my husband completed suicide December 22, 2008
Hi, my name is Debbie. My husband completed suicide December 22, 2008. We had a terrible fight over his meth use and had already lost $50,000 in savings, charged alot on credit cards and lost our home to foreclosure in July of 2008. We then rented a home and he said it would be a new beginning. A couple of weeks before Christmas he mentioned taking our 18' 1976 camper to a friend's lot in the country and living in it. My job was the only source of income and when it was apparent (hallucinations)he was using again I lost my temper. I said horrible things that I can never take back. I told him I hated him and I wanted him dead. I did not mean it, but I said it. I think I wanted him to hurt as much as I did and I was hoping somethimg would snap him to his senses. I was at the end of my rope and wanted him to know that I could not go on like this. Shawn was 59 years old and had been a sniper for the Marines in Vietnam. His sister and I tried to get him help several times but, he refused to admit he had a problem. The last time I saw him was December 20th. Shawn said he gave both our Borzoi to a rescue organization and I didn't believe him. I thought he took them to a friend's house just to scare me. I was wrong. He would usually leave for a couple of weeks and clean himself up and then come home and promise to never use again. On December 23rd I decided to call him because I really wanted him home for Christmas. After all we'd been through, I had always loved him. I left a message on his answer machine. I told him I was sorry and I only said those things because I was so upset. I told him to please come home so we could talk and work it out. I told him I loved him. A sheriff called me back. Shawn went to the foothills and parked his truck. He then ran tubing from his muffler to the cab. My first thought was "how will I be able to live the rest of my life with this guilt"? He had threatened suicide many times while he was using meth and I had called the police in the past. But not this time. Everyday is a struggle. I experience many emotions. Most of the time I experience several emotions at once. Disbelief, shock, guilt, sorrow, loss, numbness and anger are a few. In the beginning I wanted to die. I wanted to go to him and tell him I was sorry. My mind is still so very unclear. I have filed bankruptcy and I had spinal surgery June 2nd for a back injury at work. My children, grandchildren and my ex-husband have gotten me to this point. Without them, I'm not sure I'd be here. I'm sorry this is so long. Please be my friend.
Replies
I\'m so sorry, Hon! It is NOT your fault! The guilt you are feeling is a normal part of the grieving process. NOBODY is at fault in a suicide, only the person\'s illness that forces them to stop the pain inside in whatever way they can. God grant you some comfort and peace. Tight hugs! Judy
OMG. This is the most moving journal entry I have ever read on DS. First of all, let me offer my condolences for your loss. You express yourself very well and I feel I got a real picture the broad \"brush strokes\" of what happened during that terrible time, with the culmination of your husband\'s Dec. 22 suicide. You didn\'t cause your husband to commit suicide. The majority of suicides are a long time in the making. You even said he had threatened suicide many times. He was at risk especially considering his drug use and the impact it had on him, his marriage and his family. Yes. people do say horrible things sometimes in anger, and I am not at all shocked by what you said - you had been through the ringer with this man and were trying to suppport him financially after his meth use cost your savings, your house, and put you two deeply into debt. That is quite a burden and trauma on you, and I can see how you became enraged with him - anyone would have considering those circumstances. This is a tragic turn of events, and I understand the guilt you must be feeling. Are you in therapy? That is a MUST for you! Don\'t be sorry about your journal \"being too long.\" It isn\'t. It is actually quite concise. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could be there in person to offer comfort to you. Please keep writing. Talking lightens things up a bit. We care. I\'d be honored to be your friend.
Warmest of hugs,
Sheila
I am very proud of you for writing your story. Life is so unfair. You will go through many, many emotions. It\'s such a tough journey but you\'re not alone. Continue to open up when you can and never apologize for your long journals. I need to take my own advice I guess! I am so sorry you\'re going through all of this. I really am. Try to find comfort knowing you\'re not alone.
I wanted to say hello, too. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am very sorry for what you\'re going through. Please know that you are NOT alone. So many of us have been affected by a suicide. Joining DS has made it a little easier because there are people here who know what I\'ve been through. I\'m very lucky to have found a couple of dear \'friends\' to talk to. Believe me, it helps talking and writing about what I\'ve been through and what I\'m feeling. And mine happened years ago...way before I ever had a computer. You\'re not alone and if there\'s anything we can do, just let us know.
Take care and be well.
Joanne
Debbie: You are very brave and a very together lady under the circumstances. My brother is a survivor of a suicide attempt, as am I, and it is never a good place to be. I am impressed wih the the strength you DO have even though it sent you down the tubes. You have a very healthy attitude even though you are hurting. Please talk to me ANY time & I will try to be there for you. Glad you are my friend, Gene
We all say things in the heat of the moment, don\'t beat yourself up.Your husband made his selfish choises right up to the end. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!
you and are much alike. My husbands death may have been suicide, I will never know the answers. I struggle with the questions, the second guessing everyday. None of this will change the past. Know that drug addiction does awful things to people. It changes them. The drugs he was on changes the mind. And that is not your fault. I forever will bear the weight of my husbands death upon me too, whether or not it was my fault. The weight I hope will lessen with time. hang in there. your family loves you and supports you and that is awesome
Keep coming back, we are glad to have you! So sorry the addict you loved could not stay clean and that is very awful. I am sorry fo your pain, and we have all said many things to our addicts because....we get to the end our ropes. We are not supeheroes, and we sometimes expect ourselves to be. Keep telling yourself, it was his choice, and try to move forward as you are. My husband\'s dad killed his self when my husband was a senior in highschool. There is always guilt.
I understood so much of what you were saying, thank you for sharing. We all have said things that we would love to take back, you are not alone.