my first entry
this is my first time on here and i just recently found out that my husband has been seeking advice here so i figured id do the same. my marriage has been destroyed by acts on both our parts and it is very difficult, for the both of us. i dont think i can put it all on here at one time but it sure would be nice to get some nonjudgmental advice or points of view from someone who has gone thru the same.my heart aches everyday for what we have both done and what we've lost
Replies
Sometimes it good to test the waters - you\'ve come to the right place. The thing is - I have not seen judgmental people hear on DS. They will advise or suggest another board to you if they feel you\'re not on the right one. But that\'s to help you - so you can get the support where you need it. You\'re not alone. Coming here was your first step.
We\'re all here to try to rebuild parts of our lives, our broken self-esteem, our messed up relationships, and mostly to find our true selves. People are very honest here and \"calls em like we sees em,\" but keep in mind that most (all) of us our here because of breakdowns in communications, secrets, and unspoken feelings. So don\'t expect a lot of sugar-coating, but we truly do care and want to help you find your way, as best as we know how from our experiences. I guess that\'s really what it come down to, trying to help each other because it makes our pain just a little less.
I think I would have just eventually melted away if I hadnt found this site, where I\'ve gotten such great advice when I needed it, or a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen while I throw a temper tantrum. There are lots of great people here, take advantage.
The flip side of that is you can also offer advice from your experiences, which also will help you see things sometimes in a different light, and ultimately makes you feel better when you can also help others. At least for me anyway.
So, welcome!
You\'ve come to the right place, Gave. Based on what you\'re saying, you must be the CS (cheating spouse) and that\'s okay to be here as long as you\'re sincere and truly interested in healing... no more inflicting damage to your BS (betrayed spouse.) Don\'t worry about the abbreviations here. By the end of next week you\'ll be very familiar with just about all of them. Here\'s a list from a post a while ago that you\'ll find helpful as you\'re reading all the posts:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/8131622-abbreviations
Cheaters Anonymous is also a group you should consider joining:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous
I think I know who your spouse is. You both made choices that contributed to this situation, true. Yes, things are in a shambles, but are you truly convinced your marriage is irreparable? If you both want a chance to reconcile, would you try? What have you both done to heal in a healthy way instead of dragging each other down? Marriage counseling is highly recommended, even if things permanently go south. At least you\'ll both gain some perspective and direction on how to proceed whether you stay together or not.
But you do need to own up to your ulitimate decision to stray as a means of escaping your stressful life. Let\'s face it, you won the lottery jackpot for stressful situations.. big ones at that. I can understand why people would snap under the circumstances you\'re in. But I also think that there\'s an opportunity here that you both haven\'t taken advantage of yet. Walking away from this marriage will temporarily fix things. And the issues within yourselves will rear their ugly heads again. Why not take the time to fall back into love by loving yourself in productive, positive ways?
Anyway, I\'m looking at the clock and I think I\'ll turn in for bed now. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join, but at least you can have friends here to keep you going, no matter what the outcome.
Good luck, and we\'ll be seeing you around. :)
Grrr gotta love ds and its multiple postings :)
ok, here goes nothing and everything.....yes i am the cheater. i did it for many reasons none of then right. my entire situation should have been handled much better than it was. i was lost and in deep despair over the loss of many wanderful things in my marriage. i tried to talk to my H but i was always ignored.he figured ignore it and itll go away. it never did and i snapped. i was never perfect, nor will i ever be....i lost everything i had that was good with the exception of our kids. now i dont know if we could ever have anything near what we once did but i do want to at least be able to get passed everything and raise the kids together. we always made a great team when i came down to it but how can we take the best care of the kids and mend anything between us if there is no communication or trust. which there is none on both sides.
You\'re both hurting. I know it\'s hell to even admit to the affair. My husband would\'ve preferred to crawl under a rock, too. It\'s almost as if you feel you don\'t have the right to feel crappy, which makes it worse.
But, like I said before, as long as you\'re sincere, respectful, and truly interested in healing, this is a great forum for support and perspective. Getting past this to raise the kids together means dealing with the issues that got you two into this mess. There is no sweeping of issues under the rug. You\'re not doing the kids any favors by remaining in a loveless, tension-filled marriage.
Do you both love each other? Is there any spark left? With a lot of hard work, I mean really really hard work, it is possible to get past this in even better shape than ever. I know, I looked at our marriage counselor like she was on crack when she told us that six months ago, but I\'m just now beginning to see the possibility.
Are you two willing to try? If not for each other, for the kids?
honestly, no i dont think there is any spark left and for good reasons. i found this site open on H laptop and i had the opportunity to read everything he put on here. made me sick to see it all. i was painted to be no more than a whore in his eyes and all his supporters were only informed of his side. after reading what he put on here then thinking back on how it was for our first sexual encounter after we decided to try and fix things, which for me was more like a rape(which i told him this) i am now more aware than ever that is was a rape no matter if i consented to the act or not. i think back on the bruises and all the pain i had afterword and am now convinced that i was nothing more to him than a whore....after realizing this i now wander what if anything we do have left. i have cried for days now over all this...his abandonment of our relationship to my affair. i see him in a very different light now, and at this moment its a worse light than i ever saw him in. yesterday was so painful for me( i read the journals he made that night ) all i wanted to do was die and i didnt care how.
How long has it been since the discovery (DD)? Take things a day at a time. You may see things differently in a month or a year. At least that\'s what I\'m hoping for! And that\'s what they tell me on this site and in the books. Good luck and thanks for opening up.
im sorry what is a DD?
Dday, actually. Discovery (of the affair) day. How are you doing today, hon? How you\'re better.
*hope
Are you still in contact with your affair partner?
the truth is that yes i am. he was always such a big part of my life, a very good friend for near 20 years. i am the one that caused all this and i am still very much attatched to him. he is my 20 year old security blanket and a huge part of me says the second i let him go i will be alone. i cant handle that, i spent way to long feeling alone in a house that is so full. i know this will make people mad but this is where i am right now.
also if this helps to understand where me and the H are at, we did agree on a seperation and just try to get a friendship back and i dont hold back on where im going or who with. its all out in the open.