People don't need to know what's in my head - just me and my therapist.
I told my solicitor what I have done; what I can remember doing. Best I will get is a suspended sentence. My head is already trying to think of what I say to my Son, how I can prepare him for the worst. I'm amazed and happy at how much I have thought of him and how much I love him. I hope I get to see him soon and hug him.
Made it through another day and off to bed shortly.
Thank you all for letting me yak, it helps.
Oh my goodness I felt depressed when I woke up today. When there is something really terrible going on in your life, how is it that your body and mind work you feeling so deeply terrible the moment you wake up? As usual, I woke with an absolute start. Only 6.5 hours sleep despite being so exhausted last night that I basically collapsed into bed.
I have been at my parent's house for Sunday and Monday. I was going to go earlier in the weekend, but was waiting around hoping that my wife would let me see my Son before he went on a school trip, and my girls of course. She didn't respond; she hasn't responded to me since I answered her questions. It was so hard doing that, but I poked the addiction in the eye by being truthful and honest. It is the first time I have really been able to be truthful without worrying that I will let slip some little guilty lie. From that perspective, I win! You hear that, addiction? I won that round.
At Christmas, I bought my niece a little unicorn mug. I knew she would like. Turns out she loves it, absolutely adores it. She kept showing it to her Nan (my mum) today, and Mum relayed this to me. How is it possible for me to act so normally and thoughtfully on one hand, yet on the other hand have this face that is completely preoccupied with sex and porn?!
One really good way to beat this addiction is to give some service. Anything works. I cleaned Mum and Dad's windows today. Really basic thing to do, but it meant Dad didn't have to over-exert himself and Mum didn't have to worry about him. I've told them to leave windows to me from now on, and to create a list of jobs for me to do when I go visit them every three or four weeks.
As I write, my wife has text me. It is not nice reading, she is rightly so angry with me. The current concern is that she and the babies may have STIs. I suppose they will have to be checked out. Babies being tested for STIs - what the f**k was I thinking. This consequence has my feeling so sick, so distressed. Why the f**k did my brain not let me consider these consequences of my behaviour? Why did I never think of the consequences of my behaviour? How does your brain let that happen?!! I am praying that there are no infections. I have been racking my brain, but I am certain that I wore a condom any time I hooked up with anyone. How the hell did I get here?
I spoke to a SAA fellow earlier today. It was a good chat and out of it I started working on creating my inner circle. In it I have hand written a number of behaviours that reflect my alcohol or drug (in AA or DAA terms) and which I intend never to do again. They are all actions or activities. I did that on purpose so that my brain can't trick me, it can't throw an image into my mind which would immediately mean I relapse, it can try that, but to relapse I would have to consciously DO something with the thought. So, I can now get to the end of a day and ask myself "Am I still sober?". I can 100% say yes or no to each of the items in my inner circle. I'm feeling very ready to deal with this.
At the moment I have to park my wife's anger. I cannot do anything about that. I will continue to tell her I love her, I love my Son, I love my girls, that I am and will forever be sorry. But that is all I can do.
At the moment I have to park my offence. I did what I did and there will be consequences for me to face. I am not offending, I have not offended again since Day Zero. I can't do anything about all that at the moment, so I have to park it.
I left my little green SAA pocket book with Mum and Dad to look at. The first chapter, 'Our Addiction' just completely resonates.
I have finished some homework from my therapist. She wanted me to create a small timeline of important events in my life, such as moving house, starting college, grandparents death, losing virginity etc. Started small but my head kept throwing memories at me, some which I was astounded were still in there. So, the 'small' list was 101 items short!! :)
Thank you all for letting me ramble on. It helps, and I hope there might be some readers who take something from it all.
P.
A reasonably quick one; had a session with my therapist today. Got through SO much stuff when she asked how I was and how my week had been. It's no wonder I have been so exhausted. She said that everything in my head - it sounds tiring.
She picked up on the fact that I had not masturbated at all since my day zero, and that in all honesty that doesn't sound very healthy.
Almost every orgasm I have had over the last umpteen years has been based on an 'acting out' behaviour; something that is in my newly created inner circle of things I want never to do again. I said how I was worried that by masturbating I could easily end up doing the inner circle things again. She suggested to differentiate between masturbating and using porn. That masturbating is fine, and probably healthy, but to try without porn and even without thinking of pornography that I have watched.
