My habit

So I started drinking when I was teenager and then it got worse over time I went to treatment and got "better" for a long time then I got sad because everyone was like hey your fixed. Like am I broken? Then I started feeling sad all the time like do people really think I'm broken or damaged but no body can tell me what normal is.! So years yes years went by I had surgery for weight loss and then turned 21 ps weight loss surgery plus booze =s drunk very quickly I felt sick for days then I felt better and I went out again and I was able to control it for a while but then I wasn't so I stopped simple right wrong then I started to drink alone and I was like nope this is wrong so I stopped and started and stopped and started sometimes going years but then I got pregnant and breastfed so I drink because now I'm a mom and mommies don't drink right? So I went through depression after my first son and then I got pregnant again, so my mom had be secretly drinking for years and I tired and was unable to help her because really I couldn't really help myself, 3 months after my second son was born mom died alone after pushing everyone away, depression hit hard but I was a second time new mom with two boys under whoa that will keep "not" sober haha bad joke because no one tells you that it's the hardest job in the whole world and it's harder still then you think it's going to be so I was doing so good for along time then little "episodes" would happen maybe hubby is home for a couple days lay in bed and drink fine for a couple of months then another to where I was doing what mom had done and as mad at me as people are that I do it I am more disappointed in myself! So I'm finally starting to go see doctors and AA meetings but I scared