My Daughter's Sexual Abuse
I found myself writing another speech for communications class this time. It was an informative speech about me and the event that formed the person I am. I would love to be able to write a different speech, but in truth this was the defining moment of my life. I suppose I could fib and write about something different, but no, not really. Since her abuse, I find that I have to speak about her abuse. My speech was about how after such an event in your life, you really learn the need to speak, to share knowledge and not to stay silent.
It is so painful sometimes to relive it over and over in these cases, but I think it has to be said. Someone else posted today how angry they were that one of the kids told others of the abuse in their family. I understand the anger. What really sucks about the anger is that it is not directed towards your child. It is directed towards society and people in general that make it not okay for your kid to talk about what has been a truth in their lives. Initially, when my daughter was around 11 at a sleepover, she was innocently asked about her dad. And yes, as an adult, we would choose this reply, "my parents are divorced and he is not a part of our lives". Because we know and understand the b.s. that is society, the consquences and what is deemed appropriate to really talk about. But, my daughter honestly answered he was in prison. Of course, then the kids want to know why, and even as my daughter tries to back off, it's too late, they're curious and pushing. So, she tells why, that he had been abusive. Of course, then they want to know how. As my daughter told me later, she realized way too late....and they kept pushing and pushing and pushing until they had way TOO many details and yep, I got a call at 2 a.m. to pick her up.
Of course, it was all politically correct. The parents, of course, understood and were very sorry, but there were other kids there too and who knew how their parents would react. To this, I'm going to say a big BULLSHIT, because this family disappeared from our lives too. These kids are forced to downplay, lie and avoid the reality, the truth of their lives because it's just too damned uncomfortable to talk about. OMG!! What if other parents actually had to talk to their kids about sexual abuse!!!
So, as a parent, I try to normalize this for my daughter and that each family has their own values, boundaries, rights and just like you are quiet in church out of respect, you also respect their home and views. And yeah, she understood, and yeah, life went on and it was okay, but in truth, I can't do it and shouldn't have to do it. And a young child sure as hell shouldn't have to. So, no matter how painful it is to write a speech on the event that formed who I am, it is the truth and I will speak it. I will speak it loud and clear in the hopes that it will touch another life, that it will make a difference to one person I can touch along the way, to support, to help and to be okay.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said once that this generations regret would not be in the hurtful words of the bad people, but in the appalling silence of the good people. To this, I can only agree.
It is so painful sometimes to relive it over and over in these cases, but I think it has to be said. Someone else posted today how angry they were that one of the kids told others of the abuse in their family. I understand the anger. What really sucks about the anger is that it is not directed towards your child. It is directed towards society and people in general that make it not okay for your kid to talk about what has been a truth in their lives. Initially, when my daughter was around 11 at a sleepover, she was innocently asked about her dad. And yes, as an adult, we would choose this reply, "my parents are divorced and he is not a part of our lives". Because we know and understand the b.s. that is society, the consquences and what is deemed appropriate to really talk about. But, my daughter honestly answered he was in prison. Of course, then the kids want to know why, and even as my daughter tries to back off, it's too late, they're curious and pushing. So, she tells why, that he had been abusive. Of course, then they want to know how. As my daughter told me later, she realized way too late....and they kept pushing and pushing and pushing until they had way TOO many details and yep, I got a call at 2 a.m. to pick her up.
Of course, it was all politically correct. The parents, of course, understood and were very sorry, but there were other kids there too and who knew how their parents would react. To this, I'm going to say a big BULLSHIT, because this family disappeared from our lives too. These kids are forced to downplay, lie and avoid the reality, the truth of their lives because it's just too damned uncomfortable to talk about. OMG!! What if other parents actually had to talk to their kids about sexual abuse!!!
So, as a parent, I try to normalize this for my daughter and that each family has their own values, boundaries, rights and just like you are quiet in church out of respect, you also respect their home and views. And yeah, she understood, and yeah, life went on and it was okay, but in truth, I can't do it and shouldn't have to do it. And a young child sure as hell shouldn't have to. So, no matter how painful it is to write a speech on the event that formed who I am, it is the truth and I will speak it. I will speak it loud and clear in the hopes that it will touch another life, that it will make a difference to one person I can touch along the way, to support, to help and to be okay.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said once that this generations regret would not be in the hurtful words of the bad people, but in the appalling silence of the good people. To this, I can only agree.
