my illness is chasing me
I don't know what to do, I have ideas and observations - that capacity has been a lifeline to me in the past - and now maybe has become a bad habit - but right now, the intense pressure is building up and I feel some darkness piling on.
Like I need a kind of release. Is that ok? Is it normal? My friend the Abbess (Nun) told me that we're supposed to live a life of meaning, joy and self sacrifice - but I can't always do that. I can't always do the other either.
I notice things about the way I think. That I have a choice inasmuch how I will behave or believe in what I am experiencing. Choosing the productive path seems to 'get me there' if not first prize..then survival.
Having my brother here has really helped me. It's like he gives me something to live for and I started to see life
as an adventure again with things in it for me to explore and live. He's gone for a week. But having Nina the wonder dog here is helping
me take care of someone - and see the good in that - and feel the great benefit from that...
but I am thinking right now. I thought when I got off from work, I would take care of the dog, have a drink (of which I have done) and would write about my ideas...(which I am now doing.)
I realize at times that I can not no where to stop - with my thoughts and my questioning but those insights that I have found have helped me move forward -I am maybe finding now - that I put on the visors to normalize all the stuff, I don't know. It's like I want to write about it all - but it's too painful and too indulgent. So I will take some deep breaths and try and get back to this journal in a little bit.
Replies
I gave up on the race to outrun my illness. I've come to wonder if it would be easier to outrun my feet. However far and fast I run, I always seem to find those gnarly beasts waiting for me at Destination Further. Don't know if I'll ever get to love the stinky critters, but Insert Billy Holiday croon here. . .
Might as well get used to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, sit down.
Give Nina an arfie arf for me.
thanks so much arfie! it's really disturbing stuff. I feel like I have been kidding myself a bit here - but maybe now it's just time to apply those coping mechanisms, tool box or rationality, call it what you will to my life.
Nina is snoozing - I worry because she's lost her appetite but I did give her a corn chip and she liked that. lol
perhaps I should give her a bowl of salsa to boot.
Deep breaths sweetie..... I agree with Arf that some of it is the illness sweetie... Gentle hug.... Give Nina a big hug...…..xo
thanks Jan!
My Persilly won't eat he dog food for days if I give her so much as a chip of people food. I have always believed that cleaning the dishes was a solemn dog duty. Until I tried riding in a truck cab with bull dog farts. . . That bitch is the master of the super sonic fart.
haha, I wash out the dog bowls for sure...and we used to have a golden retriever who when he would fart it would scare him and he would run away. He was frightened of his own farts! :)lol