my heads a mess again.wish I had peace.
Is this a call for help.?! Im not sure.
Im so confused by my life at the moment.
How do I feel about him? Im not sure, he confuses me. He flips from addition to disgust and I can't work him out either way. It is exhausting. Am I doing this to myself? Im not sure. I know I am a mess. I snap at him all the time. Im always getting at him. He just annoys me so much all the time. I don't know how to cope with this.
Things have been different since I misfuelled his car. ( sometimes its 'our' car) His reaction was hugely disappointing to me. I thought about not telling him, I thought about telling him and being honest about my day. WRONG choice! He went mental. He demanded I go and get him the money to pay him back what it had cost. He was furious. I was so disappointed he reacted like that. I think I finally saw how things were for me. He had booked a weekend away for us to see my daughter who has just gone to Uni. So he cancelled it, to teach me a lesson he said. I wasn't surprised. But I was sad.
His attitude just completely baffles me. I don't get why you would behave like that. It was an honest mistake, esp as I drive 2 cars which take petrol 9 min and my daughters) his is diesel. Stupid mistake. I know. But his reaction was nasty and spiteful.
I think marriage should be a place where you nurture and help each other. Encourage and motivate the other to do their best and try new things. His attitude is that he is the bread winner and I am the woman who cleans and cooks. He expects me to be available for him when he wants some company to go out and to have sex. He sits on his butt and waits for his dinner. He even told me off this morning for not having cleaned up the kitchen from the night before. he actually told me off. I can't see a way out of this one. I have spent on my credit card to get a business going I am starting next year. I also spend way too much on stuff to make me look and feel better. I have put on 2 stone since I met him so I am always conscious of him not finding me attractive anymore and finding someone else….which would be my fault of course!
I try not to demonise him. He can be kind and thoughtful. H elides to be the one to buy things. In one breath he would call me a fantasist and a liar then buy me a fancy lunch and jewellery or new walking boots for our holiday.
What can I do. Do I talk to him about this - this scares me as I won't be able to save up and pay off my debt if he nows I might be doing that. I work for him too so I cannot support myself. it should be a good life. I am confused as to whether it is my being an emotional mess or if he is lovely really and I just only see the worst in him. I don't know. Im pretty confused. Where do I go from here.?
I have counselling lined up which I hope will help. I wanted to go last year but he wouldn't let me. I started to go but I couldn't afford it without asking him. SO I plucked up the courage to ask him and he said all I needed was him. He likes me being broken I think.
Im really struggling with my PTSD at the moment. I can't bear him near me. We are going away soon for a week in Wales. Last time we did this it was lovely. He was actually nice to me and cooked all week, then when we came home it was back to servitude for me. He knows Im not happy I think. He won't change I don't suppose. I can see how he got divorced so many times. I was just talking to him and in the middle of my sentence he picked up his keys and got up to go. He does this all the time. He watches a movie without asking me if I would like that one. He doesn't pause it while I go to make a drink. He is just wrapped pup in himself. How the hell can I make this work?
Im so confused by my life at the moment.
How do I feel about him? Im not sure, he confuses me. He flips from addition to disgust and I can't work him out either way. It is exhausting. Am I doing this to myself? Im not sure. I know I am a mess. I snap at him all the time. Im always getting at him. He just annoys me so much all the time. I don't know how to cope with this.
Things have been different since I misfuelled his car. ( sometimes its 'our' car) His reaction was hugely disappointing to me. I thought about not telling him, I thought about telling him and being honest about my day. WRONG choice! He went mental. He demanded I go and get him the money to pay him back what it had cost. He was furious. I was so disappointed he reacted like that. I think I finally saw how things were for me. He had booked a weekend away for us to see my daughter who has just gone to Uni. So he cancelled it, to teach me a lesson he said. I wasn't surprised. But I was sad.
His attitude just completely baffles me. I don't get why you would behave like that. It was an honest mistake, esp as I drive 2 cars which take petrol 9 min and my daughters) his is diesel. Stupid mistake. I know. But his reaction was nasty and spiteful.