Replies
Such mature and honest post, Raniagale. There can be no other way. If someone else does not like truth and honesty then they themselves have something they are hiding or in denial about.
Good for you for writing about this and thank you for sharing and entrusting us with your truth. I admire the way you handled the situation with your daughter - in no way making her feel guilty or taking on the responsibility of other peoples\'s behaviours - I\'m sure she has enough emotion to contend with. You are an amazing Mom!
Let us know how your speech went.
X R
Raniagale ... please research this. There is a reason therapist are confidential. Some things are personal .
Abuse is people business but an individual experience is confidential /personal. There should be a boundary here.
On the side of the fact that people who have been molested .. taking back their rights and putting the shame where it belongs I greatly admire your tenacity and your intention.
My mothers story is such that my grand mother found out that my great grand father was molesting my mother. She had a huge infrection around the age of 3/4 and taken to the doctor.
When my grandmother went to my great grand mothers home to spill the truth... she was furious ... as my grandmother went off in her mothers house ... my great grand mother proceeded to shut all blinds and close all windows. It was something to cover up ... my great grandmother didn\'t exactly have the means to divorce since it was depression era and the only income was great grand fathers.
Knowing my mother and what her psychology is here today due to the fact that it was never dealt with in a healthy manner for the exception of taking my mother out of my great grandmother home ... well, It created her life... really!
I am well aware of this deep dark secret and how it light must be shed. I am only thinking of the worst possible out come as in... there is some one in your class, she tells two friends ... kids hear and then stuff is said from the wrong mouths and your daughter has to deal with it. Tough stuff. Just consider the audience when speaking about stuff that can be used the wrong way and IS ! Precisely why it is personal meaning speaking up on abuse is one thing but personal story is different. That seems to be my point above . This is not to say your story is not crucial in terms of educating ... just that speaking about it can be done in other ways.
When something incredibly vulnerable is put fourth often enough it draws people defenses. Knowing this is taking in account the audience and its quality of receptivity as well as emotional intelligence..
Just speaking against abuse can be powerful to get the message across. Including the specifics of your daughter I still do not think is exactly the best option for this kind of predicament. Again ... research, get your therapist opinion.
Hugs n Luv to you my dear. xo Sun
I didn\'t directly speak about my daughter\'s abuse outside of it being the tragic event that formed the person I am today. I talked about the sound of silence. The part about my daughter included our family finding our voices, healing and sharing knowledge with others.
I get a lot of rambling going on late at night and kind of combine ideas that are really separate - that being the speech and my private thoughts about how shamed victims can be made to feel.
After that sleepover, my daughter understood better the consequences of being completely truthful over her experience. My point was that it is horrible that kids have to go through that and they are so young that they do not understand when people react with such horror. To me, a better response is to actually be able to speak to our children about these issues more appropriately. It was very hard for me as an adult to deal with families that had been close to us no longer wanting our kids to be friends because they might have to explain what happened, I cannot even imagine how this made my daughter feel. The guilt and shame on top of the guilt and shame. We want kids to feel safe to tell and then their lives become misery because they did tell. This is what angers me about how our world works. Instead of realizing these young victims are too young to comprehend the boundary, they are ousted until they get it. The therapist and I were both amazed and upset that my daughter had told this group of girls because we had talked to her several times that it wasn\'t something to be ashamed of, but that it was her private business and that not everyone would understand enough to react with understanding (especially other young kids). However, she really didn\'t get this until she was thrown out of this social situation. It\'s just unfortunate and it just made me angry the way in which it was handled afterward and how my daughter felt like a leper being tossed out in the middle of the night. Not her fault she was abused, not her fault she was too young to understand the appropriate boundaries and consequences of trying to deal with the aftermath.
We are years out now and my daughter only tells those really close to her and participates on a teen support group here and has found her voice in that way. I do the same when I have a chance, just to educate others about the harm in being neutral, staying silent or avoidance and how this perpetuates the cycle of abuse.