Instead, to imagine my wife, or a woman (or man) of my imagination and instead fantasise and imagine using my other senses - the smell of the person, the feeling of the person, the touch, the taste and the sound of them talking to me or calling my name. And, importantly, to only do this if I was motivated to just enjoy the action and not be reacting to a trigger.
As she spoke about this, I felt really calm and relaxed, and the thought of doing this because I wanted simply to do it felt very gentle and loving. So different from the reaction of compulsively masturbating as a response to feeling lonely, angry, bored or stressed.
I will keep a small notepad with me and record when I feel this triggers. I will record those and NOT act on them, but I will be gentle to myself and consider healthy action.
Interested to hear other's thoughts on this. I am not abstaining completely from orgasms and I don't plan on ever being celibate, but therapist's suggestion feel okay.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
I hate that my sex and porn addiction was a comfort blanket that was my way to deal with anger, grief, resentment, loneliness, boredom, stress etc etc. Keeping the compulsive behaviours away means that my brain is bombarding me with all those emotions.
Dealing with the biggest one is like it is happening all over again. I am trying to look at it with the perspective that there is this 'higher power' and that by hitting absolute rock bottom means I will be able to deal with the issue properly.
I saw the power of SAA yesterday. I was able to call someone who understands this disease and what it does to you. He had barely answered the phone before I was blubbing, but he understood and that strength gives me strength. One day I will give that strength to others.
I got my first SAA chip. I have created my 'inner circle' behaviours and got a sponsor; I am starting this journey. My inner circle is a list of all my 'bat-shit crazy' behaviours that I commit never to do again. For me, these behaviours go far beyond PMO. These are things to which I lost my morals, my money, my dignity, my time. All of these things I could have used for happiness with my family but instead I was compelled to lose them by acting out.
I'm thankful for others' input in response to what my therapist said about complete celibate style abstinence. My goals are not simply PMO, there is more to it. Abstaining PMO was right in the immediate aftermath, but for me things have now developed a bit. My reboot and nofap is to do with my inner circle and my goal is not to relapse and act them out again. As long as I am honest with my sponsor and myself about whether or not I relapse and act out any of those behaviours; that will be pure abstinence. Of course there has been my brain saying 'thats not really that bad, dont put that in the circle', but I am being focussed on what should and should not be in there and my brain can bog off.
The other evening and yesterday morning my wife sent a couple of emails. She was so horrified for the first days and weeks about my illegal actions that she did not take on board the back catalogue of compulsive behaviours that took me across the line. She is now taking those on and is bitterly pained. Like a hurt animal she is kicking out and she knows me, she know the things to say that are painful to read and really get inside me. I drafted about 5 or 6 replies before calming down. Replying when upset or angry is not good. I told her I love her and that things are my fault, but that I am really and honestly making steps to recover and rebuild, and that I hope she will be some part of my life in the future to see me be a better person.
This afternoon I am going back to the house when she is out. She knows this. She has asked me to collect the dog, who will be going to stay with my parents for a short while. I've only returned indoors once since the immediate aftermath of hitting rock bottom and I cried a lot. Perhaps I will this time too, but we will see.
Thank you for letting me ramble.
Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid. Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal. I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between.
Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon. I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over. My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while.
Took her out for a long walk. Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her. Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later.
Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men". She has said this jokingly all my life. She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed. Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play. I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof.
Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails. Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls. I'll have to increase my list of numbers.
Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers :) I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was. So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house. Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV.
Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink. Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me. She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right. Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right. I've not felt like I've scowled in ages.
As I said, mundane journal entry today. Thank you for letting me ramble.
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GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18
Waking up
Lily the dog
Mum's amusing climb down after comment
The woods near Mum & Dad
The woodpecker
Dogs running and playing together
Pork pie
Dad driving to football
Michelle asking me for drink
Attractive bar maid and no obsessing
Listening ears of parents
Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap'
Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails
Took call from Simon M
Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B
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Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme.
Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago.
One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes. I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over.
What I can do is sort my nonsense out. I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head.
It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected.
I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it.
I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps. Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve. I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me.
Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning. Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath. She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards. But I loved it all!
TODAY’S ACTIVITIES
Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.
Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail). Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon.
Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis.
Read some pages from SAA green book.
TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST
Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English)
Walking Lily the dog
Still, clear, wonderful fresh air
Bathing Lily the dog
Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor
Fresh cooked brunch
Speaking with Kevin
Taking calls from Alan and Simon
Making a mini plan to help Simon
Steak
Mum and Dad’s love
Staying sober for today