I think marriage should be a place where you nurture and help each other. Encourage and motivate the other to do their best and try new things. His attitude is that he is the bread winner and I am the woman who cleans and cooks. He expects me to be available for him when he wants some company to go out and to have sex. He sits on his butt and waits for his dinner. He even told me off this morning for not having cleaned up the kitchen from the night before. he actually told me off. I can't see a way out of this one. I have spent on my credit card to get a business going I am starting next year. I also spend way too much on stuff to make me look and feel better. I have put on 2 stone since I met him so I am always conscious of him not finding me attractive anymore and finding someone else….which would be my fault of course!
I try not to demonise him. He can be kind and thoughtful. H elides to be the one to buy things. In one breath he would call me a fantasist and a liar then buy me a fancy lunch and jewellery or new walking boots for our holiday.
What can I do. Do I talk to him about this - this scares me as I won't be able to save up and pay off my debt if he nows I might be doing that. I work for him too so I cannot support myself. it should be a good life. I am confused as to whether it is my being an emotional mess or if he is lovely really and I just only see the worst in him. I don't know. Im pretty confused. Where do I go from here.?
I have counselling lined up which I hope will help. I wanted to go last year but he wouldn't let me. I started to go but I couldn't afford it without asking him. SO I plucked up the courage to ask him and he said all I needed was him. He likes me being broken I think.
Im really struggling with my PTSD at the moment. I can't bear him near me. We are going away soon for a week in Wales. Last time we did this it was lovely. He was actually nice to me and cooked all week, then when we came home it was back to servitude for me. He knows Im not happy I think. He won't change I don't suppose. I can see how he got divorced so many times. I was just talking to him and in the middle of my sentence he picked up his keys and got up to go. He does this all the time. He watches a movie without asking me if I would like that one. He doesn't pause it while I go to make a drink. He is just wrapped pup in himself. How the hell can I make this work?
Replies
I\'m glad you are going to start counseling. I think it is pretty obvious that this man has a personality disorder. He will NOT change. Ever. No matter how much you want him to. He is abusive and the longer you stay, the more brainwashed you will become, the lower your self esteem will get. That is all part of the abuser\'s plan to keep you dependent on him. I think if you could tear yourself away from him long enough, you could see that you don\'t NEED him. There\'s not much to miss about this relationship. Start buying some self esteem books and working on building your self esteem. Stop looking to him for reassurance because he\'ll never give it. He can never be what you deserve. No matter how long you stay. Some women stay with men like this their ENTIRE lives. They never get to be happy because they were too afraid to leave. Don\'t be one of those.
I just can\'t see how I would manage. I plan to save and clear my debts but I keep spending to make myself feel happier. I don\'t have any money that he doesn\'t allow me to have so its awkward. I cant YET see how my life would be.
Thanks for your support AS. hope you ok xxx
And that\'s exactly what abusers do, they keep you financially dependent on them so you can\'t leave. My neighbor is abusive. His wife and kids are like prisoners. In fact, that\'s what I refer to them as. His wife was nearly 40 when she finally got her drivers license and he only allowed that because the kids were old enough to start school and we don\'t have school buses. She NEVER leaves the house unless he takes her somewhere. She\'s locked in there 24/7, even during the beautiful summer days. The furthest she\'ll venture is into the fenced, tiny backyard. These kids ride their bikes in the backyard, instead of the sidewalk like normal kids. They have to ride in tiny circles in the dirt back yard. They never interact with neighbors. She has no friends. No visitors. She\'s completely brainwashed at this point. Totally dependent on him. Do you want this to be your life? Forever? Do whatever it takes to get away from this.
sorry for all the typos in there.
I don\'t know where to begin with leaving him.
I was going to wait until I had some therapy and could be sure it wasn\'t me, my view of this, that I am somehow distorting it all. But you are right the more time goes by the more normal this is to me. and I know thats not normal!