my filter

very confused by what my mind served up this morning. I went to church to set up,

my coworker, Sister G, forgot to set her alarm so I was there doing the work when I realized

she wasn't around - so I called her and she said she'll be right down.

I don't know what I want to figure out but it's like I stopped putting my expectations

on others today - felt bristling attitudes within me for having nothing to hold onto for not having a familar sense of things -

I wondered if others were experiencing bristling tensions and feelings first thing in the morning like this?

Usually I am really sunny and excited in the morning - but the sisters definitely are not. So sober all the time.

I saw how petty shit can get here at timess too. Everyone is staring at each other

and critiquing their performance - I hear it about my own performance all that time - 

but everyone is making mistakes constantly - no big whoop - the critique shit kind of kills

it for me. But I find myself getting petty at times

too and I started to chock it up to human nature in the face of looking for Christ's approval?

I recalled how I saw on the news some Greek Orthodox Priests and some Armenian Priests

we cleaning different sides of a sacred church in Jerusalem - and they were so petty and revved up

they started to fight each other with their broom sticks. It made me laugh -so silly I thought.

The shit people were serving today, again, it doesn't sit well with me but perhaps it's just the nature of the

the monastic life. I have my own filter for the way I would like to be

around others - and that's me - others here may just live for the rules. Not sure - I can't judge well

or want to judge maybe. It just felt like really sour lemons today - like just a lot of tempest in a teapot

and meaningless and a little gross. The memory of my last conversation with my Dad last night haunted me too.

I felt like I had missed the mark with him emotionally - it nearly always feels that way - that i've let him down emotionally

or on the flip side, I've been on the receiving end of being powered down.

I wonder if the emotional violence we experienced in our family has influenced my choice of monastic life -

or has influenced my interest in it and the path of a very solo life.... since college I was interested in the Jesuits.

It stood for sanctuary- it stood for stability and safety and intrigue.

I really thought being a jesuit would be cool because you got to be a scholar.....and a cleric....

but I"m not catholic - it would have been a much greater journey

for me to convert and study a wholey brand new field (wholey a holy) :).

But then after service I thought about Dad and it's like I made it a self fulfilling prophesy within

me - like I gave my heart to the great beyond - because I wasn't quite giving enough -

my soul is wrenched I feel like nothing. Thankfully I have therapy today. I'll talk to her about it.