My devil(s) inside me
Dear DS diary,
Typing this as I'm letting my antivirus give my lappy a tune-up (yes, it lets me do that). Kinda don't really want to look into getting a new one right now.
This has been a difficult week, first with the brutal St. Patrick's Day nightmare (previous entry), and now with confessions that I made to my life coach this week. This is going to be one long entry.
In a nutshell, it does point to the people issues I have.
It goes back a very long way. I don't think I've ever conceded this in a DS journal, but at the age of around 2 or 3, I was diagnosed with cerebal palsy -- very slow in developing, I was -- and there was concern that I wouldn't be able to walk. It resulted in pretty extensive physical therapy. The PT aspect I don't think about much anymore, since it's basically part of my life now, having a form of arthritis and all).
This was pretty bad, but getting an Asperger's (mild autism) diagnosis during grade school (I couldn't have been more than 10 when this happened) was worse. I was too young to really comprehend what having both of these really meant, but...
...somehow, somewhere, it registered deep insde. I basically was an outcast as far as general society was concerned. And it took more than twenty years for me to come to the realization that "normal" is at most a subjective term. Which was far too long to immediately reverse what it's done to me as a person.
It's exhibited itself in several ways. It started with me being particularly cagey...exactly what that entails is escaping my memory now. But I can tell you that it was an early form of me wanting to push people away. I don't think it was conscious. It most likely was my heart being beet red with anger over this double diagnosis that felt like two crosses I would pretty much have to bear forever.
Over the years various events have taken place -- high school in general was the biggest culprit with who the heck knows how many scary moments involved -- that have only reinforced the feeling that people cannot be trusted and should be pushed away. There are way too many of these to mention in one journal entry, but the few friends I have know about enough of them that they need not be explained again. What matters is that retriggers come every few months to these like clockwork. I've basically come to the conclusion that these things are a permanent part of me because the memories are showing no signs of going away.
The end result is that it's been virtually impossible for me to be people neutral anymore. It's a good day when I don't come up with a really sarcastic comment or otherwise bruise someone's ego. For the most part, I don't know allies, only enemies. There are only a handful of exceptions; the number of people who I can comfortably call my real friends I can count on one hand. None of them live within Massachusetts borders, and a couple don't even live in the US.
Because experience has taught me that the world is an unsafe place, exposure to new places and new things has been and always will be a scary proposition for me, more than it is for most people. My guard has to be up all the time, and it's no secret that I have days when I wish I was armed. I'm afraid to tell people that I don't think there's a chance I will let said guard down ever again...I don't feel safe if it's not up. And yet I'm having a hard time accepting this, even though it's quite clearly my reality now.
I had hoped that my people issues would resolve themselves when I went to get my AS in paralegal studies from Bunker Hill Community College. That didn't happen; all I could sense was danger in people. It's built up inside of me too long. I try to out it from time to time but support wasn't there when I needed it (parents), so it feels as though me-against-the-world is now my day-to-day reality.
Typing this as I'm letting my antivirus give my lappy a tune-up (yes, it lets me do that). Kinda don't really want to look into getting a new one right now.
This has been a difficult week, first with the brutal St. Patrick's Day nightmare (previous entry), and now with confessions that I made to my life coach this week. This is going to be one long entry.
In a nutshell, it does point to the people issues I have.
It goes back a very long way. I don't think I've ever conceded this in a DS journal, but at the age of around 2 or 3, I was diagnosed with cerebal palsy -- very slow in developing, I was -- and there was concern that I wouldn't be able to walk. It resulted in pretty extensive physical therapy. The PT aspect I don't think about much anymore, since it's basically part of my life now, having a form of arthritis and all).
This was pretty bad, but getting an Asperger's (mild autism) diagnosis during grade school (I couldn't have been more than 10 when this happened) was worse. I was too young to really comprehend what having both of these really meant, but...
...somehow, somewhere, it registered deep insde. I basically was an outcast as far as general society was concerned. And it took more than twenty years for me to come to the realization that "normal" is at most a subjective term. Which was far too long to immediately reverse what it's done to me as a person.
It's exhibited itself in several ways. It started with me being particularly cagey...exactly what that entails is escaping my memory now. But I can tell you that it was an early form of me wanting to push people away. I don't think it was conscious. It most likely was my heart being beet red with anger over this double diagnosis that felt like two crosses I would pretty much have to bear forever.
Over the years various events have taken place -- high school in general was the biggest culprit with who the heck knows how many scary moments involved -- that have only reinforced the feeling that people cannot be trusted and should be pushed away. There are way too many of these to mention in one journal entry, but the few friends I have know about enough of them that they need not be explained again. What matters is that retriggers come every few months to these like clockwork. I've basically come to the conclusion that these things are a permanent part of me because the memories are showing no signs of going away.
The end result is that it's been virtually impossible for me to be people neutral anymore. It's a good day when I don't come up with a really sarcastic comment or otherwise bruise someone's ego. For the most part, I don't know allies, only enemies. There are only a handful of exceptions; the number of people who I can comfortably call my real friends I can count on one hand. None of them live within Massachusetts borders, and a couple don't even live in the US.
Because experience has taught me that the world is an unsafe place, exposure to new places and new things has been and always will be a scary proposition for me, more than it is for most people. My guard has to be up all the time, and it's no secret that I have days when I wish I was armed. I'm afraid to tell people that I don't think there's a chance I will let said guard down ever again...I don't feel safe if it's not up. And yet I'm having a hard time accepting this, even though it's quite clearly my reality now.
I had hoped that my people issues would resolve themselves when I went to get my AS in paralegal studies from Bunker Hill Community College. That didn't happen; all I could sense was danger in people. It's built up inside of me too long. I try to out it from time to time but support wasn't there when I needed it (parents), so it feels as though me-against-the-world is now my day-to-day reality.
Replies
My heart goes out to you.
We have talked about this before.
Remember the articles I send you on Asperger\'s please reread them again. You are RIGHT when you say normal is subjective. None of us is normal or truly healthy. It doesn\'t matter if you have an illness or just too much baggage.
The most important thing is too STOP beating yourself up for who you are. Its a fact of your mind.or body or illness. This is how you are. It can be overcome with hard work. But I think the key is too stop hating yourself for how you are. Its not your fault
unlike me who has all my issues and no real reason for them. I can\'t get over them either. At least you have a valid reason.
You are valid and the things you think and feel are valid . I really want you to hear that and know that it ok and you can work on it if you choose too.
love and hugs my dear dear friend.