My fears and sadness are becoming my closest friends....

So, a lot has happened.... I don't want to get into most of it and am going to be leaving a lot out.. But.. Aside from the usual family drama and them making me feel even more like shit.. He reached out to me tonight. We played video games and talked til almost 3am... I had written this LONG entry.. About how scared I am of getting hurt.. Because I let him in tonight.. In some ways that are big for me... In return, he did seem... Different.. The vibe felt different. He seems more interested.. And he actually talked to me about stuff that he was excited about and how he wanted me there so he could show me some.. Comments about how he wanted me there to sleep with him. And not in a sexual way.. xD But actually fall asleep, which he hasn't said anything like that in like.... over a year?  Took me by surprise a little bit.. Tonight it just felt.. Better.. It felt more like HE wanted to talk to me. Like HE didn't really want the conversation to end.. Like HE was putting in just a bit more effort to be a part of my life. But I'm so scared.. Because I really don't want to get hurt by him again.. He's let me down soo many times.. I'm not sure if I can go through that again.. But.. I feel stuck.. Because, I can't just open up to someone like I did him then shut down and push them away.. He's got me wrapped around his finger.. And I'm not sure if he really understands how easy it would be for him to break me again.... I love him.. I want HIM... But.. How long til he turns around and pushes me away again..? I feel like I am falling apart right now.. SO much has happened... So much keeps going wrong.. I've been screwing up soooo much... I don't want to do something to screw this up again.. I need him right now... And I'd give up almost anything to be asleep next to him right now.... Even if only for a night.. I just don't want to be alone right now.. I'm tired of crying and feeling like crap.. I need someone... Honestly right now.. I'd be fine with almost anyone.. Whether it was texting, a call, skype, in person.. I don't even care.. But being alone.. Thinking.. It's too much right now.. I'm falling apart......