My Gambling Testimony

MY  GAMBLING TESTIMONYHello people,  How did I stop gambling and stay stopped . I dont know, it just happened. My story is no diferent to anybody else,s who has this ongoing emotional and mental disorder of being addicted to gambling.I felt there would be no hope of me, ever, to give up gambling. Over the years I tried everything to stop. Gave up my job in a club, attending meetings, used strategies i was given, no access to keycards and credit cards, phoning friends of GA and AA (no meetings here for GA) So I attended meetings at AA for 12+ years. Nothing worked because I hadnt let it! Honesty with myself was sadly lacking and being in denial, kept leading me to relapse after relapse, which only set me back more and more, so the helplessness that I experienced, became part of my miserable life.In September of 97 I attempted suicide but I was saved by an inuitive friend, where I was staying. I had decided after another miserable night out gambling, that I had had enough and this was the best thing I could do for everyone. Consequently this lead to my first attempt at a proffesional, clinical approach to rehabilitation, a programme  at Flinders Medical Centre, South Australia. Three weeks later, after a new form of approach to therapy, developed by Professor Isaccs a UK dimentia specialist,  I was an out patient, and had a wonderful therapist. Yet again I started to gamble the money I,de saved by being in hospital.  Always on poker machines, rarely did I gamble on horses or cards.... no interest.  In 1998 in January I had a car accident that left me feeling very lucky to be alive, and  although I didnt really have a life that I felt was worth living I survied. My gambling had eaten into 3 of my familys bank accounts, and my addiction had eaten into my brain. So much so that I beacmae more submerged in alcohol, drugs and denied mysef most things people take for granted. Food,paying bills, and respect of my family,  finally diminished.All but my Aunt disowned me,  leaving me with  almost no support except her. My thinking was distorted, I ignored my health and even on crutches after my accident I still continued gamble. The drugs and alcohol were to numb and dull the effects of gambling. Within the next 2 years I was evicted from my home, sold my car for a rediculous price and created an impregnable road away from my family, again, except for my Aunt. One of the emotional lies I used to tell myself was that someone else could always fix my gambling debts and give me more money to keep on gambling. Till finally the wells ran dry. My mother died in october 1999  and I  was evicted from my home in December 31st 1999.welcome to the  year 2000.. It had absolutely had no meaning for me.I still had nowhere to go as i was too out of it to do such complicated things, like find another place to live.I was supposed to inherit my mothers house but owing to also going bankrupt in 1999 as well, my sister,s took charge of the estate  and i lost it. Consequently because of my attitude, and blindness to the real cause of my situation, I fought with my 2 sisters for my mothers house believing it to be mine. 48 hours prior to my being evicted they finally agreed to rent mums house (as they bought it), to me. I lived in it for 12 months and my sister asked me to leave wanting the house for one of her daughters. I wasnt paying rent on time, if at all and I was angry most of the time if I saw my sister and any of my family. I decided that my only option I could see then, was to live with my aging aunt.I was able to store my stuff next door in a neighbors shed next to my aunt, so for the while I was ok.My gambling and dependecy did not relent. There was some change in my gambling habit, and my drinking and drugging stopped for long enough to became somewhat clearer about what i had to do.  I had heard of another rehab centre in Sydney called Odyssey House. They too had  gambling rehab programmes, so in desperation, I decided to give it a go. I had nothing to lose.It was then, December 2001, after 12 mnths with my Aunt, left for Odyssey House.  It was a gruelling time, but mixing with people who were recovering from all 3 addictions, (me included) I felt like i wasn't alone anymore and could identify with the residents as just normal pple with complicated problems, like me. Leaving Odyssey House I returned home for the last time in June 2002. I spent the next 3 years or so, like a hermit. Keeping to myself  and living in my room for up to 14 hours a day just surfacing for meals at my Aunts. Once a fornight I would sneak out with an excuse and go to the clubs to gamble on pension day.Living  this non exitantant hermits life, drugs and alcohol soon found their way back into my miserable life.Over the next few year I gradually started to come to terms with my life and my gambling started to subside. Not totally but I was beginning to see a light. In feb 2004, hope came in the way of the house next door to my Aunt's place where I'd stored my belongings in thier shed.... it came up for rent. I thought it was a god send but how on earth could I afford it. I just knew that I had to get out of my Aunts place as it and she and her cat were driving me bananas..... literally!  So I applied for the house from the real estate office, and got it. I did have a job too, but after 4 weeks, tossed it in. I was not yet ready to handle real money, as it was another part of the process I had to learn, and am still learning it today. The real value of money meant nothing to me in the past, but I have clawed and struggled  my way back, and finally found a peace that at 58 means more to me than money. I take each day as it comes, gamble free, and know that my higher power has been with me all along just waiting to gently make me feel whole again. All i had to do was stop. Like I said at the beginning, I dont know how I stopped, it was a combination of everthing, that finally added up in my life. My wonderful life now, where I pay bills on time, budget money, have money leftover and appreciate the simple things in my life. If I was to say anything about how I stopped.. I stopped searching for the big win and transformed my obsession of trying to attain money gambling, by just letting it go, and letting my higher power in to guide me to the luck of each day. Not the luck of gambling. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.   May the same Higher Power enter and guide and heal, those who allow it to. Peace and blessings to all fellow recovering Gamblers and those, who are searching for help. Yours in faith,Vincent 13   xoxox(PS:This was my story up until 2005 I started having relapses last december  of 08 and have been on shakey ground since then. I am feeling each day out as it comes now, and knew I needed to get help. Finally was lead to here. I have my inner peace back again,after reading others posts and journals have some degree of sanity back.I still feel vulnerable and under attack some days, but thats to be expected in  recovery.I know my feelings towards gambling will subside now, and I know I can deal with the demons on a daily basis, the same way that kept me free  before I busted.Thanx again for all your support and welcoming into the group.TC Yours In FaithVincent13 xoxox(Its been a week this friday since I last gambled.)